Everyone knows that the times are tough.  Unemployment hovers around 10%. It has gotten so bad that many Mexicans are moving back to Mexico.  Aware of the tough times my fellow Americans are facing, I have decided to do what I can to alleviate the suffering I see around me.  So here for your benefit, is the Manhattan Infidel’s guide to getting that dream job.

Step 1:  The cover letter and resume.

We’ve all lied on resumes.  Call it “enhancing” your history if you want.  But technically it is lying.  And I’m here to tell you that nothing is wrong with that.  In fact, if you want the respect of potential employers, the lie must be audacious.  If for instance, you want a job in the finance department there is nothing wrong with putting down “Secretary of the Treasury” on your resume. Quick – can you name our current or previous three Secretaries of the Treasury?  I thought not.  You’ll get away with it.  And, if perchance you find a interviewer who knows the answer to that question they’ll respect the scope of the lie.  This is America.  And everything is bigger in America.  If not, that’s why we have the second amendment.

On the cover letter, do not sweat typos, grammar or even the ability to make sense.  Potential employers rarely read cover letters or even know how to read.  For instance, on my last cover letter I wrote in 72 point font “Snakes!  Snakes!  Get them off me!  Get them off me!”  If you really want to impress a potential employer send in a blank cover letter.  If they ask, tell them it’s “modern.”

Step 2:  The “Call.”

The point of all this is to get a call for an interview.  If you are called by someone in H.R., they will probably ask you to come in early in the morning.  Do not agree to this.  They are testing you.  When asked to come in at 9:30 counter with “What?  Do you know what time the bars close?” or “No can do.  It was a full moon last night and I think I killed somebody.”  This will show them that you are your own person.  You have a life.  You have hobbies.  You might rip them to shreds next full moon.  Trust me.  They will respect this.

Step 3:  The Interview.

Many people assume that showing up five to ten minutes early for an interview is admirable.  Do not do this.  Nothing will make a potential employer hold you in contempt more than this.   Show up five to ten minutes late.  Do not shave for the interview.  Do not shower.  Bring soap, strip naked and give yourself a sponge bath in the reception area.  If possible take one of the flower pots and urinate in it.  If asked, point out your “steady stream” and how they’ll save on medical costs by hiring you.

When the person who is going to interview you greets you, do not shake their hand.  Instead, place your hand between their thighs.  Tell them that this is how the ancient Israelites used to do it.  If possible, keep your hand between their thighs for the entire interview.

Your demeanor must say “I am bored by these petty bourgeois concerns.”  If you can arrange it, fall asleep during the interview.

The sympathy angle always works.  Stand up and let out a stream of invective.  Then sit down, wait 30 seconds and say “I’m sorry.  It’s the Tourette Syndrome.”

When asked about  hobbies, casually tell them “I told the police it was consensual.”

You will be asked if you have any questions about the company.  Do not fall for this trap.  It will imply that you actually care.  Instead, ask them if they have a family day and if so, can you bring sheep?

At the end of the interview they might ask to exchange cards.  Tell them you don’t have a business card.  Hand them a sandwich bag containing your stool sample.  Ask them if they will drop it off at a testing center.

Step 4:  The follow up letter.

After your successful interview wait approximately six months and send a follow up letter.  Apologize for the long time in responding and blame it on a “parole violation.”

In the second paragraph of your follow up letter try to make a personal connection with the interviewer.  Write something along the lines of “Are you into it?  I think you might be.  Are you into it? Huh?  Huh? I know a club we can go to.  Very dark.  Everyone wears masks.  It’s totally anonymous.”

And so, dear reader, if you follow these steps I assure you that you will find your dream job.  Good job hunting!

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