1980s Named “Most Masturbatory Decade Ever”

The Vapors - mullet-headed self-pleasurersAfter an exhaustive study of the last 200 years of pop culture the 1980s have officially been named the most masturbatory decade in the history of civilization.

“There were many reasons to masturbate in the 1980s” according to Nigel St. Crumpett, editor of Hairy Palms magazine.  “We had the usual reasons such as Cindy Crawford to reasons that filled us with despair and a ‘what else is there to do’ feeling – like Michael Dukakis riding a tank.”

Indeed the sheer volume of songs in the 1980s written about this subject is prodigious.  From Cyndi Lauper’s “She Bop” to The Vapors “Turning Japanese” and Modern English’s “I’ll Stop the World and Melt With You” masturbation was continually in top 40 airplay.

“Let’s not forget ‘Stuffin’ Martha’s Muffin’ by Mojo Nixon either” said Nigel.

It is believed that masturbation ranked as the  third most popular activity in the ’80s, behind only watching Hill Street Blues and wearing Members Only jackets.

However popular it was during the decade, references to masturbation are nothing new.  It is believed that the entire Federalist Papers were a thinly disguised joke about the subject between Andrew Hamilton and his friend James Madison.  The phrase “The consciousness of good intentions disdains ambiguity” from that paper was quite controversial.

Today the Federalist Papers are considered a classic of American political thought but when they were written most contemporaries were scandalized by them. Thomas Jefferson called Hamilton a “wanker and abolitionist.”  George Washington wrote a friend that when he read them “I choked on my ivory teeth.  By the way I am working on my inaugural address.  I just received some ebony false teeth from a friend and am thinking of using the symbolism….something like ‘Ebony and Ivory live side by side in perfect harmony in my mouth oh why can’t we?’ ”

With the resurgence in interest in the ’80s many parents are worried that their children will pick up bad 1980s habits.

“I was having dinner with my daughter and she said ‘Dad I think I need a chaperone because I can’t stop messing with the danger  zone.’   I freaked!” said one distraught father.

Worried parents are advised to keep their children away from 1980s music compilation albums and the Federalist Papers.  If that doesn’t work they are to distract them with an iPhone.


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