Presenting eHarmony-Jihad, the Dating Service for Lonely Terrorists

This lonely jihadist wants to share his feelings with a lucky girl“Sure I love screaming death to the infidel and stoning adulteresses” says Tariq, 22.  “But at the end of the day I really want someone I can share my feelings with.”

Tariq is not alone in his desire.  With this in mind, eHarmony-Jihad, an offshoot of the popular dating service has begun.

“eHarmony-Jihad is unique in that it not a dating-jihad site.  It is a relationship-jihad site.  We match terrorists and virgins through a carefully screened compatibility process” says the founder.

Terrorists signing up will be asked a series of questions such as “If you had three people to blow up, who would they be?”, “Where do you see yourself being blown up in 10 years” and “How much personal space do you need in a relationship before you blow yourself up?”

After being in operation for only a month the success stories are flooding in.

Abdul, 20, writes, “After intensive training in Yemen I came home for the weekend, ready to kill the infidel and talk about my feelings.  eHarmony-Jihad matched me with the perfect virgin. ”

Khaleel, 22, says “I’ve tried the other jihad dating sites but none were like this.  I signed up and listed my hobbies as long walks on the beach, talking about my feelings and strapping explosives to my body.”   Khaleel was partnered with the virgin Kaifa, who listed her hobbies as “Long walks on the beach and men with explosives in their pants.  Wink.  Wink.”

Dawoud, 19, tells an all-too common story of his aching loneliness.

“I was hiding out in the tribal regions on the Afghanistan-Pakistani border.  As much as I love my goat and her tender caresses, I couldn’t talk about my feelings with her.  eHarmony-Jihad set me up with Aroob.”  Aroob was looking for a man who “Hates infidels, is kind to goats and likes to talk about his feelings.”

Flush with success, eHarmony-Jihad has plans to expand.  eHarmony-Jihad with Goats and eHarmony-Jihad Man for Man will be online soon and already their subscription list is extensive.

The final word is Rashid’s who writes, “Spending as much time as I do in caves with other men you begin to appreciate the manly virtue of having explosives in your pants.  Nothing can compare to the love between two men committed to blowing up infidels.  Now, if only I had a goat.” 


3 Responses

  1. Matt says:

    I think the goat version will earn billions!

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Let’s just hope they don’t have to ask St. Al for carbon credits.

  3. Match says:

    Thank you for all the great information
    Good Idea this add feature,

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