Number Two Taliban Leader Captured by CIA; Hollywood Plans Protest

Taliban leaders discuss John Locke’s fate on LostThe Taliban’s second in command, Mullah Abdul Ghani Baradar has been captured.  Baradar, Mullar Omar’s military leader was seized in the tribal region of Pakistan while sitting in a McDonalds eating a bacon cheeseburger.  Baradar’s capture is the biggest prize of the war so far.

“Our intelligence was looking for ways to capture him and we figured what does a backward, militant Muslim who wants to turn back the clock to the 8th Century want most?  Then it hit us – McDonalds!” said a CIA operative involved in the operation.

After his capture Baradar was taken to a top secret CIA prison (the one in Karachi located at 15 Top Secret CIA Prison Drive.)  Baradar refused to talk until he was given access to a television so he could keep up with Lost.

“He’s a big Lost fanatic.  When we seized him he kept asking about John Locke – was he really dead – and about Claire – what virus has consumed her?” said an agent.  “Since we gave him that TV he has given us a treasure load of valuable information like the strength and  location of the Taliban military, the whereabouts of Osama Bin Ladin, Barry Bond’s steroid supplier, you  name it.”

News of the capture of Baradar has created a firestorm of protest in Hollywood.  Rallies were held throughout the City.

Danny Glover addressed one rally.

“The U.S. Government, the CIA and our military are engaging in systematic genocide against the peoples of Afghanistan and Pakistan.  The Taliban are not our enemy.  Our enemy is here.  Our enemies are Red State teabaggers who want to halt America’s march toward socialism.  All the Taliban want to do is redistribute the income.  I myself will not have my income redistributed since if it was I wouldn’t have the money to fly around the world talking about the merits of socialism.”

Whoopie Goldberg told the same rally that “what Mullah Baradar did with his goat was not rape-rape.”

During the Oscar ceremonies this year organizers are planning a “Free Mullah Baradar and Roman Polanski” moment of silence.

Meanwhile back in Afghanistan rumors continue to swirl that the United States has reached a deal with the Taliban that would end hostilities.  In return for the Taliban’s return to peaceful pursuits the U.S. will invest heavily in the infrastructure of that country.

As one Taliban leader said, “All we want is to live a pure Muslim life according to the Prophet, like they did in the 8th Century.  We can’t do that if our cell phones keep losing coverage and our blackberries cannot be synched with our email accounts because of our crappy Windows Vista laptops.  We would also  like the Executive Producers of Lost to come to Afghanistan and explain what exactly is going on! Virgins, text messages and Lost.  It’s what Islam is all about.”

Mullah Omar remains at large, though the most recent intelligence suggests he is hiding out in Ho-Ho-Kus, New Jersey as the lead singer of a local Journey cover band.


5 Responses

  1. KingShamus says:

    Oddly enough, the “nab the perp at Mickey-D’s” trick was how the cops pinched the Ol’ Dirty Bastard.

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Which is why I only go to Burger King now.

  3. Matt says:

    I see Glover has the true revolutionary spirit, which, loosely translated, comes out as, “We’ll redistribute yours, I’ll keep mine.”

  4. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Redistribution is for the little people to paraphrase Leona Helmsley.

  5. Matt says:

    Invoking Leona show creativity and bravery.

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