Tiger Woods, high priest of the dark side of golf

When Tiger Woods crashed his car into a tree on his neighbor’s property many fans were shocked.  However, to golf insiders this is only the latest example of their sport’s dark side.

“Golf has a reputation as an All-American sport that has avoided many of the scandals that have plagued other sports” says  an insider at the PGA.  “Yet what most people do not know is that the majority of golfers are in fact Satanists.”

Indeed from its very beginnings golf has been plagued by not only Satanists but drug addiction and sexual misconduct.  There are many theories as to why this is but experts point to the fact that Golf was invented by the Scottish.

“Invented in Scotland.  ‘Nuff said” explains the PGA insider.  “How can it not be a cesspool of immorality?  If only Golf was invented by a purer race like the Albanians, the Estonians or someone from Oregon.”

There are many examples of Golf’s dark history that have heretofore been kept from the public.  Ben Hogan used to sacrifice chickens before tournaments and smear their blood on his genitals.

“He believed that chicken blood made him invincible.”

Arnold Palmer was a cannibal who used to trap and consume those golfers he felt threatened his supremacy.

“Palmer must have killed at least two dozen golfers before he tried to eat Jack Nicklaus but Nicklaus was too salty.  He ended up spitting out that chubby boy.”

Payne Stewart was known to travel with a collection of groupies that would rival Menudo.

“His orgies were notorious.  He used to say that the chicks dug his knickers, socks and  tam o-shanter on his  head.  I once heard him yell ‘fire in the hole’ so I rushed into his hotel room thinking he was in trouble. I found him with eight groupies performing a sex act I thought gravity made impossible.”

It is rumored that Payne’s untimely death was the result of Tiger Wood’s jealousy at his sexual exploits.

After Payne died Woods took over as the PGAs alpha sexual freak.

“That car crash was going to happen.  It’s only a matter of time before his wife found out about the 622 girls between the ages of 18 and 21 he keeps on his payroll. They’re officially secretaries but why does he insist they all wear french maid outfits and call him ‘Big Daddy?’  And I don’t even want to get into his use of HGH.  Tiger was only 4 feet 11 before he started injecting himself with that stuff.”

In any event the coming Golf scandal could seriously tarnish the game’s image.

“This is so bad it’s going to make Golf look as clean as competitive eating or baseball.”

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