Mickey Dolenz Named Most Influential Person of All Time

Bow down and worship the true DolenzMickey Dolenz today was named “The most influential, most important and most cool” person of all time.  Dolenz beat out such luminaries as Ed Wood Jr., Pinky Tuscadero, fellow band member Davy Jones, Dick Van Patten, Ron Blomberg and Neville Chamberlain.

“While we feel that all finalists were worthy, particulary Pinky Tuscadero for her platonic relationship with the possibly homosexual Fonzie, Ron Blomberg for being the world’s first DH and that Chamberlain guy, we feel that Mickey Dolenz, with his drumming and signature vocals on Last Train to Clarksville has done more to be a force of good in this world than anyone else.”

Perhaps the most important reason for Dolenz’ winning the award was his role in ending the Vietnam War.  During the Paris peace talks Henry Kissinger  would often begin negotiations by quoting the Monkees.

“He would sit down with the North Vietnamese and he would tell them  that ‘This is the last train to Clarksville boys.  Are you going to meet me at the station?’  We took this to mean that he was questioning the North Vietnamese intentions and asking them if they were serious about peace” said an aide to Kissinger.

Lead negotiator for the Vietnamese, Xuan Thuy, wrote in his journal, “I was hoping to string the Americans along for more concessions but Kissinger is ruthless.  He keeps quoting Mickey Dolenz.  How can I not relent in the face of such tactics?”

On January 27th, 1973 as leaders signed the peace accord Thuy serenaded Kissinger with Last Train to Clarksville and said that he hoped “peace and Mickey Dolenz will now reign supreme among our distracted peoples.”

Mickey Dolenz role in bring peace to the world did not end with the Paris Accords.  During the first Gulf War Iraqi Leader Saddam Hussein was originally going to “fight the infidel to the death” but was convinced to accept a U.N. sponsored cease fire after he was told that he could remain in power and that “the Americans promised us that Mickey Dolenz would come to my birthday party.”

Even today Mickey Dolenz role in bringing about peace cannot be denied.  Suicide bombers in Afghanistan are often heard to shout “Allah Akbar and to hell with Mickey Dolenz” before blowing themselves up.

“This only goes to show how desperate the enemy is and how much they hate us, our values, peace and the Monkees” said a Pentagon Spokesman.

While the choice of Dolenz remains popular, there is dissent.  Mike Nesmith said that Dolenz “was just the damn drummer – he wasn’t important.”

Dolenz could not be reached for comment though Ringo Starr did say that “It’s about time we drummers got recognition.”


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