As the Secret Service gently placed water wings on the commander-in-chief and lowered him into the shallow end of the White House swimming pool, President Obama talked about his 2011 budget.  The budget calls for 3.83 trillion in spending, creating a budget deficit of 1.56 trillion and giving the U.S. trillion dollar budget deficits for the next three years.

“Red is such an interesting color, don’t you think?  I like the color red” said the President as he practiced the doggy paddle.  “Until America is back at work and this depression is over, I will continue spending money.  It’s important to understand that we cannot reduce this deficit overnight, which is why I’m calling for a massive across the board increase in spending.”

As Vice President Biden jumped into the pool, splashing the President and Speaker of the House Pelosi sat by the edge of the pool picking petals off flowers and saying “He spends…..he spends more…..he spends…..he spends more” President Obama went into further detail about the budget.

“Jobs are my number one priority.  Only through job creation can we get out of this crippling recession started by my predecessor.  And how are we going to create jobs?  Simple.  My goal by the time I leave office in 2017, after a landslide election to a second term, is to have everybody in the United States on the Federal payroll.  How are we to accomplish this?  Simple. I am going to tax those bad people making more than $250,000 a year.  BIDEN WILL YOU CUT THAT OUT!”

President Obama then paddled over to the side of the pool and told Secret Service agents that “Vice President Biden is touching me.  Make him stop!”

The assembled agents told the Vice President to cut it out.  They then told the President to stay away from the deep end of the pool and to stay on the shallow end where they could keep an eye on him.  Vice President Biden then swam over to Speaker Pelosi and splashed her, making her cry.

“Boys are mean!’ she said.

President Obama, ignoring all advice, then swam out to the deep end of the pool.  He seemed invigorated at first, shouting, “Look at me!  Look at me!” 

However, when he realized that his feet couldn’t touch the bottom he began to panic.

“I’m in over my head.   I’m going to drown!”

The Secret Service sprang into action, grabbing the leaf skimmer and telling the President to hold onto it.  This has no effect as the President began to hyperventilate. The White House went into lockdown mode as agents spoke into their walkie talkies. 

“No. 1 is panicking.  No. 1 is panicking.  Request assistance.”  

The President was saved by a quick-thinking agent who, at great personal risk, dove into the pool and and grabbed the President, carrying him out of the pool and wrapping him in a towel.

The White House has empaneled a commission to determine exactly why the President was in danger and how to prevent it from happening again.  The investigation is expected to last six months and cost approximately $500 billion.

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Barack Obama, a local Chicago comedian hoping to break through nationally, performed in front of a packed house tonight in Washington DC.

Mr. Obama appeared nervous and was clearly flustered when one of his first jokes about tax cuts did not get a response from the audience.  But Obama bravely moved on, kidding that “I thought I’d get applause for that.”

Known in Chicago for his sarcasm and irony, his brand of humor was on full display.  After a few clunkers Obama had his first big laugh of the night with a joke about excluding lobbyists.

“We didn’t see that joke coming” said one critic in attendance.  “But it was fantastic.  I mean, excluding lobbyists?  We were all in stitches.”

Obama picked up steam after that.  His next joke, about transparency and posting everything online almost brought the house down.

“This is the most ironic comic I’ve seen in awhile.  Posting everything online?  Transparency? He had the audience eating out of the palm of his hand” said another critic.  “It was pure genius.”

He also displayed a minor mean streak with his joke about “with all due respect to separation of powers”, a dig at the Supreme Court.  The members of the Court, who were in attendance, clearly were not amused but the rest of the audience loved it, with many standing up and making “whoop whoop” noises.

“The joke was edgy.  It was hip and it poked fun at old people.  How can you go wrong with that” said an audience member.

If there was one criticism of his performance it was that it went on for too long.  Many in the audience started to leave after the 50 minute mark.  Obama made the classic mistake of a newcomer – he overstayed his welcome.  Clearly he could not keep up the momentum and his final joke about having combat troops out by August was met with stony silence by the audience.

By the time he closed with his now trademark “change we can believe in” joke he had a grimace on his face, as if he were saying to himself, “Gee, that line goes over big back home.”

Factoring in the length of his show and a few jokes that tanked, what seemed to hurt his performance the most was the bizarre appearance of an elderly gray-haired man who sat behind Obama during his entire show.  This man, seen here

has not been identified.

“It was crazy.  He just looked goofy” said a patron.

Mr. Obama will be continuing his tour and will be perform tomorrow night at the Bananas comedy club in Hasbrouck Heights, New Jersey.  Tickets are still available.

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The 2010 census form features a word not commonly used since the 1960s:  Negro.

“The word was placed in the census for inclusivosity….er, inclusivisitosity….um.  The Obama Administration is all about ALL the people and that’s why we included negro” said a census spokesperson.

According to sources the primary reason for changing the census form was nostalgia.

“We have a President born in the 1960s – that glorious decade of change.  Why not have the wording on the form reflect those fantastic times?”  Accordingly name changes for several races have been approved by Congress and are also included on the 2010 forms.

Caucasian, or white, will now be called “The Anglo Supremacy.”  There will be several subsections under The Anglo Supremacy.

• Those of Irish descent will be known as “The Celtic Enemy Within.”
  
• People claiming French ancestry will be asked to choose “We Surrender.”
• Americans who can claim ancestors from Belgium will circle “Waffles.”
  
• Floridians will be known as “Swamp Devils”
• And, finally, those from Chicago will have two choices:  “Alive” or “Dead.”

Groups who are not white, or from the Anglo Supremacy, include Puerto Ricans, who on the census will be known as “Those people who join gangs on the Upper West Side, carry knives, sing and look like Natalie Wood and George Chakiris.”  Dominicans will be known as “Raped by Columbus” while Cubans will be called “Excellent pitching prospects.”

Still, not all are happy with the new terminology.  Many blacks remain resistant.

“My father and grandfather were called Negroes and they didn’t like it.  This Black African-American prefers to be called a person of color.”

In related news, the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown has announced  that their wing dedicated to the Negro Leagues will now be known as the “Colored Negro Black African-American Peoples of Color League Wing.”

“I hope we haven’t left anyone out” said a spokesperson for the Hall of Fame.

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John Kerry (above) talks to reporters

State Senator Scott Brown defeated the political odds by winning the senate seat formerly held by Ted Kennedy.  Already the repercussions in the political world are huge.  Gone is the Democrat’s filibuster-proof majority and any hopes of passing the health care reform bill.

Hours after the final results were tallied Senator John Kerry talked to reporters.

“I am proud to be a Democrat.  I am proud of our agenda.  But the people have spoken and now it’s time to ignore the people.  If it’s one thing we Democrats, as the party of the people know, it is that sometimes the will of the people must be ruthlessly suppressed.   We did it in Kansas in 1857 and we’re prepared to do it in Massachusetts in 2010.”

Kerry went on to explain what he meant.

“I believe in Democracy.  I believe in majority rule.  But sometimes people vote wrong.  As a Democrat I know what is best for the masses.  The people will thank us later for not allowing their will to rule.  Come December 2010 the people will remember what we did here and thank us.”

Kerry then outlined the steps the Democrats will take to ensure that Scott Brown doesn’t take his seat in the Senate.

1. All votes for the Republican candidate will be thrown out on the grounds that voting Republican is in itself proof of mental incompetency.  “After all” said Kerry, “only a stupid person votes Republican.  Everybody knows that.”
2. Senior citizens will have their votes thrown out.  “If they didn’t provide proof of age their vote is toast.” according to Kerry.
3. Blacks who did not vote for Coakley will be forced to watch hockey.  “That’ll teach them the folly of voting against benevolent white liberals” said Kerry.

When told that some of his proposals might be illegal, Kerry responded by jumping up and down and shouting “Darn darn darn!  Darn darn darn!  I’m putting my foot down.   Grandpa!!!”

From Washington Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi said that health care reform will go ahead.

“We aren’t going to let teabagging racists in Massachusetts dictate our agenda.  The health care vote will take place before Brown can be seated, if he is seated at all.  The Republicans want us to blink. Well, I don’t blink.  Literally.  Not since the surgery anyway.”

From the third circle of Hell, where he was being pounded by cold and filthy rain and tormented by Cerberus, Ted Kennedy expressed surprise that a Kennedy seat had gone to a Republican.

“Well that sucks but not as much as lying here for all eternity having that damn dog bite my genitals off.  Any chance you can take me back with you?”

As for the Senator-elect, Scott Brown has expressed his thanks to the people of Massachusetts and looks forward to serving them in the Senate.

(328)

During a routine photo op at the White House today with the Girl Scouts, the Presidential Teleprompter malfunctioned, causing chaos, panic and severe embarrassment for the administration.

The trouble started when President Obama was meeting with several girl scouts who had won awards for selling the most cookies.  Unbeknown to the President, his scheduled speech thanking the assembled Girl Scouts was not loaded in the teleprompter but his speech from last night during an intimate moment with the first lady was.

President Obama thanked the Girl Scouts for being at the White House and said “I know we often do not get a chance to be together.  But I’ve been dreaming of this all day.  Your uniform makes me so damn hot.”

As the audience looked on uncomfortably, President Obama continued.

“I fantasize about your smooth skin and what I would like to do to you.  Now get on your knees.  That’s right.  I’m tired of being the submissive one.  It’s your turn.  Take it all bitch.”

It was at this point that the Secret Service swung into action.

“We knew we had a serious problem on our hands.  Obviously the wrong speech was loaded in the teleprompter.  But you have to give the President credit.  He’s a trooper and was going to continue to say what was on the teleprompter come Hell or high water” said an agent.

As the Girl Scouts cried and looked on in horror the offending teleprompter was wrestled to the ground and shot five times.  The audience was hustled out of the room and a sheet was placed over the teleprompter.  The President was surrounded and his mouth covered.

“With the teleprompter down we didn’t know what he was going to do so we thought it best to keep him silent until the backup teleprompter could be loaded.”

At a press conference later that afternoon Press Secretary Robert Gibbs blamed the loading of the wrong speech on Republicans.

“Look, there are many people, mostly Republicans, who hate black people and still will not accept a black man as their President.  This was not the teleprompter’s fault.  I would urge all Americans to remain calm in the face of this crisis.  The President has ordered the FBI to conduct an investigation to discover how the wrong speech was loaded and who is responsible.”

He then named the two most likely suspects:  Rush Limbaugh and Pat Sajak.

The White House has canceled all of President Obama’s public appearances until the new teleprompter’s scheduled arrival sometime next week.

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