Tiger Talks!

Tiger Woods, high priest of golf’s dark sideTiger Woods today met the press for the first time since the scandal broke involving his mistresses.  But before he spoke to everyone I was privileged to have a private sit down with the embattled golfer.

MI:  Tiger, I appreciate you talking with me.

TW:  Thank you.  My people have been telling me for weeks now that I needed to talk to the press and I figured what better place to start than with the Manhattan Infidel.

MI:  Well I’m flattered you chose me.  Why did you choose me by the way?

TW:  When I was in sex rehab all my fellow rehabbers kept raving about your site.  It’s very popular in sex addiction circles.

MI:  Umm, okay.  I don’t really know what to make of that.   Let’s talk about your stint in sex rehab.  How did that go?  What was a typical day in sex rehab for Tiger Woods?

TW:  We would awaken at 6 AM every morning and take very cold showers.  Then we’d spend a few hours watching old Army instructional films about venereal disease.  Then at 11 came the worst part.  We were forced to watch The View.  I tell you after an hour of Joy Behar and Whoopie Goldberg my ball sack would retreat into my chest cavity.

MI:  That sounds almost like cruel and unusual punishment.  Your world came crashing down when the sex scandal broke.  Any thoughts on that?

TW:  To tell you the truth it was all part of my long-term strategy.  You see I am not young anymore and I don’t know how many good years of golf I have left.  I want to plant the seeds for my post-golf career.  The sex scandal is part of this.  I was hoping for a while now that the scandal would break.

MI:  I’m not sure I understand.  You were hoping for a sex scandal?

TW:  Yes.  You see.  I want to break into politics.  I want to run for Governor.  And what says Governor more than a sex scandal.

MI:  That makes sense.

TW:  It was all a matter of finding the proper sex scandal for me.  I couldn’t do what Mark Sanford did.  I’m not into South American women.  Especially the ones with penises.  I’m not gay so that ruled out the McGreevey route.  So I decided to do the New York-Spitzer prostitute black socks thing.

MI:  Have you had any feedback from any States?

TW:  Oh sure.  About 15 have contacted me about running for Governor.

MI:  So it worked out after all.  A happy ending?

TW:  Happy ending all around.

MI:  What about your wife?  Tell me about her.

TW:  She has no penis.  Definitely 100% penis-free.

MI:  I meant she originally didn’t seem to be behind you.

TW:  No at first not.  But she realizes now that it was all for my career.  She’s going to be a good political wife.  If I ever have a sex scandal in the future she promises to stand right next to me at the press conference announcing my resignation.

MI:   I want to thank you for talking to me.  Any else you’d like to let your fans know before we close?

TW:  My wife has no penis.

MI:  You already mentioned that.  Anything else?

TW:  Phil Mickelson has a penis.

MI:  Goodbye.

TW:  Black socks.  Black socks and diapers.  Remember that.

MI:  I’m out of here.


2 Responses

  1. 2 to 1 odds he hits on any female reporter attending his “statement” today.

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    He’ll be granting “personal, private” interviews with the female reporters after his statement. No golf clubs allowed though.

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