U.N General Assembly Causes Massive Global Warming in Manhattan

The U.N. General Assembly has unfortunate consequences for ManhattanThe recent U.N. General Assembly meeting attracted many world leaders to the tiny island of Manhattan including Muammar al-Gaddafi,  Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and President Barack Obama.  Topics of concern to the U.N. included a debate on who was the better Darrin on “Bewitched”, why the Mets suck, how come hand dryers never get your hands dry and Global Warming.

The session opened with preliminary infighting as several Eastern African nations walked out when they insisted that Dick Sargent was the better Darrin.  After a demonstration of “green” hand dryers (powered by ethanol) the debate got to the crisis of Global Warming.  All nations agreed that Global Warming was a bad thing.

“We must stop this global warming.  I say eliminate all cars” said Jorge Valerio Briceno, Venezuelan Ambassador to the U.N.  He then left the Assembly and was driven away in his SUV, but not before he was surrounded by confused New York Yankee fans who heard that a Spanish man named Jorge was in the neighborhood.

The U.N. then passed a nonbinding resolution asking for all cars in the world to be eliminated by 2013.  They then blamed the existence of cars on “Zionists and Taylor Swift.”

Unfortunately for Manhattan, the hundreds of idling SUVs registered to U.N. diplomats outside the General Assembly led to a massive increase in greenhouse gases. A foul-smelling blackish fog blanketed the east side.  Said one resident, “I haven’t smelled anything so bad since the last time I drove through New Jersey.”

Corrosive acid rain fell down upon the city burning holes through metal and causing a power outage.  The temperature rose to an incredible 155 degrees Fahrenheit, the hottest recorded temperature in Manhattan since the last Beyonce concert.  People ran screaming for shelter.  Many were melted on the spot by the killer acid rain and high temperatures.  Local newscaster Ernie Anastos declared “It’s too damn hot to even f$#& a chicken!”

The combination of high temperatures and corrosive acid rain made the east side of Manhattan from 14th to 86th street dissolve into the East River.  Frightened east side residents having to choose between moving to the west side and certain death chose certain death.

The death toll from today’s U.N. meeting could climb into the hundreds of thousands.  Mayor-for-life Michael Bloomberg, hoping to make the best of a bad situation happily announced that “Central Park, the greatest park in the greatest city now has beachfront views.”

Strangely the U.N. building was not affected by today’s catastrophe.  U.N. Secretary General Ban Ki-moon said the U.N.’s survival was attributable to its “superior moral authority.”


1 Comment

One Response

  1. innominatus says:

    “It’s too damn hot to even f$#& a chicken!”

    True, but I’m sure the hookers score pretty big every time the UN comes to town.

    It is always difficult for the working man to get satisfaction when the UN is in town. The Diplomats have a monopoly on services – The Manhattan Infidel

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