Ancient Greenland Man Holds Surprises for Scientists

An Ice man with his mullet-inspired comboverScientists sequencing DNA from a man in Greenland who died 4000 years ago have found many surprises.  The biggest surprise?  Man four millennium ago was worried about hair loss.

“It’s true” said a scientist.  “We were really blown away by this.”

A full-body reconstruction of the ancient man, dubbed “full body reconstruction of ancient man” by scientists has shown that he had a combover.

“It (the combover) started just below his left ear and was painstakingly brushed over his head to give the illusion of thickness” according to those who have seen the full body reconstruction.  He also apparently carried with him a special tool for which scientists were at first not able to ascertain its use.  The tool was eight inches long, had a series of ridges and one end was loaded with a sticky substance.

“It finally dawned on us after experimenting with the tool with a wax replica of Bruce Willis that this was the ancient man’s combover tool.  The comb was larger than  normal to handle the long combover strains of hair.  And we figure the sticky resin was to hold the combover in place.”

The ancient man was also found lying at an angle that would have put the prevailing winds to his left side.

“We figure he was trying to walk at an angle that would not mess up his combover.  Even with the resin it was susceptible to wind gusts. Hence, he could not walk into wind or have wind behind him.  He could only walk with the wind in the direction of his part.”

This may in part be responsible for his death.  Evidence of abundant game was found a couple hundred yards from him.

“But to get to this food he would have had to walk into the wind.  And if you had to choose between an empty stomach and a healthy, rich, luxuriant head of hair that made you look younger and attracted women, what would you choose?”

This ancient Greenland man was also apparently worried about the size of his penis.

“We also found next to the body what can only be described as a primitive suction pump.  We figure this was placed around the ancient’s member to create a vacuum which would increase his girth.”

This ancient man also was literate as a stone tablet was found next to the pump.   On it was written “Guntak tired of being laughed at by ladies.  Guntak make pump and increase girth.  Guntak use pump.  Guntak no notice increase in girth.  Guntak bleed.”

As for the cause of death, scientists speculate that it was suicide.

“With his lack of hair and girth, what else could he do?”

As for other information gleaned from the ancient man, scientists report that he was in his late 20s, 5 feet 8 inches tall, weighed approximatly 165 pounds, had brown eyes and black hair and was a registered Democrat.

“I know what you’re thinking and we also were surprised that he had brown eyes.”

The full body reconstruction of ancient man will be on display until June 15th.


5 Responses

  1. Matt says:

    Sadly, all of the man’s issues were directly attributable to the fact that he was a registered Democrat. Unfortunately for him, Kool Aid had not yet been invented, so he lacked the liberal smug sense of unwarranted self importance that might have saved his life (but would have done nothing for his girth).

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Speaking of girth, I wonder if Al Gore has anything to say about these massive snow storms.

  3. No doubt he couldn’t get it up either.

  4. Manhattan Infidel says:

    That would explain the primitive viagra tablets next to the body. At least scientists think it was viagra. It might have been fruitcake.

  5. dsas says:

    Tibet and Nepal were the first cold environment for proto-mongoloids ,not Siberia

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