Charlie Brown Shot Dead

Charlie Brown is the latest victim of school violenceLocal resident Charlie Brown and several of his friends including Schroeder and Pig Pen were gunned down today execution-style at their high school.

“There was blood everywhere” said the sheriff.  “It was horrible.  Absolutely horrible. Like a Deepak Chopra book.”

The only witness to the shooting left alive was Mr. Brown’s teacher.  “I tried getting a statement from her but I don’t know.  Maybe it’s just me but I couldn’t understand a word she said.”

According to reports the suspect, Linus Van Pelt, head of a local cult that worships the so-called “Great Pumpkin” walked into school loaded with semi-automatic weapons under his trench coat and “methodically” searched for specific victims.

“He seemed to have it in for Mr. Brown and several others.  Apparently Mr. Van Pelt had a history with the victims.  They had repeatedly mocked Mr. Van Pelt’s religious beliefs and had refused to join his cult” continued the sheriff.

After killing all his intended targets Van Pelt turned the gun on himself  but not before shouting “This is a sacrifice the Great Pumpkin demands!”

The so-called Cult of the Great Pumpkin had been gaining many converts in town.

“They live together on a commune in the middle of a pumpkin patch.  Some dog named Snoopy protects them.  Whenever I tried to investigate the damn dog would put on goggles, climb on top of his dog house and strafe the town.  I’d give him a ticket but oddly enough, we don’t have an ordinance against dogs strafing people.”

In the aftermath of the shooting police are expected to crack down on the Great Pumpkiners.

“They’re a dangerous cult.  Like the Mormons and people who prefer Van Halen with Sammy Hagar” stated the sheriff.

Already the FBI is reportedly setting up a field office in town to investigate the cult.

Town authorities have also looked into establishing a SWAT team for future incidents but nixed the idea because it would be too costly.  Instead they will hire a few pissed off Irishmen to beat up people who look suspicious.

As for the scene of the shooting, Charlie Brown’s high school will never be the same.

“We are getting rid of sex ed and devil dogs in the vending machines” said the principal.  “Children need boundaries.”


3 Responses

  1. innominatus says:

    The teacher always sounds like wah-wah-wa-wa-wa-wahh. So does Steve Vai’s guitar. Maybe they can get Vai to translate.

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Interesting. Maybe he IS Charlie Brown’s teacher?

  3. Matt says:

    When you think about it, Charlie Brown’s head was so big, a blind pacifist could have hit it with the first shot.

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