Killer Whale Kills Trainer; Humans Ask Why?

A killer whale kills - humans ask why?A killer whale at SeaWorld in Orlando Florida grabbed its trainer and killed her in front of horrified spectators today.  Witnesses say the whale, named Tilikum, appeared agitated before it lunged at its trainer.  This is the third time Tilikum has killed a human.

“We’re shocked.  We don’t know why this killer whale decided to kill.  We don’t know what was going through its head.  We just hope that people won’t view killer whales through the prism of this unfortunate incident.  The overwhelming vast majority of them are large, gentle creatures beloved by children – kind of like Oliver Hardy” said the Director of SeaWorld.

Immediately after the accident SeaWorld was closed as a killer whale whisperer was summoned.  The whisperer was lowered into the tank and caressed Tilikum while singing Celine Dion’s My Heart Will Go On.

“I wanted to reassure Tilikum that humans still loved him and that we don’t hold him responsible.  I know that he was traumatized by the killing.  I saw a tear in his eye” said the whale whisperer.

After the whale whisperer left Tilikum was handcuffed and transported downtown to police headquarters.

“The hardest part was finding an orange jumpsuit that would fit him” said the detective in charge of the investigation.  “I read him his Miranda rights and asked him if he understood.  He shook his head yes.  Then he ate my Lieutenant.”

A group calling itself the North American Man Killer Whale Love Association has hired a lawyer for Tilikum.  They also picketed outside the police station holding signs that said “Killer whales make better lovers” and “2, 4, 6, 8 I need a killer whale for a date.”

“If loving killer whales is wrong then I don’t want to be right” said a NAMKWLA member.

Despite today’s tragedy SeaWorld has no plans to remove its killer whale exhibit.

“The killer whale show is our most popular attraction and even with an occasional murder we still have less problems than with our last whale” said the manager of the exhibit, referring to their hugely unpopular beatnik whale show.

“The beatnik whale would do nothing but wear a beret, smoke cigarettes, play bongos, write crappy poetry and talk about the evils of capitalism.  If I wanted that I’d watch MSNBC.”

President Obama has stated that the police in Florida have “acted stupidly” in this instance.

Tilikum is expected to be released on bail next week.


3 Responses

  1. I hear Kevin Jennings wants to form the National Man Whale Love Association to heal the nation over this.

  2. KingShamus says:

    Maybe Jennings can show Tilikum the ins and outs of fisting.

  3. Manhattan Infidel says:

    That would add an extra dimension to the killer whale exhibit.

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