Republican Wins Massachusetts Senate Seat; Democrats Vow to Fight Back

John Kerry addresses reporters

John Kerry (above) talks to reporters

State Senator Scott Brown defeated the political odds by winning the senate seat formerly held by Ted Kennedy.  Already the repercussions in the political world are huge.  Gone is the Democrat’s filibuster-proof majority and any hopes of passing the health care reform bill.

Hours after the final results were tallied Senator John Kerry talked to reporters.

“I am proud to be a Democrat.  I am proud of our agenda.  But the people have spoken and now it’s time to ignore the people.  If it’s one thing we Democrats, as the party of the people know, it is that sometimes the will of the people must be ruthlessly suppressed.   We did it in Kansas in 1857 and we’re prepared to do it in Massachusetts in 2010.”

Kerry went on to explain what he meant.

“I believe in Democracy.  I believe in majority rule.  But sometimes people vote wrong.  As a Democrat I know what is best for the masses.  The people will thank us later for not allowing their will to rule.  Come December 2010 the people will remember what we did here and thank us.”

Kerry then outlined the steps the Democrats will take to ensure that Scott Brown doesn’t take his seat in the Senate.

  1. All votes for the Republican candidate will be thrown out on the grounds that voting Republican is in itself proof of mental incompetency.  “After all” said Kerry, “only a stupid person votes Republican.  Everybody knows that.”
  2. Senior citizens will have their votes thrown out.  “If they didn’t provide proof of age their vote is toast.” according to Kerry.
  3. Blacks who did not vote for Coakley will be forced to watch hockey.  “That’ll teach them the folly of voting against benevolent white liberals” said Kerry.

When told that some of his proposals might be illegal, Kerry responded by jumping up and down and shouting “Darn darn darn!  Darn darn darn!  I’m putting my foot down.   Grandpa!!!”

From Washington Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi said that health care reform will go ahead.

“We aren’t going to let teabagging racists in Massachusetts dictate our agenda.  The health care vote will take place before Brown can be seated, if he is seated at all.  The Republicans want us to blink. Well, I don’t blink.  Literally.  Not since the surgery anyway.”

From the third circle of Hell, where he was being pounded by cold and filthy rain and tormented by Cerberus, Ted Kennedy expressed surprise that a Kennedy seat had gone to a Republican.

“Well that sucks but not as much as lying here for all eternity having that damn dog bite my genitals off.  Any chance you can take me back with you?”

As for the Senator-elect, Scott Brown has expressed his thanks to the people of Massachusetts and looks forward to serving them in the Senate.



2 Responses

  1. Matt says:

    Ya know, I thought that Teddy would be forced to listen to Limbaugh for all eternity…in a car at the bottom of the lake of fire. Just wishful thinking, I guess.

  2. Man, it’s the party of “we don’t hear you now.”

    Oh, and, why the long face, John? Just have to get that into every John Kerry post; it’s in my contract.

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