Tiger Woods, high priest of the dark side of golf

When Tiger Woods crashed his car into a tree on his neighbor’s property many fans were shocked.  However, to golf insiders this is only the latest example of their sport’s dark side.

“Golf has a reputation as an All-American sport that has avoided many of the scandals that have plagued other sports” says  an insider at the PGA.  “Yet what most people do not know is that the majority of golfers are in fact Satanists.”

Indeed from its very beginnings golf has been plagued by not only Satanists but drug addiction and sexual misconduct.  There are many theories as to why this is but experts point to the fact that Golf was invented by the Scottish.

“Invented in Scotland.  ‘Nuff said” explains the PGA insider.  “How can it not be a cesspool of immorality?  If only Golf was invented by a purer race like the Albanians, the Estonians or someone from Oregon.”

There are many examples of Golf’s dark history that have heretofore been kept from the public.  Ben Hogan used to sacrifice chickens before tournaments and smear their blood on his genitals.

“He believed that chicken blood made him invincible.”

Arnold Palmer was a cannibal who used to trap and consume those golfers he felt threatened his supremacy.

“Palmer must have killed at least two dozen golfers before he tried to eat Jack Nicklaus but Nicklaus was too salty.  He ended up spitting out that chubby boy.”

Payne Stewart was known to travel with a collection of groupies that would rival Menudo.

“His orgies were notorious.  He used to say that the chicks dug his knickers, socks and  tam o-shanter on his  head.  I once heard him yell ‘fire in the hole’ so I rushed into his hotel room thinking he was in trouble. I found him with eight groupies performing a sex act I thought gravity made impossible.”

It is rumored that Payne’s untimely death was the result of Tiger Wood’s jealousy at his sexual exploits.

After Payne died Woods took over as the PGAs alpha sexual freak.

“That car crash was going to happen.  It’s only a matter of time before his wife found out about the 622 girls between the ages of 18 and 21 he keeps on his payroll. They’re officially secretaries but why does he insist they all wear french maid outfits and call him ‘Big Daddy?’  And I don’t even want to get into his use of HGH.  Tiger was only 4 feet 11 before he started injecting himself with that stuff.”

In any event the coming Golf scandal could seriously tarnish the game’s image.

“This is so bad it’s going to make Golf look as clean as competitive eating or baseball.”

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Oprah Winfrey has announced that in 2011 she will step down from her popular talk show to concentrate on “using my Divine powers to rule the universe and make it bend to my will.”

In a press conference attended by various angels and archangels Oprah said it was time for a change.

“I’ve been thinking about this for awhile now.  My talk show, while enjoyable, pales next to the fact that as The Divine Being, I have more important things to take care of.”

Miss Winfrey then detailed her history of Divinity.

“My fans kept telling me I was Divine.  I demurred because there is only one Divine, and that’s the Divine Miss M, Bette Midler herself.   But one day I was having a fight with that bitch Phil Donahue.  I kept telling him there can only be one talk show in Chicago.  I was thinking really bad things about the man and suddenly he started to choke.  He kept saying ‘stop it……I can’t breathe.’  It was at that  moment I realized that I was omnipotent.  I stretched out my hand and  said ‘Bow to my will white man!’ He was lifted up to the ceiling.  I then turned him into a jack-in-the-box and sent him into the cornfield.  Since that moment I have honed my powers.”

Miss Winfrey was asked about the changes she intends to make in the Universe.

“There are many things I do not like and will do away with.  Other talk shows.  Free will.  Lake Michigan.  February.  Cheese-Its.  The letter “T”.  Worms. That Stedman fellow.  The guy from the cable company who said he’d be at my house at 11:00 but showed up at 12:30. The Andromeda Galaxy.  Reruns of  CSI: Miami.  Photosynthesis.  Exoskeletons.  The 13th Century.  Math.  These will all disappear or suffer my wrath.  What’s the  point in being omnipotent if people don’t fear you?”

The first sign of the new order was the mysterious deaths of all talk show hosts in America.  Jay Leno’s head was found attached to Disneyland’s gates and his limbs strewn across the four corners of the globe. Jimmy Kimmel was mixed with copper and tin, baked to 1000 degrees and turned into bronze.  Conan O’Brien’s pubic hair was made redder.  He later killed himself. Craig Ferguson became an olive plant.  Alone of all talk show hosts Jimmy Fallon was untouched.

“He’s no threat to me.  I have plans for  him” said Oprah.

The Divine Oprah then ended her press conference by giving new cars to all reporters.

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With Thanksgiving yet again upon us millions of  Americans with carbon footprints that are too large will get into fuel-consuming cars and planes to eat slaughtered animals.

“This so-called Holiday is not a holiday for native Americans” said Joseph Wheeler, author of the book “Thanksgiving is Bad and I’m Smarter Than You.”

“It is a perverse holiday that celebrates the destruction of an indigenous small carbon footprint, vegetarian society.  Oh sure sometimes they would burn down entire sections of virgin rainforest but not being Europeans their actions must have had pure motives.”

Wheeler is not alone in his criticism of Thanksgiving.  From his home in Tennessee Al Gore released a statement that said “We are experiencing a crisis in the world.  Sea levels are rising.  Species are on the verge of extinction.  My new TV channel is doing badly in the ratings.  Americans continue to ignore all this to travel hundreds of miles to eat turkeys.”

The Turkey Liberation Front, Citizens for Free Range Turkeys, The Turkey Republican Army, Vegetarians for Turkey Rights and Barney Frank have all come out favoring the abolition of Thanksgiving and the replacement of it with a more suitable, modern holiday.

Among the suggestions to replace Thanksgiving are moving Kwanzaa up a month and celebrating it in November.

“It’s tough enough getting Americans to notice Kwanzaa because it falls around the time Americans celebrate those Jewish holidays of Christmas and Hanukkah.  It would make more sense to ban Thanksgiving and move Kwanzaa to a time where it won’t have to compete with those Eurocentric holidays” said Wheeler.

Another suggestion is outlawing Thanksgiving, Hanukkah and Christmas and replacing them with one holiday that celebrates native American culture while adding a penance ceremony. The new proposed holiday called “Repent Eat Vegetarian Low Carbon Footprint Native American Celebration Day” would start out with a recitation of historical grievances against European culture.  At the end of the recitation those in attendance would take off their shoes and burn them to symbolize a commitment to reducing carbon emissions.  A vegetarian meal would then be served on paper plates.   Americans would also be banned from traveling more than a quarter mile to celebrate the proposed holiday thereby reducing greenhouse emissions.  There is significant support for the new holiday in Congress and a bill is expected to be introduced in January formalizing the new tradition.

In a related note at the White House today President Obama, in a ceremony that dates back to President Truman, pardoned the White House turkey and wished it a “free, happy, long life without interference by Humankind.” 

The pardoned turkey was then run over by a car as it tried to cross Pennsylvania Avenue.

“You see, this is why we have to ban the internal combustion engine” a distraught Obama told reporters.

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In a stunning admission of past faults, Paul McCartney has apologized to fans, friends and music lovers everywhere for the mullet he wore after the Beatles breakup.

“What is there to say.  The Beatles had just broken up.  I was hurting and decided to cut off the symbol of that band – the hair.  But I had just started Wings and wanted to save on costs so I had them cut only the bangs.  For this I am truly, truly sorry.  I just took a look at some photos of myself from that time period and I feel deep shame for my actions.  While this is no excuse I hope fans will understand.  Also, I was smoking a ton of pot back then” said Sir Paul.

The Center for Mullet Studies lauds Sir Paul’s brave decision to acknowledge his mullet past.

“We have found a direct correlation between mullets and evil” said a spokesman for the Center.  “The more mullets being worn the more evil in the world.  Who knows.  The Vietnam war may have ended sooner if not for McCartney’s mullet.  Watergate may never have happened except for McCartney’s mullet.  The killing fields of Cambodia may never have happened except for McCartney’s  mullet.  Abe Vigoda leaving Barney Miller may never have happened except for McCartney’s mullet.  Cause and effect.  Jung called it synchronicity.”

The natural destructiveness of the mullet, combined with marijuana intake can lead to disastrous consequences.  Mathematicians have recently postulated a theorem called “Mullet (marijuana) cosine fallacy” which states that the presence of one is not in itself automatically harmful but when combined the effects can be Earth-shattering.

“An iceberg has been unfairly blamed  but it’s safe to say that someone on the Titanic was a mullet-wearing pot smoker.”

People are advised that if they see anyone sporting a mullet to report them to local authorities.

“Just look at all the evil in the world that could be eliminated if we get rid of mullets.  Rape, murder, famine, pestilence.  The View, Ward Churchill, Oregon.  Global warming, cancer, the Philadelphia Phillies bullpen.  The list is endless.  And mullets are responsible.”

Sir Paul McCartney has announced plans for a mullet apology tour to promote his single, “Mullett Through Me” which is due to be released in February.

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