Charlie the Tuna’s Death Spurs President Obama to Seek Change in Fishing Laws

Charlie the Tuna, martyr and symbolAs America grieves over the untimely death of Charlie the Tuna, President Obama is seeking to use the tragedy to implement sweeping changes in fishing laws throughout the United States.

Charlie, long-time mascot for Starkist Tuna had reported to work as normal on Wednesday morning when fellow workers heard an internal ear with three semicircular canals and otoliths piercing scream.

“We saw Charlie wiggling around with a hook in his mouth.  He was screaming ‘Help me.  I don’t want to die just yet.  There is so much of the sea I haven’t defecated in yet'” said a grieving coworker.

Charlie’s funeral was well attended.  The incredible Mr. Limpet, Chuck, the shark from Jaws, Orca and Flipper represented the mourning fish community while President Obama, Vice President Biden and Paris Hilton represented the environmentally conscious human community.

“Charlie’s death, while tragic is a wake up call” declared President Obama.  “No longer must we allow recreational fishermen to use our waterways for their own selfish needs. Charlie’s death proves that fishermen care nothing for the environment or the dictates of the United Nations.”

President Obama warmed to his task as the eulogy progressed, ripping off his jacket and rolling up his sleeves.

“We Democrats pride ourselves on our record of pro-tuna activism.  My opponents, the Republicans, slaves to the fisherman lobby, think it is okay for humans to place sharp hooks with worms on them into the water to trick our fish brothers!  My opponents, the Republicans, have a long history of racism directed towards the tuna community.  I bet some of them are eating tuna as I speak.”

“The bastards!” screamed the Incredible Mr. Limpet who removed his glasses and broke down crying.

“That’s why I am proposing that America adopt the recommendations of the United Nations Interagency Ocean Policy Task Force.  If we do this, further tragedies like what happened to Charlie might be prevented.”

Vice President Biden spoke next.

“I remember when FDR stepped on the moon.  He said ‘That’s one small step for man.  One giant leap for fish rights.’ “

Paris Hilton was the last speaker and regaled the mourners with stories of meeting Charlie at Hollywood parties.

“He was a gentle fish.  He always had a smile on his face.  All he cared about was going back to the sea and fertilizing his wife.  And defecating.”

The mourners then proceeded to board a boat where Charlie’s casket, a small round aluminum can was lowered into the sea.

Republicans quickly responded to the President, calling Charlie a “deeply disturbed tuna with a death wish.  He wanted to be caught and eaten.”

The Pillsbury Doughboy, President of the Cartoon Characters of America has asked for members to enact a work stoppage until President Obama’s recommendations are passed by Congress.

“With  Tony the Tiger and Mr. Clean leading the picket line, we can bring America to its knees.

Starkist Tuna, while expressing its deep condolences to Charlie’s family has already hired a new mascot and introduced him at a press conference today.

“I’m looking forward to my new role with Starkist.  Hey, work is work” said Gary Coleman


2 Responses

  1. innominatus says:

    Heh. Biden is so stupid that it makes it difficult for us smartasses to come up with something crazier than his own words.

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    This is true. Biden makes our job more difficult, or easier depending on the point of view.

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