Chickens Protest Ernie Anastos

Chickens are angry with Ernie AnastosThe fallout from local New York City anchor Ernie Anastos’ on air comment to “Keep f*&%^&g that chicken” continues.   What started as a seemingly harmless on air expletive (see below) has morphed into an incident that has left New York City in chaos.

Keep F*^&#*% That Chicken:

Thousands of enraged chickens marched up 6th Avenue to the Headquarters of the local Fox affiliate.  Carrying banners that proclaimed “Keep your human hands off my body”, “No Justice No Peace”“Would America tolerate this kind of behavior towards turkeys?” and “I am chicken hear me roar” they stopped traffic, pecked at anyone they could find and stormed into Fox’ Headquarters overpowering security.

The NYPD blocked off 6th avenue and attempted to round up the enraged chickens.  “It was no use” said one officer. “We tried to handcuff them but where?  The handcuffs kept falling off the chickens’ feet.”

One civilian who was attempting to hail a cab was attacked by the chickens who pecked at him until he collapsed.  They then dragged him into the subway as he screamed “Help!  They’re pecking me to death.  I thought the only one who could henpeck me was my wife!”  His body was discovered later with multiple peck wounds.

The chickens spread throughout the building attacking targets of opportunity.  911 operators were overwhelmed with calls such as this heartbreaking one from an executive trapped by chickens on the 20th floor:  “Please…please send help.  I have the door barricaded.  The chickens have already pecked my coworkers to death.  I just want to go home to my family….oh God they’ve pecked through the door!’

NYPD SWAT teams were able to restore order by distracting the chickens with chicken feed brought in from the suburbs.  “Once we had the chickens fed they became docile and content. We rounded them up and gave them to Animal Welfare.”

While all this was going on a small contingent of chickens were protesting the protestors.  Calling themselves the “North American Man Chicken Love Association” they spoke to reporters.  Said one chicken, “I’ve been with many humans, and not just actors.  I’ve found them to be very generous lovers.  But some people just cannot accept the reality of interspecies love.”

There was no comment from Ernie Anastos.  President Obama who was in town to appear on the David Letterman Show promised a full investigation of chicken grievances and then on behalf of all Americans apologized to the chickens.


2 Responses

  1. innominatus says:

    Awesome. Heard about the Mayor of Portland? He’s in a controversy regarding his affair with a teenage boy. He swears he waited ’til the boy was 18 before they did anything, well, um, nasty. The gay community says old guys like that are called chickenhawks. There’s a recall petition going around right now, but Portland is weird enough that they’ll probably leave him in office. “North West Chickenhawk Boy Love Association” pretty much describes it.

  2. Penny says:

    Enjoyed the post. Obviously so far I have only met very conservative chickens who manage to control their emotions admirably – apart from the odd peck.

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