In a cave on the Pakistani border, devout muslims line up to volunteer.  But whereas before they were volunteering to become suicide bombers, now they volunteer to use the shakeweight.

“Before all I wanted to do was blow myself up.  Life was only worth living if I could kill myself and the infidel too.  But then I saw the shakeweight commercial.  This miracle of dynamic inertia may be an infidel trick but what a trick.  For only six minutes a day my upper arms are now lean and sculpted” said Fahmi, who prefers that his last name not be used.

In Londonderry, Northern Ireland, a new phenomenon has emerged.  Catholics and Protestant, who have spent the last 40  years in brutal warfare are now using the shakeweight together.  Poorer Catholics who cannot afford their own shakeweight have protestant neighbors loan them theirs.

Former Red Hand of Ulster member Patrick O’Donnell states, “George Mitchell tried to bring peace to our province.  And I suppose he did a good enough job.  But the shakeweight IS peace!  I’m no historian or scientist but I’m pretty sure that dynamic inertia is responsible for more peace agreements than the U.N.”

In the gritty crime-infested streets of South Central L.A., police are amazed at the noticeable drop in gang-related activity.

“I used to be afraid to walk the streets.  I’d find nothing but gunshot victims.  Crips shooting bloods.  Bloods shooting Crips.  But there hasn’t been a murder in this area in weeks.  Everywhere I go opposing gang members are using the shakeweight and challenging each other to see who can get their upper arms more toned.  I can’t explain it.  But as a cop I approve.  I’m just afraid that if this keeps up I’ll be out of a job” said a Los Angeles police officer.

In the Arctic regions surrounding the North Pole, polar bears are even using the shakeweight.  Said one polar bear through a translator, “I’m sure I’ll probably drown one day.  No glacier lasts forever after all.  But I just don’t care anymore.  I’m obsessed with dynamic inertia.  But wait, there’s more.  For only six minutes a day I use this and if I’m not completely satisfied I get a triple refund.  You just can’t beat that.”

It seems that the miracle of dynamic inertia has changed the face of the world for ever.  Peace reigns over our once troubled world.  The lion has laid down with the lamb.

From Rome Pope Benedict XVI said, “I’m pretty sure this dynamic inertia thing is a tool of the Devil, or at the very least a cult of some sort.   But look at my upper arms!  They are buff.  And I’m 83.”

In Washington D.C., it was announced that the shakeweight will be taken off the “no-fly” list.

“We want the shakeweight all over the United States” said Janet Napolitano.  “Dynamic inertia is fun.”

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