Presidential Gate Crashers Prompt Security Review

white houseWith President Obama’s State Dinner crashed by Tareq and Michaele Salahi attention has been drawn to security procedures at the White House.

While the Secret Service insists that at no time was President Obama in any danger they are in the process of overhauling basic security procedures to make sure that an incident like this does not happen again.

The first thing that  the Secret Service plans to do is take down the sign at the White House that says “This Way in for Gate Crashers.  Seriously.  Just Wear a Tux No One Will Question You.”

“We now realize that maybe that sign wasn’t a good  idea.  None of us are professional security you know.  Many of us are just waiting to get our own reality TV shows” said a Secret Service agent.  “I used to work at Denny’s until I answered an ad in Craigslist for security at the White House.  My Supervisor used to be in the Rolling Stones in the early ’70s.  I don’t remember which one he was though.  Not Brian Jones.  He’s dead I think.”

Another change will be metal detectors at the White House.

“We actually don’t have any.  Our budget is small and we haven’t received any stimulus  money.  So in place of metal detectors we put up some bronze detectors.  All we got were some Mycenaeans in togas who told us their Gods were vengeful.  We told them they haven’t seen vengeful until they’ve worked for Michelle Obama.”

Also to be eliminated is the Top Secret underground tunnel that leads from the White House to the nearest Burger King.

“That was put in place during the Clinton Administration.  We have no need for it anymore.  It’s expensive to maintain and we keep finding Palestinians in the tunnel.  When we ask them why they tell us ‘because it’s a tunnel and we though this was Jerusalem.’ ”

A new system of color-coordinated badges will also be implemented.  Those with blue badges will be deemed to be friends of the President and given access to the entire White House.  Those with red badges will be deemed enemies of the President and not allowed in the White House.

“The red badges will be given to Fox News reporters and Screech from ‘Saved by the Bell.’  The President just finds him annoying.”

But perhaps the biggest change will be the status of the Vice President.

“Apparently the Constitution makes him first in line of succession so he keeps showing up at the White House expecting to do something important.  He’s annoying.  He keeps tripping over the furniture and calling the President ‘Mr. Roosevelt.’  From now on he will be confined to the basement.  We will give him some cookies and let him pet the President’s dog.  That should satisfy him.”

The changes will take effect in time for the next state dinner for Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon.


3 Responses

  1. innominatus says:

    At a glance that crasher chick kinda resembles Ann Coulter. Tells ya just how bad the security is if they’d let Ann in there!

  2. Matt says:

    Uh, I too find screech annoying. Now that I have something in common with Obama, I’m going to stick my head in the oven!

    Don’t do it! Don’t do it! Just keep telling yourself Screech is annoying whomever agrees with me. It’s the only thing getting me through this – MI

  3. I think the security policy should be rewritten to keep the Obama administration out of the White House. That would be the best use of taxpayer money in years.

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