Bear in Nature Documentary Feels He’s Been Misrepresented

A carnivorous black bearA black bear currently residing in Montana is suing The Nature Channel for defamation of character.

“They shot over 200 hours of me for their damn documentary and what do they show?  Just a couple shots of me in a stream tearing fish to shreds and eating them.  Those shots were taken way out of context.  I have excellent relationships with many fish.”

“When I agreed let them film me it was because I thought they were going to show a balanced, nuanced depiction of a typical black bear in the wilderness.  Instead they cherry picked the footage to cater to the worst stereotypes humans have of us bears of color.”

“I happen to be very literate and a lover of peace.  Did they show me wearing my glasses when I was sitting in my favorite arm chair, sipping a glass of wine by the fire and reading a book of Robert Frost poems?  No.  Did they show me protesting at an antiwar rally?  I was quite proud of the sign I was holding, ‘Bearing all for Peace’.   No.  Did they show at a minor league baseball game (I’m a mascot) entertaining the children?  No.”

He took off his glasses and placed them on the table.

“I mean, this really burns me up.  Let me show you what I’m talking about.”

The bear turned on his TV and put in the DVD of the nature documentary he starred in.

“Look at this?  See?  It looks like I’m in a stream eating fish.  Those are FAKE fish.  The producer pulled me aside before the shot and said ‘Look we need some shots of you tearing fish apart with your teeth……for ratings you know.’  What was i to say?  I’m not a professional.  Now all my fish friends have seen this and they aren’t talking to me.”

Beginning to pace around his room, he warmed up to his subject.

“Look at this scene.  It shows me entering a campsite and trying to open a car, scaring the children inside.  Those were the producer’s kids in the car. He made me do it – said it was in the contract.  He called it ‘his nature documentary money shot’ whatever that means.  I LOVE kids and would never scare any of them.  I have good relations with humans.  I have human neighbors.  They don’t bother me and I don’t bother them.  Now they are trying to have me run out of the neighborhood.”

He then returned to his seat and put his head in his paws.

“I don’t know what to do.  Now fellow bears are snubbing me.  They say I’ve betrayed them.”

A spokesman for the Nature Channel released a statement saying “The bear in question signed a contract and was aware of the theme of the show.  He has no case and if he persists in this frivolous lawsuit we will have no choice but to show the outtakes of him shitting in the woods.”


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