Once again The Manhattan Infidel has expanded the scope of his site to better serve his readers.  I now present your Daily Horoscope:

Aries (March 21st – April 19th)

You will be discovered pleasuring yourself to downloaded pictures of Rue McClanahan.  Mortified, embarrassed and filled with self-loathing and shame you will enter rehab.  In rehab you will be stabbed by a fellow addict.

Taurus (April 20th – May 20th)

While hiking in the wilderness you will be taken captive by a family of banjo-playing mountain people.  They will admire your “purdy” mouth and do shameful things to you.  Strangely, you will enjoy it.

Gemini  (May 21st – June 20th)

Your love for strippers will finally overcome your internal censor as you blow your life savings on lap dances.  When you run out of your money you will raid the petty cash fund at work to pay for your addiction.  When your employer finds out they will promote you since stealing company cash for lap dancers is accepted behavior.

Cancer  (June 21st -July 22nd)

You will finally live up to your friends expectations as you go on a nation-wide killing spree that will shock even hardened homicide investigators.  Your lucky numbers are 3 and 7.

Leo (July 23rd – August 22)

Overcome with the knowledge of your own failings you will pull your car over and begin weeping.  As you are weeping you will be abducted by aliens and probed.  You will be discovered a week later wandering in a cornfield.  Ashamed of your treatment at the hands of the aliens you will make up a story about being holed up in a seedy motel room having “guilt-free nasty sex” with Rue McClanahan.  An Aries will punch you.

Virgo (August 23rd – September 22nd)

The least relevant of signs you will be ignored by everybody.  In a desperate attempt to gain attention you will discover your fondness for high-powered rifles and observation towers.  Former Olympian Bruce Jenner will play you in the TV movie.

Libra (September 23rd – October 22nd)

You will post nude photos of yourself on your Facebook page.  No one will notice. Chagrined by this you will take to drinking heavily and have no explanation for police when they ask you about the skulls in the back of your refrigerator.

Scorpio (October 23rd – November 21)

You will inadvertently trigger the apocalypse resulting in the deaths of 3 billion people and a nuclear winter that will last for decades.  Always the optimist you notice that your season tickets to the Yankees are now a lot cheaper.

Sagittarius (November 22nd – December 21st)

Your significant other will leave you for a younger lover.  You will lose your job.  Your 401K will tank.  You will be diagnosed with inoperable cancer. Yet you will not cry until you find out that pints have gone up to $7 at your local pub.  You will shoot the bartender.  Former Olympian Bruce Jenner will play you in the TV movie.

Capricorn (December 22nd – January 19th)

The most level-headed and noble of astrological signs your life will be turned upside down when you are stalked by Rue McClanahan.  Hiding out in a seedy motel room she will find you and force herself upon you.  Neighbors hearing your cries will call the police who will rescue you.  An Aries will punch you.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18th)

You will grow gills enabling you to breathe underwater. Human society will shun you.  Enraged at their blatant prejudice you vow to spend the rest of your life under the sea with your friends the peace loving fish.  Soon after diving into the sea a shark will eat you.

Pisces (February 19th – March 20th)

Your date will become increasingly alarmed by your personality quirks such as your room full of Betty Boop collectibles and Clara Bow posters.  You will attempt to mollify her by declaring “Hey, it’s not like I’m pleasuring myself to pictures of Rue McClanahan.”  You will punch an Aries.

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