The recent U.N. General Assembly meeting attracted many world leaders to the tiny island of Manhattan including Muammar al-Gaddafi,  Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and President Barack Obama.  Topics of concern to the U.N. included a debate on who was the better Darrin on “Bewitched”, why the Mets suck, how come hand dryers never get your hands dry and Global Warming.

The session opened with preliminary infighting as several Eastern African nations walked out when they insisted that Dick Sargent was the better Darrin.  After a demonstration of “green” hand dryers (powered by ethanol) the debate got to the crisis of Global Warming.  All nations agreed that Global Warming was a bad thing.

“We must stop this global warming.  I say eliminate all cars” said Jorge Valerio Briceno, Venezuelan Ambassador to the U.N.  He then left the Assembly and was driven away in his SUV, but not before he was surrounded by confused New York Yankee fans who heard that a Spanish man named Jorge was in the neighborhood.

The U.N. then passed a nonbinding resolution asking for all cars in the world to be eliminated by 2013.  They then blamed the existence of cars on “Zionists and Taylor Swift.”

Unfortunately for Manhattan, the hundreds of idling SUVs registered to U.N. diplomats outside the General Assembly led to a massive increase in greenhouse gases. A foul-smelling blackish fog blanketed the east side.  Said one resident, “I haven’t smelled anything so bad since the last time I drove through New Jersey.”

Corrosive acid rain fell down upon the city burning holes through metal and causing a power outage.  The temperature rose to an incredible 155 degrees Fahrenheit, the hottest recorded temperature in Manhattan since the last Beyonce concert.  People ran screaming for shelter.  Many were melted on the spot by the killer acid rain and high temperatures.  Local newscaster Ernie Anastos declared “It’s too damn hot to even f$#& a chicken!”

The combination of high temperatures and corrosive acid rain made the east side of Manhattan from 14th to 86th street dissolve into the East River.  Frightened east side residents having to choose between moving to the west side and certain death chose certain death.

The death toll from today’s U.N. meeting could climb into the hundreds of thousands.  Mayor-for-life Michael Bloomberg, hoping to make the best of a bad situation happily announced that “Central Park, the greatest park in the greatest city now has beachfront views.”

Strangely the U.N. building was not affected by today’s catastrophe.  U.N. Secretary General Ban Ki-moon said the U.N.’s survival was attributable to its “superior moral authority.”

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Editors note:  My friends often ask me (well, okay I have no friends)……so I get emails (okay, I get no emails…well, I do get emails but they are usually of the ‘last notice before foreclosure’ or ‘stay away from my daughter’ variety)….anyway, sometimes when I do not take my medication the voices in my head talk to me.  And they ask me, “Manhattan Infidel you often satirize Democrats.  Why not Republicans?”  Well, that is a valid point.  Wishing to be an equal opportunity satirist I  now present the Republican party’s new slogan.

Announcing the new slogan Committee Chairman Michael Steele said “We didn’t feel we needed a slogan since our principles are well known but then the Democrats announced a new slogan.  We felt left out.  Alone.  We were at the dance but no one wanted to dance with us.  We were wallflowers.  But recently we found that ‘compassionate conservatism’ made us more  popular.  People started to like us.  And it hit me.  That would be a perfect slogan.  And so I am proud to announce that the slogan ‘You like me.  You really like me’ will be the face of the Republican party in the future.”

The competition was intense and many slogans were rejected.  As a public service I, Manhattan Infidel, am proud to present the runner up slogans:

10.  Republicans:  Angry white men with short haircuts.  Give us guitars and we’d be a punk band.

9.  We like debt too!

8.  If I vote for your entitlement program will you ask me out?

7.  What you talking about Willis?

6.  The Democrats are being mean to me.

5.  We do sex scandal too!

4.  A&E canceling ‘The Beast’ was not our fault!

3.  Small government works best except when we are in power.

2.  We like black people.  It’s Macedonians we hate.

1.  We disagree with Marvin the Martian’s plans to blow up the Earth and find it environmentally unfriendly.

In keeping with the new fad of announcing party slogans it is rumored that the Libertarian Party will announce a new slogan, “Vote for us.  Someone has to”  sometime in October.

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Today I was lucky enough to sit down with former President Jimmy Carter and discuss a number of topics, including racism in America.

I began by asking President Carter if he believed that Joe Wilson’s outburst was racially motivated.

“Definitely” he replied.  “I think it’s based on racism.  There is an inherent feeling among many in this country that an African-American should not be President.”

I then asked him if because President Obama had a white mother, white people who oppose him on racial grounds hate themselves.

“What kind of nonsense is that?  Don’t try to confuse me with your big city ways.  Are you a Jew?  You’re a racist Jew who believes in the apartheid of the Palestinian peoples.  Aren’t you?”

I assured him I wasn’t and, slightly taken aback by his comments, shifted the conversation back to racism in America.  I asked him if he had any other examples of racism he would like to discuss.  He indicated that he did and pointed to the television.

“Look at that (Tom and Jerry) cartoon.  It’s racist.  Racist!  That mouse Jerry is trying to hurt Tom because he can’t accept the fact that a strong, independent cat of color wants to live in his neighborhood. Blue is beautiful baby!  That mouse is a Jew.  I know it!   And why are black holes in space called black holes?  Racism by white scientists.  America wants me to shut up.  They don’t want to hear what I have to say because I’m a black man.”

I was dumbfounded by his assertion and sat there silently unable to think of a follow up question.  The awkward silence was broken by President Carter’s nurse.

“Let’s go Mr. President.  Time to take your pills.”   She turned to me and apologized.  “He has his good days and his bad days.  If I don’t give him his pills he tends to forget things.”

His nurse once again gently tried to get President Carter to take his pills.  “Come on Mr. President.”

President Carter took his glass of water and gulped his pills.  “Mr. President?  I’m President?  It’s about time.  Have you ever seen a President naked young lady?”

“Every morning when I catheterize you” she replied.

I watched as they turned the corner as she wheeled him back to his room.  My last vision of President Carter was of him shouting “That mouse Jerry was a cracker.  A cracker Jew!”

I closed my notebook and made a mental note:  “And I thought Kanye West was crazy.”

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When  Joe Wilson (R-SC) shouted out “you lie” during President Obama’s address to a joint session of Congress many were shocked at the breach of protocol.  What many do not know is that heckling of the President is a long and time-honored American tradition dating back to George Washington.

In fact heckling predates the Presidency.  Ben Franklin, after telling a citizen in Philadelphia that they have given them a “Republic if you can keep it” was heckled with “You suck…..how’s the V.D.?”   A visibly upset Franklin told an associate “What do you expect.  It’s Philadelphia.  I bet they’d even boo Santa Claus.”

The first recorded Presidential heckle occurred during Washington’s first inaugural  address.  When Washington started his address with “Among the vicissitudes incident to life no event could have filled me with greater anxieties than that of which the notification was transmitted by your order, and received on the 14th day of the present month…”  he was greeted with the shout of “I slept with Martha” from an anonymous citizen.

When Thomas Jefferson was delivering his inaugural address and stated that “We are all Republicans; We are all Federalists”  a man in the crowd, presumably a Federalist, shouted “Yeah, well at least Federalists don’t sleep with our slaves!”

Abraham Lincoln, giving his famous Gettysburg Address was stopped cold by a soldier watching his speech who shouted out “Honest Abe?  I don’t think so.  How can a politician from Illinois be honest?” Lincoln was reportedly so incensed by this that he challenged the heckler to a fight and beat him unconscious with his stovepipe top hat.

Teddy Roosevelt while campaigning for President in 1912  was repeatedly heckled by a man who made a pun on Roosevelt’s association with the Rough Riders.

“What are you?  A condom?” the heckler taunted him before shooting him.

When Franklin Roosevelt said “We have nothing to fear but fear itself” the first recorded “mass heckle” was born as hundreds in the crowd shouted “You’ve never met my mother-in-law.”

Perhaps the most famous Presidential heckle occurred during the Monica Lewinsky scandal when President Clinton declared that he “did not have sexual relations with that woman.”

“Did she at least inhale?” responded a heckler.

And so it seems that heckling the President appears to be an American institution.  An institution that will continue for a long time.

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Speaking from downtown Manhattan, President Obama declared that September 11th will now be known as “National Apology Day.”

“What happened to the World on September 11, 2001 was unfortunate.  The Muslim world was thrown into war.  A war they did not start.  But now we have it in our power to end it.”

The ceremony started with schoolchildren from California who sang a song praising President Obama.  After the children were finished the former Muslim Chaplain of the FDNY said a prayer where he asked for Allah to bring down fire upon the enemies of Islam in Afghanistan and Iraq.  Then, finally, President Obama took the podium.

“Before the Twin Towers were brought down by controlled explosions orchestrated by my predecessor many officeworkers in these buildings were forced to jump to their deaths.  On their way down they might have asked themselves ‘Why me?.’  Well, their deaths you might say served a greater purpose.  It opened the eyes of America. 

“Too often the United States has been insular, arrogant and unconcerned with the rest of the World.  We have not appreciated how our arrogance and our actions have angered people.  September 11th was a wake up call for America.  The past 8 years have been difficult ones for us as the previous administration used the incidents of that day to wage wars of aggression upon the peace-loving Muslim World.  But all that is ended now.  I hereby announce that the new tower that will rise here will be known as the ‘Crescent Tower.’

“By naming this building the Crescent Tower I hope to remind America of the many contributions of Islam to American society.  Indeed, our Declaration of Independence, our Constitution and our Bill of Rights are based on Islamic models of jurisprudence.  The role of women in American society has greatly benefited by Muslim example.

“In addition to giving this tower a name, I am also declaring that henceforth September 11th will be known as ‘National Apology Day.’  On National Apology Day I urge all Americans to spend a few moments on their knees facing Mecca while with deep humility we ask the Muslim world to forgive us our sins.”

President Obama then invited the assembled schoolchildren to join him on his knees as he lead them in humble prayer.  The Great One’s lips moved in silent prayer, a moving example for America to emulate.

When the prayer was finished President Obama went back to the podium and said “Before I leave I’d just like to say one more thing.  I want everyone here to ask their congressmen to support my efforts to reform health care.  The Muslim world enjoys public mandatory health insurance and we can learn from their example.”

He then blessed the children before departing on the Presidential helicopter.

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