“A hot dog at the ballgame beats roast beef at the Ritz”  ~ Humphrey Bogart

The New York Yankees  (representing truth and decency and justice) played game two of their three game series against the Texas Rangers Saturday,  I was lucky  enough to freeze in the upper deck while watching.

Being Spring the weather was cold, bitter and unpleasant.  Much like Joy Behar.

The Yankees started A.J. Burnett (he of the ever rising patch of hair).  Mr. Burnett pitched 7 inning of shutout ball giving up only  4 hits.

The  Yankees won.  In the bottom of the first Alex Rodriguez singled in America’s friend of the disabled list – Nick  Johnson. In the second inning Jorge “Angry Spanish Man” Posada and Curt “I can hit lefties, honest!” Granderson scored making it  3 – 0 for the forces of decency.

In the 3rd inning, Derek Jeter, no doubt wanting to distance himself from his stalker Alex Rodriguez homered.  Not to be outdone Alex Rodriguez homered in the 4th. As he crossed home plate the words “I love  you Derek” seemed to form on his lips. Being in the 400 level I could not see clearly but I think it was either “I love you Derek” or “My jockstrap is bunched up,  Help me!”

It was 7 – 0 after four innings.  A lead even our bullpen could not give up.  Final score:  Yankees 7 Rangers 3.

Fun things to do at the ballgame:

During a bathroom break, while standing at the urinal,  shout “Release the Kraken!”

During the 7th inning stretch, instead of singing “Take me out to the ballgame” turn to the person sitting next to you and sing “I don’t want anybody else.  When I think about you I touch myself.  Ooooh….Oooooh  I honestly do.” Shoot him if he objects.  (Doesn’t anyone like early ’90’s music anymore?)

Notes on the game:

It was calendar day at the ballpark and all fans got a 2010 Yankee calendar filled with reminders of precious Yankee moments.  Here are a few:

• May 15th, 1922:  Babe Ruth contracts venereal disease for the first time.
• June 20th, 1957:  An obviously hung over Mickey Mantle throws up on little league players.  Says Mickey afterwords:  “I’m sorry kids.  I guess the hooker I was with last night gave me something. I  mean my balls are on fire!”
• August 2nd, 1996:  Kevin Maas sets a Major League record by striking out six times despite being out of the game for two years.  Says Maas, “Prostitutes don’t go for investment bankers like they do ballplayers.”

After every inning the NYPD ran out onto the field. They were obviously scanning the crowd for terrorists.  Okay.  They  were scanning the crowd for donuts.  They found one kid eating a donut.  They wrestled him to the ground, hit him over the head and grabbed the donut from him mouth and ate it themselves while screaming “Donuts are not for civilians!”

Every time Texas Shortstop Elvis Andrus came to bat I would shout “Elvis is dead!”  This did not go over well with the 75 year old man in the white jumpsuit sitting next to me. He kept saying “We can’t go on together with suspicious minds” and “Viva Las Vegas!”

Nick Johnson injury watch:

Nick was tragically blinded in the locker room before the game after accidentally seeing a nude Derek Jeter in his full effulgence.  Fortunately this will not effect his ability to reach first base as most MLB umpires are blind as well.  Those who aren’t have no idea where the strike zone is anyway so Johnson still stands a 50/50 chance of walking.

Reader mail:

W.J.J.B. of Florida writes, “My god, where did all this blood come from?”

W.J.J.B., what did I tell you about “safe words”?  It’s not just a recommendation.  If you use safe words each  partner knows when the other’s limits have been reached. Now you’re screwed. Those CSI people will show up at your place with their blue spectral thingies and search for biologicals.  The next thing you know you’ll be sharing a jail cell with Phil Spector or D.C. from the AHS class of ’81.

D.B. of Philadelphia writes “Phillies forever!  Yankees never!”

D.B.’s so bitter.  Probably works for an accounting firm.

M.O. of New Jersey writes, “While hobnobbing with celebrities I often ask myself what do the simple folk do to help them escape when they’re blue?”

I think they sit around and wonder what royal folk must do.  And that’s what simple folk do.

J.B. of Chicago writes, “I do not care about baseball.  The game does not matter to me.  Stop sending me emails about the Yankees.”

Obviously a Cubs fan in denial.

M.W. (though soon to be M.B.) writes “Recently I was shot by the NYPD after driving on the sidewalk.  Can I sue?”

As long as you didn’t have donuts on you I think you can.

Rick the Stick writes, “Can I shower nude with Derek Jeter?”

No.  That is Nick Johnson’s job.

Recommended reading material:

Fathers on the Frontier:  French Missionaries and the Roman Catholic Priesthood in the United States, 1789-1870 by Michael Pasquier.

And that’s that.  After two games I am 1 -1.  My next game is Saturday May 1st against the Chicago White Sox.

Go Yankees!

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People ask me what I do in winter when there’s no baseball. I’ll tell you what I do. I stare out the window and wait for spring  ~ Rogers  Hornsby

Six long months after the New York Yankees, representing truth, justice and the American way, won their 27th World Championship, I attended my first game of the year against the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim of Los Angeles of California.  The Yankees unfortunately lost.

The Yankees started Javier “I still suck” Vasquez who lasted 5  1/3 innings, giving up 6 hits and 4 runs while walking two and striking out four.  Not in itself reason to tar and feather him and  run him out of town on a rail while forcing him to listen to William Shatner’s version of Mr. Tambourine Man on his iPod.  Yet.  However, he has been informed that if he doesn’t win his next start David Duchovny will shower with him while talking about sex addiction.

The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim of Los Angeles of California countered with Joel Pineiro. Not only was Pineiro’s sinker a mystery to the Yankees but 54,000 in attendance had to figure out why the Yankee announcer insisted on pronouncing his first name “Joe-ell.” And I’m the Manhattan Infid-ellllllleo.

Down 5 to 1 the Yankees mounted a rally in the 8th.  Nick Johnson singled in a run and Mark “April is the cruelest month” Teixeira picked up an RBI with a groundout.  But that was all they would get.  Final score:  Angels 5 Yankees 3.

Notes on the game:

Nick Johnson injury watch:

10 days into the season Nick Johnson has defied all expectations and not landed on the disabled list.  He hasn’t broken a leg.  He hasn’t had a concussion.  He hasn’t torn any ligaments in his knee while being anally probed by aliens (which, as you no doubt remember, is what ruined Nomar Garciaparra’s career.)

Robinson Cano suicide watch:

Distraught that his BFF Melky Cabrera has been traded to Atlanta, Cano seems to be holding up for the moment.  But he did build a makeshift shrine to Cabrera at 2nd base.  All who reached 2nd had to genuflect in front of the shrine.

I sat for the first time in the 200 level section (60 dollar seats).  Usually I’m in the 400 level (25 dollars) or the bleachers (12 dollars).  I noticed many things about the 200 level. For instance – cup holders on the seats.  Unfortunately I was not wearing a cup so I placed my scrotum in the cup holder.  Needless to say this was a painful and awkward position to hold for nine innings.  But, I guess that’s what one does in the 200 level.  Also everything seemed more civilized.  Even the drunks, hecklers and hookers were genteel.  Or was that gentile? I naturally wanted to fit in so I adjusted my normal heckling.  But my heckle of “I say old chap, your mother enjoys relations with a multitude of men” did not attract the attention of the Angels left fielder.

Yankee manager Joe Girardi, who wore number 27 last year has changed his uniform number to 28 to symbolize the Yankees pursuit of their 28th championship.  That was not the only uniform change.  Derek Jeter changed his number from 2 to 6,245 which I believe symbolizes the number of women he’s slept with since 1996.  Alex Rodriguez changed his number from 13 to “At least once an hour” which represents the number of times he obsesses about Derek Jeter.  Nick Johnson changed his number to “May 5th” which is the date he will suffer his season ending injury.

This is a new year.  Will the Yankees repeat as champions?  Like last year their Achilles’ heel will be their outfield.  And they will miss Johnny Damon.  But they have a good chance if the pitching holds up and Javier Vasquez can avoid showering with David Duchovny.  It’s a new year.  As Derek Jeter said after the game, “Last year is over with.  A lot of guys have left.  We have lots of new guys.  Lots of new groupies.  Wait.  Did I say that?  Can you make sure Minka doesn’t find out about the groupies?  Tiger gave me some tips about getting their numbers off my phone but I’d just as soon not have to shower with David Duchovny.”

Reader mail:

W.J.J.B. of Florida writes, “I want to chew my own cud.” 

What? What?  Are you a lawyer?

M.A. of New York State writes “Is this real life? Is this just fantasy. Caught in a landslide no escape from reality.”

Demerol my son.  Demerol.  The perfect escape from reality.

M.W. (though soon to be M.B.) writes, “Get off the damn sidewalk.  I’m driving here!  I’m driving on the sidewalk damn it!  And I like it.”

M.W., you’re not in California anymore.  You can’t drive on the sidewalk just because you feel like it.  We have laws in this state.

Jimmy the Hat writes “Can I shower with David Duchovny and Derek Jeter?”

I spoke to the Yankees P.R. Department and they assure me that for $5000 you can shower with them.  For $10,000 you can shower with the entire team and for $15,000 Derek will wear a mask, spank you and sing “I’m an old cow hand from the Rio Grande.”

L.K. from the floodplains of New Jersey writes, “I recently shaved my mohawk.  Does this mean I’ve sold out?”

Yes.  There is no hope for you.  Or the bodies buried in your back yard.

Scotty, Chief Engineer for the Starship Enterprise writes, “I can’t change the laws of physics, Captain!”

Try a spitball.

So after my first game my record stands at 0-1.  Last year the Yankees went 13-2 at games I went to.  Will they do as good this year?  My next game is this Saturday against the Texas Rangers.

Go Yankees!

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