Reader Mailbag

The Manhattan Infidel gets lettersThe Manhattan Infidel blog generates lots of reader mail and I would like to share with you a sample of the letters I get from concerned readers on a broad range of issues.

L.L. writes, “I recently shot and killed a federal agent and buried him in my back yard.  But that’s not my problem.  The problem is my dog keeps digging him up, grabbing the bones in his mouth and placing them at my feet.  Is there any way to stop him from doing this?”

L.L.,  I’ve found that burying anybody in the back yard, be they a federal agent, an ex, a coworker or one of the undead is just not worth the risk.  Too many things can go wrong.  Floods, zoning changes, zombieism. Before you know it your carefully buried body is washed up or roaming the neighborhood looking for revenge.  Worse, you can be fined.  It is much safer to boil the flesh off and store the bones in the back of your refrigerator next to the cream cheese.

D.B. from Philadelphia writes, “My son came home from school with a drawing he made of me that he was very proud of.  It was just a stick figure.  He wanted me to put it up on the refrigerator. I had had a few so instead I told him it was crap and ripped it up. He cried a lot that night.  Did I do something wrong?”

You did nothing wrong.  It is time that the parents of the United States took a stand against the tyranny of school art projects.  The next time your son brings something home sit him down and patiently explain that daddy drinks a lot and is trapped in a loveless marriage.  If he doesn’t like that explanation take him by the hand and show him the mounds in the back yard and ask him if he remembers having an older brother

T.S. writes, “Recently I noticed an eye growing on my shoulder.  Should I be worried?”

That depends.  It might be Rosie Greer. If that is the case you are legally entitled to half the proceeds from memorabilia shows he might attend.

S.C. writes, “I have heard nothing but good things about your blog.  Unfortunately we do not have internet access in prison.  What can I do?”

Excellent question.  I am asked this a lot.  You have to steal the warden’s suit and shoes, escape through a sewage pipe and meet me in Mexico on the Pacific Ocean.  I’ll be fixing up an old boat.

L.K. writes, “I am thinking of starting a blog and I was wondering……….Oh my God….zombies!  They’re everywhere!”

You had a question?  Lock the door, grab a machete and start your blog.  Quit whining.  Zombies are much easier to kill than werewolves or federal agents.  Zombies are slow moving, clumsy and weak whereas werewolves are quick and strong.  Federal agents are neither quick nor strong but they are annoying and persistent.

Taylor writes, “I am an astronaut.  Recently I was sent on a deep space mission.  I landed on a planet with talking apes who are trying to kill me.  But that’s not my problem.  My problem is the apes are still using dial-up to access the internet.  Do you know how long it takes to get my email now?  The only bright side to my situation is I don’t have to wait in line for three hours to take the ferry to the Statue of Liberty.”

Dial-up?  Sucks to be you Taylor.  By the way, is the crown on the Statue of Liberty still closed?

Brent writes, “I too am an astronaut.  I was following Taylor’s trajectory and  landed on a planet filled with mutant humans who worship nuclear bombs.  What can I do?”

Brent.  Really.  What the Hell are you doing in Iran?

And there you have it.  A brief, representative sample of the mail I receive.  I hope to share more mail with my readers soon so keep those cards, letters and emails coming.  And always carry a machete.


5 Responses

  1. innominatus says:

    That’s some solid advice. I’m just thankful that nobody asked you “why does
    it pee when I burn?”

    PS – if this appears twice, it is ‘cuz hash-cash barfed on the first attempt

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Re hash-cash barf: As Barbie once said, “Math is hard.”

    As for why does it pee when I burn……that’s a mystery. But I’m sure the Democrats will nationalize it and all will be explained.

  3. Matt says:

    If you have misplaced your machete, a screwdriver is fine too.

  4. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Excellent advice Matt. And if you don’t have a screwdriver any Bruce Willis DVD will do. Zombies fear him.

  5. KingShamus says:

    Well, I for one will be blockading myself in the nearest Costco when the zombies come.

    Not because of it’s ample supplies of food, but because of the fantastic bargains.

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