On the heels of the embarrassment over the Salahi’s crashing a presidential dinner comes word that yet a third gate crasher was also at the event.

When asked why the person was let in, a Secret Service agent responded, “What was I supposed to do?  He was wearing a T-shirt that said ‘I am definitely not a gatecrasher.’  I believed the shirt.  You either have faith in humanity or you don’t.  I choose to believe.  Okay, okay, I may have been a little drunk.”

Odd as it sounds, this is not the first time there has been a security breach at the White House during wartime.

During World War II the White House was subjected to numerous security breaches by English Prime Minister Winston Churchill.

“He showed up one day with a suitcase and decided to move in.  The Secret Service was unaware of his presence for two weeks” says a Secret Service historian.

“Then one day we were wheeling Roosevelt down the hall and out pops a naked Churchill smoking a cigar.  The President was carried out of the danger zone and several agents had to tackle the still naked Churchill.  One agent, who was unfortunate enough to grab Churchill’s genitalia, later went insane and chopped his hand off.”

A concerned Roosevelt was led to believe that the naked fat man was character actor Sydney Greenstreet and not Churchill, who was hustled off to a local train station and told never to come back.

During the Civil War the White House was repeatedly breached by none other than Mary Todd Lincoln.

“She was known as ‘The Hellcat’ to security personnel who had strict orders to keep her away from the President.  Once an agent shot her but the bullet bounced off her metallic, reptilian skin.  She then used her retractable claws to slice up the agent.  After that she was pretty much left alone.”

And of course every student of history is familiar with the embarrassing incident during the War of 1812 when Dolly Madison’s lover turned out to be a British spy with orders to burn down the White House and steal President Madison’s platform shoes.

But have no fear say the Secret Service.  Security procedures in place today are much stricter.  No one gets into the White House without a background check.

“Dude, we’re very strict here.  No one gets past us.  Well, one time my girlfriend has this amazing pot so we let her in and smoked it together.  But other than that nothing escapes us……..do you have cookies?”

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The first annual Hijacker’s convention in Troupsburg, New York has ended.  Organizers call it a “qualified success.”

“It was nice seeing the old gang again and reminisce about those heady days in the ’60s.  God, everybody was hijacking then.  We were on top of the world” said an attendee.

Another conventioneer, wearing a t-shirt that said “Peace, Love and Hijacking” talked about the benefits of his former hijacking lifestyle.

“It was like I was a king.  People showed me respect.  When I stood up in a plane and shouted ‘This is a hijack’ they all tried to be my friend.  Respect man!  And then when the plane would land in Cuba Fidel would show us around and treat us like visiting royalty.”

It certainly was a good time for hijackers.  Instant access.  Fame.  Making the nightly news shows.  “Cronkite called me a principled socialist once.  I always like him for that” said one person.

But fame, like hemorrhoids and sitcoms starring Don Rickles, is fleeting.  Today hijackers are a thing of the past.

“We are considered old hat.  No one pays attention to us.  When I showed up at the hotel and said I was here to check in for the hijacker’s convention the girl behind the register started laughing and called me ‘Grandpa.’   Respect!  Young kids don’t have any respect for us.”

Long gone are the days when movies were made about hijackers.

“Do you remember that movie ‘Skyjacked’ with Chuck Heston.  The crazed Vietnam vet hijacker was based on me.  Though I never went to vietnam and am not crazy” said a veteran hijacker.

The final downfall of hijacking has many causes but is traced ultimately to the advent of the suicide bomber.

“Once people realized we weren’t going to blow the plane up they started ignoring us.  I was on a flight to get here and did my standard hijack routine.  The old lady  next to me started to feel up my midsection.  ‘You have a bomb in there son’ she kept saying and everybody started laughing.  It was  humiliating.  The stewardess gave me free drinks and told me to behave myself.”

Another hijacker recalls his disappointment at not being arrested by Homeland Security.

“After my hijacking attempt I was expecting to be arrested and get on the news.  I was hoping to impress my grandson.  No such luck.  Homeland Security just patted me on the back and said they had bigger fish to fry and that right now they were busy interrogating Joan Rivers.”

Still, many of the attendees were happy to see old comrades.

“There aren’t many of us left.  Nowadays it’s all show biz and flash but back then we had respect for what we did.”

The highlight of the convention according to attendees was a videotaped message from Fidel Castro.

“That was nice.  I didn’t actually see it.  The speech was nine hours long so most of us just went to the hotel bar.  But the gesture was appreciated.”

One change on the agenda is moving next year’s convention to a more central location.

“Many of our members were complaining because there are no major airports near Troupsburg and, well, it’s no fun hijacking a Greyhound bus.“

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“Sure I love screaming death to the infidel and stoning adulteresses” says Tariq, 22.  “But at the end of the day I really want someone I can share my feelings with.”

Tariq is not alone in his desire.  With this in mind, eHarmony-Jihad, an offshoot of the popular dating service has begun.

“eHarmony-Jihad is unique in that it not a dating-jihad site.  It is a relationship-jihad site.  We match terrorists and virgins through a carefully screened compatibility process” says the founder.

Terrorists signing up will be asked a series of questions such as “If you had three people to blow up, who would they be?”, “Where do you see yourself being blown up in 10 years” and “How much personal space do you need in a relationship before you blow yourself up?”

After being in operation for only a month the success stories are flooding in.

Abdul, 20, writes, “After intensive training in Yemen I came home for the weekend, ready to kill the infidel and talk about my feelings.  eHarmony-Jihad matched me with the perfect virgin. ”

Khaleel, 22, says “I’ve tried the other jihad dating sites but none were like this.  I signed up and listed my hobbies as long walks on the beach, talking about my feelings and strapping explosives to my body.”   Khaleel was partnered with the virgin Kaifa, who listed her hobbies as “Long walks on the beach and men with explosives in their pants.  Wink.  Wink.”

Dawoud, 19, tells an all-too common story of his aching loneliness.

“I was hiding out in the tribal regions on the Afghanistan-Pakistani border.  As much as I love my goat and her tender caresses, I couldn’t talk about my feelings with her.  eHarmony-Jihad set me up with Aroob.”  Aroob was looking for a man who “Hates infidels, is kind to goats and likes to talk about his feelings.”

Flush with success, eHarmony-Jihad has plans to expand.  eHarmony-Jihad with Goats and eHarmony-Jihad Man for Man will be online soon and already their subscription list is extensive.

The final word is Rashid’s who writes, “Spending as much time as I do in caves with other men you begin to appreciate the manly virtue of having explosives in your pants.  Nothing can compare to the love between two men committed to blowing up infidels.  Now, if only I had a goat.” 

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