Tiger Woods today met the press for the first time since the scandal broke involving his mistresses.  But before he spoke to everyone I was privileged to have a private sit down with the embattled golfer.

MI:  Tiger, I appreciate you talking with me.

TW:  Thank you.  My people have been telling me for weeks now that I needed to talk to the press and I figured what better place to start than with the Manhattan Infidel.

MI:  Well I’m flattered you chose me.  Why did you choose me by the way?

TW:  When I was in sex rehab all my fellow rehabbers kept raving about your site.  It’s very popular in sex addiction circles.

MI:  Umm, okay.  I don’t really know what to make of that.   Let’s talk about your stint in sex rehab.  How did that go?  What was a typical day in sex rehab for Tiger Woods?

TW:  We would awaken at 6 AM every morning and take very cold showers.  Then we’d spend a few hours watching old Army instructional films about venereal disease.  Then at 11 came the worst part.  We were forced to watch The View.  I tell you after an hour of Joy Behar and Whoopie Goldberg my ball sack would retreat into my chest cavity.

MI:  That sounds almost like cruel and unusual punishment.  Your world came crashing down when the sex scandal broke.  Any thoughts on that?

TW:  To tell you the truth it was all part of my long-term strategy.  You see I am not young anymore and I don’t know how many good years of golf I have left.  I want to plant the seeds for my post-golf career.  The sex scandal is part of this.  I was hoping for a while now that the scandal would break.

MI:  I’m not sure I understand.  You were hoping for a sex scandal?

TW:  Yes.  You see.  I want to break into politics.  I want to run for Governor.  And what says Governor more than a sex scandal.

MI:  That makes sense.

TW:  It was all a matter of finding the proper sex scandal for me.  I couldn’t do what Mark Sanford did.  I’m not into South American women.  Especially the ones with penises.  I’m not gay so that ruled out the McGreevey route.  So I decided to do the New York-Spitzer prostitute black socks thing.

MI:  Have you had any feedback from any States?

TW:  Oh sure.  About 15 have contacted me about running for Governor.

MI:  So it worked out after all.  A happy ending?

TW:  Happy ending all around.

MI:  What about your wife?  Tell me about her.

TW:  She has no penis.  Definitely 100% penis-free.

MI:  I meant she originally didn’t seem to be behind you.

TW:  No at first not.  But she realizes now that it was all for my career.  She’s going to be a good political wife.  If I ever have a sex scandal in the future she promises to stand right next to me at the press conference announcing my resignation.

MI:   I want to thank you for talking to me.  Any else you’d like to let your fans know before we close?

TW:  My wife has no penis.

MI:  You already mentioned that.  Anything else?

TW:  Phil Mickelson has a penis.

MI:  Goodbye.

TW:  Black socks.  Black socks and diapers.  Remember that.

MI:  I’m out of here.

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