The Manhattan Infidel blog generates lots of reader mail and I would like to share with you a sample of the letters I get from concerned readers on a broad range of issues.

L.L. writes, “I recently shot and killed a federal agent and buried him in my back yard.  But that’s not my problem.  The problem is my dog keeps digging him up, grabbing the bones in his mouth and placing them at my feet.  Is there any way to stop him from doing this?”

L.L.,  I’ve found that burying anybody in the back yard, be they a federal agent, an ex, a coworker or one of the undead is just not worth the risk.  Too many things can go wrong.  Floods, zoning changes, zombieism. Before you know it your carefully buried body is washed up or roaming the neighborhood looking for revenge.  Worse, you can be fined.  It is much safer to boil the flesh off and store the bones in the back of your refrigerator next to the cream cheese.

D.B. from Philadelphia writes, “My son came home from school with a drawing he made of me that he was very proud of.  It was just a stick figure.  He wanted me to put it up on the refrigerator. I had had a few so instead I told him it was crap and ripped it up. He cried a lot that night.  Did I do something wrong?”

You did nothing wrong.  It is time that the parents of the United States took a stand against the tyranny of school art projects.  The next time your son brings something home sit him down and patiently explain that daddy drinks a lot and is trapped in a loveless marriage.  If he doesn’t like that explanation take him by the hand and show him the mounds in the back yard and ask him if he remembers having an older brother

T.S. writes, “Recently I noticed an eye growing on my shoulder.  Should I be worried?”

That depends.  It might be Rosie Greer. If that is the case you are legally entitled to half the proceeds from memorabilia shows he might attend.

S.C. writes, “I have heard nothing but good things about your blog.  Unfortunately we do not have internet access in prison.  What can I do?”

Excellent question.  I am asked this a lot.  You have to steal the warden’s suit and shoes, escape through a sewage pipe and meet me in Mexico on the Pacific Ocean.  I’ll be fixing up an old boat.

L.K. writes, “I am thinking of starting a blog and I was wondering……….Oh my God….zombies!  They’re everywhere!”

You had a question?  Lock the door, grab a machete and start your blog.  Quit whining.  Zombies are much easier to kill than werewolves or federal agents.  Zombies are slow moving, clumsy and weak whereas werewolves are quick and strong.  Federal agents are neither quick nor strong but they are annoying and persistent.

Taylor writes, “I am an astronaut.  Recently I was sent on a deep space mission.  I landed on a planet with talking apes who are trying to kill me.  But that’s not my problem.  My problem is the apes are still using dial-up to access the internet.  Do you know how long it takes to get my email now?  The only bright side to my situation is I don’t have to wait in line for three hours to take the ferry to the Statue of Liberty.”

Dial-up?  Sucks to be you Taylor.  By the way, is the crown on the Statue of Liberty still closed?

Brent writes, “I too am an astronaut.  I was following Taylor’s trajectory and  landed on a planet filled with mutant humans who worship nuclear bombs.  What can I do?”

Brent.  Really.  What the Hell are you doing in Iran?

And there you have it.  A brief, representative sample of the mail I receive.  I hope to share more mail with my readers soon so keep those cards, letters and emails coming.  And always carry a machete.

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A meeting at the White House today between representatives of the Girl Scouts and President Obama and Vice President Joe Biden took an unexpected turn with many of the Girl Scouts crying and asking for their parents. The Girl Scouts were assembled in the White House to honor those among them who sold the most cookies.  The ceremony started when President Obama met with the Girl Scouts for a photo op.

“You know those cookies you girls sell are killers” joked the President.  “Seriously they clog arteries and build up cholesterol.  Thank God my newly passed health insurance program will help people who eat your cookies.  Do you girls have health insurance?  Do you have a preexisting condition?  How secure is your father’s job?”

This appeared to confuse the girls.

“What’s a preexisting condition?” asked one.  Another started crying and ran to her mother.  “Mommy, is daddy going to lose his job?”

“Thank God the Democrats were able to block the Republicans.  They are the party of ‘No’ you understand” continued the President. 

He then thanked the girl scouts before leaving.  “I’d love to stay but Michelle and I are heading to New York to do a little congratulatory shopping.”

Vice President Biden then took over and put his arm around the Girl Scout who had sold the most cookies.

“How many did you sell?” he asked her.  When he was told how many Biden slapped his thigh and said “Wow.  That many?  That’s a big fucking deal!”

Vice President Biden then looked at the assembled reporters and exclaimed, “Do you know how many fucking cookies this little cocksucker sold?  We should all be proud of her fucking ‘Can Do’ spirit.  I remember when I was in the Boy Scouts I had to sell fucking candles.  Candles!  Jesus Christ can you believe it?  I didn’t sell one of those motherfuckers.  Hey who wants to hear a joke?  When does a Cub Scout become a Boy Scout?”

The Girl Scouts looked shocked.  Many started crying while others pointed to Biden and said “He said a bad word!”

Before Biden could give the punchline to the joke the Secret Service sprang into action.

“Number Two’s gone rogue. Number Two’s gone off script” they shouted before surrounding the Vice President and hustling him away.

Press Secretary Robert Gibbs blamed Biden’s behavior on medication he is taking for a preexisting medical condition.  “A preexisting condition that might have resulted in him losing his health insurance if the Republicans had gotten their way.”

Kathy Cloninger, CEO of the Girls Scouts of America announced that in the future they will not be attending any White House events.

“I haven’t heard such language since I watched Deadwood.”

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The passage of the health care entitlement package combined with America’s exploding debt has forced the bond credit rating organization Standard and Poor’s to change the U.S credit rating.  S&P has announced that henceforth the U.S. debt assessment will be “Pete Best”, the lowest assignable level. Deven Sharma, President of S&P, announced the change today.

The Pete Best level was created after its namesake was fired by the Beatles.  Assignment to the Pete Best level officially means the U.S. is rated as “Bankrupt, having a lasting inability to meet payments or will become a mid-level civil servant while your former mates go on to fame and fortune.”  This will seriously impede the United States’ efforts to borrow more money to fund future entitlements.

The President of the People’s Republic of China has announced that his country will no longer buy U.S. debt.  Hu Jintao, speaking to reporters today said “We have come to the conclusion that we no longer have any chance of being paid back by the United States.  We are technically a Communist country but even we know that you can’t keep borrowing.  You have to start paying off the debt eventually.  Somebody should cut up the U.S. Congress’ credit cards.”

Responding to the news, President Barack Obama today said, “I’m a socialist and as such am unfamiliar with capitalist terminology.  Not that such terminology would concern me anyway.  I’ve been to Harvard.  I’m an expert.”

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, (R-KY) told reporters “Our debt rating being reduced to Pete Best level should be a wake up call.  We cannot keep spending.  We don’t have the money.  We cannot even borrow money anymore. If this keeps up the United States will have no future but touring England in a five-piece combo and forever living off the glory of former friends.”

From England, Pete Best had this to say:  “Hey, come on.  Why is everybody always picking on me?”

The last person assigned the Pete Best credit rating was  11-year old Sean Williams of East Park, Illinois, who borrowed 45 dollars from his parents to build a car for the soap box derby and was unable to pay it back.  Mr. Williams is now touring England in a five-piece combo.

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Everyone knows that the times are tough.  Unemployment hovers around 10%. It has gotten so bad that many Mexicans are moving back to Mexico.  Aware of the tough times my fellow Americans are facing, I have decided to do what I can to alleviate the suffering I see around me.  So here for your benefit, is the Manhattan Infidel’s guide to getting that dream job.

Step 1:  The cover letter and resume.

We’ve all lied on resumes.  Call it “enhancing” your history if you want.  But technically it is lying.  And I’m here to tell you that nothing is wrong with that.  In fact, if you want the respect of potential employers, the lie must be audacious.  If for instance, you want a job in the finance department there is nothing wrong with putting down “Secretary of the Treasury” on your resume. Quick – can you name our current or previous three Secretaries of the Treasury?  I thought not.  You’ll get away with it.  And, if perchance you find a interviewer who knows the answer to that question they’ll respect the scope of the lie.  This is America.  And everything is bigger in America.  If not, that’s why we have the second amendment.

On the cover letter, do not sweat typos, grammar or even the ability to make sense.  Potential employers rarely read cover letters or even know how to read.  For instance, on my last cover letter I wrote in 72 point font “Snakes!  Snakes!  Get them off me!  Get them off me!”  If you really want to impress a potential employer send in a blank cover letter.  If they ask, tell them it’s “modern.”

Step 2:  The “Call.”

The point of all this is to get a call for an interview.  If you are called by someone in H.R., they will probably ask you to come in early in the morning.  Do not agree to this.  They are testing you.  When asked to come in at 9:30 counter with “What?  Do you know what time the bars close?” or “No can do.  It was a full moon last night and I think I killed somebody.”  This will show them that you are your own person.  You have a life.  You have hobbies.  You might rip them to shreds next full moon.  Trust me.  They will respect this.

Step 3:  The Interview.

Many people assume that showing up five to ten minutes early for an interview is admirable.  Do not do this.  Nothing will make a potential employer hold you in contempt more than this.   Show up five to ten minutes late.  Do not shave for the interview.  Do not shower.  Bring soap, strip naked and give yourself a sponge bath in the reception area.  If possible take one of the flower pots and urinate in it.  If asked, point out your “steady stream” and how they’ll save on medical costs by hiring you.

When the person who is going to interview you greets you, do not shake their hand.  Instead, place your hand between their thighs.  Tell them that this is how the ancient Israelites used to do it.  If possible, keep your hand between their thighs for the entire interview.

Your demeanor must say “I am bored by these petty bourgeois concerns.”  If you can arrange it, fall asleep during the interview.

The sympathy angle always works.  Stand up and let out a stream of invective.  Then sit down, wait 30 seconds and say “I’m sorry.  It’s the Tourette Syndrome.”

When asked about  hobbies, casually tell them “I told the police it was consensual.”

You will be asked if you have any questions about the company.  Do not fall for this trap.  It will imply that you actually care.  Instead, ask them if they have a family day and if so, can you bring sheep?

At the end of the interview they might ask to exchange cards.  Tell them you don’t have a business card.  Hand them a sandwich bag containing your stool sample.  Ask them if they will drop it off at a testing center.

Step 4:  The follow up letter.

After your successful interview wait approximately six months and send a follow up letter.  Apologize for the long time in responding and blame it on a “parole violation.”

In the second paragraph of your follow up letter try to make a personal connection with the interviewer.  Write something along the lines of “Are you into it?  I think you might be.  Are you into it? Huh?  Huh? I know a club we can go to.  Very dark.  Everyone wears masks.  It’s totally anonymous.”

And so, dear reader, if you follow these steps I assure you that you will find your dream job.  Good job hunting!

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