Smokey the Bear Arrested on Arson Charges

Smokey the Bear’s mug shotLong-time employee of the Department of Agriculture Smokey the Bear was arrested today by the FBI and charged with setting a string of forest fires throughout the United States.

“We got him.  We finally got him” declared FBI Director Robert Mueller.

Today’s arrest marks the final downfall for the once popular anti-forest fire spokesman.  Hired by the Department of Agriculture after graduating college Smokey quickly became popular for his vigilance in detecting and preventing forest fires.  He starred in a series of commercials and his “Remember only you can prevent forest fires”  became a well-known slogan to generations of school children.  Smokey would make appearances at schools throughout the United States and give lectures to children on the importance of safety.  “Smokey had two loves.  Preventing forest fires and children” said a fellow employee at the Department of Agriculture.

But Smokey had a dark side.  A lifelong bachelor Smokey was notorious for never wearing a shirt.

A shirtless Smokey the Bear

“We thought this was a little strange, especially when he would ask schoolkids if anyone wanted to ‘touch Smokey’ but we just chalked it up to a character quirk.”

As he became older parents would not let their children around him.   “This hurt Smokey a lot.  He felt he had gone out of his way to adapt to the culture of young people, even going as far as piercing his right ear,  wearing bell bottoms and singing ‘YMCA’ at personal appearances.”

Eventually because of parent’s complaints Smokey was relieved of his duties and given a desk job.   This may have been the the final straw that broke Smokey’s back.  Shortly after his demotion he would disappear for days at a time.  During these absences forest fires would break out at locations in the U.S.

“We didn’t want to think it might be Smokey.  The guy only had a few years to go to get his pension.”

Eventually the suspicions became too much to ignore and the FBI was brought in to investigate and arrested him in the act of starting a forest fire in Southern California.

“He broke down when we arrested him and begged us to shoot him” said the agent in charge of the investigation.  “He wet his pants and kept screaming that his life was a sham.”  After his arrest agents searched his home and found literature on his website ( on the best accelerants to use when starting fires.

Smokey is currently being held on $500,000 bail.  His lawyer claims his client was not responsible for his actions and acted under a “mental cloud.”


2 Responses

  1. innominatus says:

    I blame Obama. Only an evil genius like Obama could turn a group like ACORN (as wholesome as the Cub Scouts) into pimpcashing killers. Only an evil genius like Obama could turn Smokey Bear (as wholesome as Smokey Bear) into that “Burn It!” freak from Backdraft. Case closed.

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