Curling Violence Mars Olympics

Curling brings out the worst in humanityThe 2010 Winter Olympics in Vancouver, Canada have, for the most part, gone on without a hitch.  However, a new and troubling element is invading the Olympics.  Organizers have found themselves struggling to deal with a rash of Curling-related violence attributable to roving gangs of “Curling Hooligans.”

A family from Texas tells of the verbal abuse they had to suffer.

“I brought my wife and children to see the curling competition.  Everything was fine until these kids sat down behind us.  They were rough.  They were smoking and using foul language and they had tattoos that said ‘Curlers for Satan’ and ‘Death to noncurlers’ “ said the husband.  “The next thing I know a fight breaks out and someone gets stabbed.  My youngest son was so scared he thought he was at the VMAs.”

The entire world was shocked when the Chinese curling team was attacked on the ice by thugs in leather jackets brandishing chains who kept shouting “this is for the Na’vi” as they beat up the athletes. IOC President Jacques Rogge pleaded with the hooligans to stop.  Afterwards he told reporters that he was dismayed.  “I expect this level of violence at strip clubs packed with Pro Football players but not at the Olympics.”

Olympic organizers had to postpone further curling matches until the blood was mopped up.

The unprecedented level of violence in Curling perhaps has its roots in the early days of the game: Curling was invented in Scotland in the 16th Century as a way of beating up the English.

“It’s true” according to Roger Fergusson, proprietor of the Curling Museum in Dunblane,  Scotland.  “Back in those days entire towns were looking for ways to beat up the English.  We’d tell the Limeys to meet us at the pond for a traditional Scottish ritual.  Then we’d all take turns beating them up with sticks. Eventually the English found out what we were doing and we were forced to substitute rocks for the British.”

Psychiatrists blame the recent onslaught of Curling violence on a nihilistic world view.

“Let’s face it.  Curling brings out the worst in humanity.  These Curling hooligans have no values.  Nothing to believe in.  No hope.  Nothing to look forward to except more crotch photos of Lindsay Lohan” said one psychiatrist.

The IOC has threatened to remove Curling as an Olympic sport if the violence continues.

“We’ll just have to replace it with a sport people want to see, like pole dancing or watching David Hasselhoff trying to eat a cheeseburger when he’s drunk” said Rogge.

In the meantime security has been stepped up at the Olympics.  Guards have been issued tasers with strict orders to use them on hooligans and David Hasselhoff, “if he dares show his face.”


4 Responses

  1. KingShamus says:

    The Na’avi reference? Awesome.

  2. innominatus says:

    This is my broomstick, you primitive screwheads!

  3. Matt says:

    I had heard that it was bad. But when you report the crotch shots of Lindsay Lohan, I realized it’s a sign of the apocalypse.

  4. Manhattan Infidel says:

    KS – The entire time I was watching Avatar I was trying to look at her nipples. Does that make me a bad man?

    Inn – I think they prefer to be called indigenous screwheads.

    Matt – The apocalypse has been postponed. Not enough votes in Congress.

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