Scientists sequencing DNA from a man in Greenland who died 4000 years ago have found many surprises.  The biggest surprise?  Man four millennium ago was worried about hair loss.

“It’s true” said a scientist.  “We were really blown away by this.”

A full-body reconstruction of the ancient man, dubbed “full body reconstruction of ancient man” by scientists has shown that he had a combover.

“It (the combover) started just below his left ear and was painstakingly brushed over his head to give the illusion of thickness” according to those who have seen the full body reconstruction.  He also apparently carried with him a special tool for which scientists were at first not able to ascertain its use.  The tool was eight inches long, had a series of ridges and one end was loaded with a sticky substance.

“It finally dawned on us after experimenting with the tool with a wax replica of Bruce Willis that this was the ancient man’s combover tool.  The comb was larger than  normal to handle the long combover strains of hair.  And we figure the sticky resin was to hold the combover in place.”

The ancient man was also found lying at an angle that would have put the prevailing winds to his left side.

“We figure he was trying to walk at an angle that would not mess up his combover.  Even with the resin it was susceptible to wind gusts. Hence, he could not walk into wind or have wind behind him.  He could only walk with the wind in the direction of his part.”

This may in part be responsible for his death.  Evidence of abundant game was found a couple hundred yards from him.

“But to get to this food he would have had to walk into the wind.  And if you had to choose between an empty stomach and a healthy, rich, luxuriant head of hair that made you look younger and attracted women, what would you choose?”

This ancient Greenland man was also apparently worried about the size of his penis.

“We also found next to the body what can only be described as a primitive suction pump.  We figure this was placed around the ancient’s member to create a vacuum which would increase his girth.”

This ancient man also was literate as a stone tablet was found next to the pump.   On it was written “Guntak tired of being laughed at by ladies.  Guntak make pump and increase girth.  Guntak use pump.  Guntak no notice increase in girth.  Guntak bleed.”

As for the cause of death, scientists speculate that it was suicide.

“With his lack of hair and girth, what else could he do?”

As for other information gleaned from the ancient man, scientists report that he was in his late 20s, 5 feet 8 inches tall, weighed approximatly 165 pounds, had brown eyes and black hair and was a registered Democrat.

“I know what you’re thinking and we also were surprised that he had brown eyes.”

The full body reconstruction of ancient man will be on display until June 15th.

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A killer whale at SeaWorld in Orlando Florida grabbed its trainer and killed her in front of horrified spectators today.  Witnesses say the whale, named Tilikum, appeared agitated before it lunged at its trainer.  This is the third time Tilikum has killed a human.

“We’re shocked.  We don’t know why this killer whale decided to kill.  We don’t know what was going through its head.  We just hope that people won’t view killer whales through the prism of this unfortunate incident.  The overwhelming vast majority of them are large, gentle creatures beloved by children – kind of like Oliver Hardy” said the Director of SeaWorld.

Immediately after the accident SeaWorld was closed as a killer whale whisperer was summoned.  The whisperer was lowered into the tank and caressed Tilikum while singing Celine Dion’s My Heart Will Go On.

“I wanted to reassure Tilikum that humans still loved him and that we don’t hold him responsible.  I know that he was traumatized by the killing.  I saw a tear in his eye” said the whale whisperer.

After the whale whisperer left Tilikum was handcuffed and transported downtown to police headquarters.

“The hardest part was finding an orange jumpsuit that would fit him” said the detective in charge of the investigation.  “I read him his Miranda rights and asked him if he understood.  He shook his head yes.  Then he ate my Lieutenant.”

A group calling itself the North American Man Killer Whale Love Association has hired a lawyer for Tilikum.  They also picketed outside the police station holding signs that said “Killer whales make better lovers” and “2, 4, 6, 8 I need a killer whale for a date.”

“If loving killer whales is wrong then I don’t want to be right” said a NAMKWLA member.

Despite today’s tragedy SeaWorld has no plans to remove its killer whale exhibit.

“The killer whale show is our most popular attraction and even with an occasional murder we still have less problems than with our last whale” said the manager of the exhibit, referring to their hugely unpopular beatnik whale show.

“The beatnik whale would do nothing but wear a beret, smoke cigarettes, play bongos, write crappy poetry and talk about the evils of capitalism.  If I wanted that I’d watch MSNBC.”

President Obama has stated that the police in Florida have “acted stupidly” in this instance.

Tilikum is expected to be released on bail next week.

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In a cave on the Pakistani border, devout muslims line up to volunteer.  But whereas before they were volunteering to become suicide bombers, now they volunteer to use the shakeweight.

“Before all I wanted to do was blow myself up.  Life was only worth living if I could kill myself and the infidel too.  But then I saw the shakeweight commercial.  This miracle of dynamic inertia may be an infidel trick but what a trick.  For only six minutes a day my upper arms are now lean and sculpted” said Fahmi, who prefers that his last name not be used.

In Londonderry, Northern Ireland, a new phenomenon has emerged.  Catholics and Protestant, who have spent the last 40  years in brutal warfare are now using the shakeweight together.  Poorer Catholics who cannot afford their own shakeweight have protestant neighbors loan them theirs.

Former Red Hand of Ulster member Patrick O’Donnell states, “George Mitchell tried to bring peace to our province.  And I suppose he did a good enough job.  But the shakeweight IS peace!  I’m no historian or scientist but I’m pretty sure that dynamic inertia is responsible for more peace agreements than the U.N.”

In the gritty crime-infested streets of South Central L.A., police are amazed at the noticeable drop in gang-related activity.

“I used to be afraid to walk the streets.  I’d find nothing but gunshot victims.  Crips shooting bloods.  Bloods shooting Crips.  But there hasn’t been a murder in this area in weeks.  Everywhere I go opposing gang members are using the shakeweight and challenging each other to see who can get their upper arms more toned.  I can’t explain it.  But as a cop I approve.  I’m just afraid that if this keeps up I’ll be out of a job” said a Los Angeles police officer.

In the Arctic regions surrounding the North Pole, polar bears are even using the shakeweight.  Said one polar bear through a translator, “I’m sure I’ll probably drown one day.  No glacier lasts forever after all.  But I just don’t care anymore.  I’m obsessed with dynamic inertia.  But wait, there’s more.  For only six minutes a day I use this and if I’m not completely satisfied I get a triple refund.  You just can’t beat that.”

It seems that the miracle of dynamic inertia has changed the face of the world for ever.  Peace reigns over our once troubled world.  The lion has laid down with the lamb.

From Rome Pope Benedict XVI said, “I’m pretty sure this dynamic inertia thing is a tool of the Devil, or at the very least a cult of some sort.   But look at my upper arms!  They are buff.  And I’m 83.”

In Washington D.C., it was announced that the shakeweight will be taken off the “no-fly” list.

“We want the shakeweight all over the United States” said Janet Napolitano.  “Dynamic inertia is fun.”

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It’s been exactly one year since I wrote my first post for Manhattan Infidel.  I remember sitting in front of my computer thinking “What should I write about?”, “I hope my blog is interesting”, “Pants are such an encumbrance to my personal freedom”, “Sex toys?  Why not?” and “Does a blog violate my parole?”  But most of all I worried that I would not have anything to write about.  Well 264 posts later the results are in.  I need not worry about that.

Since it is my one-year anniversary I’d like to open up the reader mailbag.

M.W. (though soon to be M.B) writes “Congratulations on one year of blogging.  Is it true?  Did you kill Connie’s husband?”

Don’t ask me about my business M.W. (though soon to be M.B.)

A.P. writes “Manhattan Infidel, I am honored and grateful that you have invited me to your home on the wedding day of your daughter.  And may their first child be a masculine child.”

Thank you A.P.  Just stop sleeping with the fishes.  It’s freaking us all out.

T.S. of Long Island City writes “Manhattan Infidel, I need a man with powerful friends.  I need a million dollars in cash.  I need, Manhattan Infidel all of those politicians you carry around in your pocket like so many nickels and dimes.”

And what is the interest for the Tattalgia family?

S.J.  writes “I frisked him.  He’s clean.  I frisked a thousand young punks.”

Enjoy your veal, S.J.  I’ll have a surprise for you when I get back from the bathroom.

King Shamus writes “Manhattan Infidel, you fingered Sonny for the Barzini people.”

King Shamus you got it all wrong.  I’m innocent.  I swear on the kids.

Jimmy the Hat writes “Barzini’s people chisel my territory and we do nothing about it.  Pretty soon there won’t be anyplace in Brooklyn that I can hang my hat.”

Try to be patient Jimmy the Hat.  After I make my move to Nevada you can break off from the Manhattan Infidel family and go off on your own.  After we make the move to Nevada.

Innominatus writes “Manhattan Infidel, why am I out?”

You’re not a wartime Consigliari, Innominatus.  Things could get rough with the move I’m making.

D.B. of Philadelphia writes “Now you listen to me Manhattan Infidel, you smooth talking son of a bitch.  Let me lay it on the line for you and your boss, whomever he is!  Johnny Fontaine will never get that movie!  I don’t care how many dago guinea wop greaseball  goombahs come out of the woodwork!’

I’m German-Irish.

Snarky Basterd writes “Leave the gun.  Take the cannoli.”

You’re a wise man, Snarky.

T.W. of Washington D.C. writes “What’s with all the new faces Manhattan Infidel?”

We’ll need em now.  After the hospital thing Sonny got mad.  We hit Bruno Tattaglia at four this morning.

Matt writes “Manhattan Infidel, I want you to take care of that son of a bitch right away.  Paulie sold out the old man, that stronz. I don’t want to see him no more.  I want you to make that first thing on your list, understand?”

Understood.

Ro writes “They shot Sonny in the causeway.  He’s dead.”

I want no inquiries made.   I want no acts of vengeance.  I want you to arrange a meeting with the heads of the five blogs.  This war stops now.

Wow.  That’s a lot of mail.  Here’s to a successful second year.

Manhattan Infidel.

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