Representative Patrick Kennedy (D-RI) today ended weeks of speculation as to his exact reasons for giving up his seat in Congress and held a press conference on the steps of the Capitol Building.

“My father instilled in me a deep respect for public service, waitresses from Hooters and airbags.  It’s pretty simple in this respect.  After a great deal of soul-searching and self-reflection I have decided that a personal life is of greater value.  Emotional connections that are real and loving and personal just trump everything else.”

He then went on to describe the type of loving personal relationships he treasured.

“In my years here in Washington I have grown to value my relationships with the waitresses from Hooters who give me personal service if you know what I mean.  I value the deep bond I have formed with the guy who owns the liquor store by me. I cherish my relationship with the Nazi spy I’m in  love with.  All of these deep loving relationships would be jeopardized if I stayed in office.  This is why I am not running for reelection.  That and I would lose pretty badly.  I mean my opponent would wipe the floor with me.  I would be humbled more than New York Met fans were in 2009.  So those are the reasons I am resigning.  Personal relationships.  And I’d get my ass whipped in the election.”

Representative Kennedy also talked about the emotional toll his father’s last year of life took on him.

“I remember one of the last times I saw him he looked at me and said ‘Patrick, I want you to continue in the footsteps of my older brothers and I.’  I told him that I was drunk and the woman on my arm was a Nazi spy.  He was so proud.  I still get choked up thinking about it.”

Kennedy discussed what he planned to do with the time he had left in office.

“Strippers.  Lots and lots of strippers.  Let’s face it, being Congressman Patrick Kennedy will get me more lap dances than being a private citizen will.  I’ll miss it but it must be done.  Like I said, personal relationships and I’d lose the election pretty handily.”

Congressman Kennedy ended the press conference and was last seen driving his car into the reflecting pool in front of the Washington Monument.

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