Vatican Forgives the Beatles; However, the Monkees Are Still “Unspeakable Bastards”

The “Unspeakable bastards”The Vatican has ended its 45-year feud with the Beatles.  The feud began when the late John Lennon said that the Beatles were “bigger than Jesus Christ.”

L’Osservatore Romano, the Vatican’s official newspaper, declared that while they still have problems with the Beatles “dissolute and uninhibited lives”  their music is undeniably great.

“Their beautiful melodies, which changed forever pop music and still gives us emotions, lives on like precious jewels” said the newspaper.

While forgiving the Beatles, the Vatican went on to say that The Monkees are still “bastards.”

In  his encyclical letter, “Monkees Bastardius”, an English translation which was provided to Manhattan Infidel, Pope Benedict XVI writes:

I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by the Monkees, starving, hysterical naked

dragging themselves through the negro streets at dawn looking for an angry Herman’s Hermits fix

The Vatican further condemned the Monkees, stating that Mike Nesmith, “when he dies”, will go straight to the fourth circle of Hell.

“Nesmith’s mother invented White Out.  He should have been rich.  Instead he had to play guitar while while Mickey Dolenz and Davey Jones sang.  I mean, come on.  Nesmith was better than both of them” said Tarcisio Bertone, Vatican Secretary of State.

Pope Benedict XVI, who admits to having the Beatles, Nine Inch Nails and the Royal Guardsman, “I love their Snoopy vs. The Red Baron album”  on his iPod will not put the Monkees on his playlist.

“Let whomever puts the Monkees on their iPod be anathema” said the Pope.

From London, ex-Beatle Paul McCartney responded positively to news from the Vatican.

“I’m sure if I wasn’t so stoned I’d appreciate this a lot more.  Was I in the Beatles?”


9 Responses

  1. KingShamus says:

    Meanwhile, Heather Mills is plotting to kill Paul McCartney regadless of pala encyclicals.

  2. KingShamus says:


    I hang my head in shame.

  3. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Heather Mills won’t succeed. She doesn’t have a leg to stand on. Ba-da-bing Ba-da-boom. Thank you people I’m here all week. Remember to tip your waitresses and drive home safely.

  4. innominatus says:

    They’re all a bunch of talentless limey wanker tosspots!

    There! I said it!

    I know it is a blasphemy, and they’ll issue a fatwa against me and I’ll end up dying in a hail of gunfire from a distraught Peter Noone, but I had to get that off my chest.

  5. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Woke up this morning, feeling fine
    There`s something special on my mind
    Last night I met a new girl
    In the neighborhood, whoa yeah

    Something tells me
    I`m into something good
    (Something tells me
    I`m into something)

    She`s the kind of girl
    Who`s not too shy
    And I can tell
    I`m her kind of guy

    She danced close to me
    Like I hoped she would
    (She danced with me
    Like I hoped she would)

    Something tells me
    I`m into something good
    (Something tells me
    I`m into something)

  6. Matt says:

    In the meantime, the Pope had to leave to catch the last train to Clarksville…Uh-oh!

  7. You better tell that Pope that I’m the only Basterd around here. And don’t let me catch him on the last train to Clarksville, Whitey.

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