The Federal Government announced today that it will ban telephone poles from all U.S. owned property.

“We live in a new, brave, progressive America.  Telephone poles resemble crosses and as such, have been banned as a religious symbol” said a Department of Interior spokesperson.  “As our President has said, this is not just a Christian country anymore. We do not want to risk offending anyone with blatant western religious symbols.”

To show the Government’s dedication to progressive values, telephone poles will be replaced by DVDs of I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry.

“How can anyone object to that.”  While the change is being done there may be slight problems with phone coverage but the Government sees no long-term problems.  “We’re the Government after all.  We do things better.”

Also on the short list of banned items is Carrie Underwood.  “We found that many men worshipped her with a near fanatical devotion.  This makes her a religious symbol and she will be banned.  Anybody found on Federal property with pictures of Carrie Underwood will be taken into custody.”

Friday will be banned.  “Friday is the end of the work week. Since most workers look forward to their weekends with religious fervor, we have decided to ban this word.  Fridays will now be know as ‘Also Thursday.’ ”

Toilets will be forbidden in all Federal offices.  “You’ve hear of the saying ‘praying to the porcelain God?’  That makes toilets religious symbols.”  Starting next week Federal employees will be provided with buckets in their cubicles for their own relief.  Employees will be encouraged to take their buckets outside during lunch hour for disposal.

Reproduction will be banned.  “The carbon footprint of sexual activity can be tremendous.  From now on all everyone who works for the Federal Government will be prohibited from engaging in reproductive activities.  Anyone caught having sex, real or imagined, will be subject to fines and/or imprisonment.  This will be strictly enforced.”

The new regulations take effect February 1st.

(528)