Baseball! Baseball! Baseball!

People ask me what I do in winter when there’s no baseball. I’ll tell you what I do. I stare out the window and wait for spring  ~ Rogers  Hornsby

The First Church of Baseball

Six long months after the New York Yankees, representing truth, justice and the American way, won their 27th World Championship, I attended my first game of the year against the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim of Los Angeles of California.  The Yankees unfortunately lost.

The Yankees started Javier “I still suck” Vasquez who lasted 5  1/3 innings, giving up 6 hits and 4 runs while walking two and striking out four.  Not in itself reason to tar and feather him and  run him out of town on a rail while forcing him to listen to William Shatner’s version of Mr. Tambourine Man on his iPod.  Yet.  However, he has been informed that if he doesn’t win his next start David Duchovny will shower with him while talking about sex addiction.

The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim of Los Angeles of California countered with Joel Pineiro. Not only was Pineiro’s sinker a mystery to the Yankees but 54,000 in attendance had to figure out why the Yankee announcer insisted on pronouncing his first name “Joe-ell.” And I’m the Manhattan Infid-ellllllleo.

Down 5 to 1 the Yankees mounted a rally in the 8th.  Nick Johnson singled in a run and Mark “April is the cruelest month” Teixeira picked up an RBI with a groundout.  But that was all they would get.  Final score:  Angels 5 Yankees 3.

Notes on the game:

Nick Johnson injury watch:

10 days into the season Nick Johnson has defied all expectations and not landed on the disabled list.  He hasn’t broken a leg.  He hasn’t had a concussion.  He hasn’t torn any ligaments in his knee while being anally probed by aliens (which, as you no doubt remember, is what ruined Nomar Garciaparra’s career.)

Robinson Cano suicide watch:

Distraught that his BFF Melky Cabrera has been traded to Atlanta, Cano seems to be holding up for the moment.  But he did build a makeshift shrine to Cabrera at 2nd base.  All who reached 2nd had to genuflect in front of the shrine.

I sat for the first time in the 200 level section (60 dollar seats).  Usually I’m in the 400 level (25 dollars) or the bleachers (12 dollars).  I noticed many things about the 200 level. For instance – cup holders on the seats.  Unfortunately I was not wearing a cup so I placed my scrotum in the cup holder.  Needless to say this was a painful and awkward position to hold for nine innings.  But, I guess that’s what one does in the 200 level.  Also everything seemed more civilized.  Even the drunks, hecklers and hookers were genteel.  Or was that gentile? I naturally wanted to fit in so I adjusted my normal heckling.  But my heckle of “I say old chap, your mother enjoys relations with a multitude of men” did not attract the attention of the Angels left fielder.

Yankee manager Joe Girardi, who wore number 27 last year has changed his uniform number to 28 to symbolize the Yankees pursuit of their 28th championship.  That was not the only uniform change.  Derek Jeter changed his number from 2 to 6,245 which I believe symbolizes the number of women he’s slept with since 1996.  Alex Rodriguez changed his number from 13 to “At least once an hour” which represents the number of times he obsesses about Derek Jeter.  Nick Johnson changed his number to “May 5th” which is the date he will suffer his season ending injury.

This is a new year.  Will the Yankees repeat as champions?  Like last year their Achilles’ heel will be their outfield.  And they will miss Johnny Damon.  But they have a good chance if the pitching holds up and Javier Vasquez can avoid showering with David Duchovny.  It’s a new year.  As Derek Jeter said after the game, “Last year is over with.  A lot of guys have left.  We have lots of new guys.  Lots of new groupies.  Wait.  Did I say that?  Can you make sure Minka doesn’t find out about the groupies?  Tiger gave me some tips about getting their numbers off my phone but I’d just as soon not have to shower with David Duchovny.”

Reader mail:

W.J.J.B. of Florida writes, “I want to chew my own cud.” 

What? What?  Are you a lawyer?

M.A. of New York State writes “Is this real life? Is this just fantasy. Caught in a landslide no escape from reality.”

Demerol my son.  Demerol.  The perfect escape from reality.

M.W. (though soon to be M.B.) writes, “Get off the damn sidewalk.  I’m driving here!  I’m driving on the sidewalk damn it!  And I like it.”

M.W., you’re not in California anymore.  You can’t drive on the sidewalk just because you feel like it.  We have laws in this state.

Jimmy the Hat writes “Can I shower with David Duchovny and Derek Jeter?”

I spoke to the Yankees P.R. Department and they assure me that for $5000 you can shower with them.  For $10,000 you can shower with the entire team and for $15,000 Derek will wear a mask, spank you and sing “I’m an old cow hand from the Rio Grande.”

L.K. from the floodplains of New Jersey writes, “I recently shaved my mohawk.  Does this mean I’ve sold out?”

Yes.  There is no hope for you.  Or the bodies buried in your back yard.

Scotty, Chief Engineer for the Starship Enterprise writes, “I can’t change the laws of physics, Captain!”

Try a spitball.

So after my first game my record stands at 0-1.  Last year the Yankees went 13-2 at games I went to.  Will they do as good this year?  My next game is this Saturday against the Texas Rangers.

Go Yankees!



7 Responses

  1. innominatus says:

    skrote joke came from nowhere and made me snort/cackle in a really weird way. kudos.

    My Giants are off to a 7-2 start this year. Which means when they eff it all up sometime in June, it’ll be even more disappointing than usual.

  2. KingShamus says:

    Go Yankees.

    So the over/under on Nick Johnson is May 5th. I’m taking the under.

  3. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Inn: It’s a long season. I always get very suspicious when my team gets off to a fast start. The past couple years the Yankees have played .500 ball and then kicked into gear after Memorial Day. So while I’m not rooting for them to lose I do have presentiments of disaster in the back of my mind.

  4. Manhattan Infidel says:

    What we need to do is keep Nick Johnson in cold storage between games and if possible between innings.

  5. Dragongrrl says:

    Good column, MI. Can I just say MINKA KELLY IS A CANKEROUS WHORE.
    Ahem, I meant GO YANKEES!!!!

  6. Matt says:

    This post has more fun per sentence than anything that I have read. I will avoid the 200 level at any park. Sounds rather uncomfortable. Then again, my last MLB game was at PNC Park in Pittsburgh. The cup holders would garner more attention than the game!

    Scotty should watch the old footage of Phil Niekro throwing a spitter. It had a rainbow behind it!

  7. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Was it Phil Niekro who got caught with the Emory board in his pocket or was it his brother?

Leave a Reply

Using Gravatars in the comments - get your own and be recognized!

XHTML: These are some of the tags you can use: <a href=""> <b> <blockquote> <code> <em> <i> <strike> <strong>