Don’t Mess With Texas (Unless It’s the Rangers)

“A hot dog at the ballgame beats roast beef at the Ritz”  ~ Humphrey Bogart

The First Church of Baseball

The New York Yankees  (representing truth and decency and justice) played game two of their three game series against the Texas Rangers Saturday,  I was lucky  enough to freeze in the upper deck while watching.

Being Spring the weather was cold, bitter and unpleasant.  Much like Joy Behar.

The Yankees started A.J. Burnett (he of the ever rising patch of hair).  Mr. Burnett pitched 7 inning of shutout ball giving up only  4 hits.

The  Yankees won.  In the bottom of the first Alex Rodriguez singled in America’s friend of the disabled list – Nick  Johnson. In the second inning Jorge “Angry Spanish Man” Posada and Curt “I can hit lefties, honest!” Granderson scored making it  3 – 0 for the forces of decency.

In the 3rd inning, Derek Jeter, no doubt wanting to distance himself from his stalker Alex Rodriguez homered.  Not to be outdone Alex Rodriguez homered in the 4th. As he crossed home plate the words “I love  you Derek” seemed to form on his lips. Being in the 400 level I could not see clearly but I think it was either “I love you Derek” or “My jockstrap is bunched up,  Help me!”

It was 7 – 0 after four innings.  A lead even our bullpen could not give up.  Final score:  Yankees 7 Rangers 3.

Fun things to do at the ballgame:

During a bathroom break, while standing at the urinal,  shout “Release the Kraken!”

During the 7th inning stretch, instead of singing “Take me out to the ballgame” turn to the person sitting next to you and sing “I don’t want anybody else.  When I think about you I touch myself.  Ooooh….Oooooh  I honestly do.” Shoot him if he objects.  (Doesn’t anyone like early ’90’s music anymore?)

Notes on the game:

It was calendar day at the ballpark and all fans got a 2010 Yankee calendar filled with reminders of precious Yankee moments.  Here are a few:

  • May 15th, 1922:  Babe Ruth contracts venereal disease for the first time.
  • June 20th, 1957:  An obviously hung over Mickey Mantle throws up on little league players.  Says Mickey afterwords:  “I’m sorry kids.  I guess the hooker I was with last night gave me something. I  mean my balls are on fire!”
  • August 2nd, 1996:  Kevin Maas sets a Major League record by striking out six times despite being out of the game for two years.  Says Maas, “Prostitutes don’t go for investment bankers like they do ballplayers.”

After every inning the NYPD ran out onto the field. They were obviously scanning the crowd for terrorists.  Okay.  They  were scanning the crowd for donuts.  They found one kid eating a donut.  They wrestled him to the ground, hit him over the head and grabbed the donut from him mouth and ate it themselves while screaming “Donuts are not for civilians!”

Every time Texas Shortstop Elvis Andrus came to bat I would shout “Elvis is dead!”  This did not go over well with the 75 year old man in the white jumpsuit sitting next to me. He kept saying “We can’t go on together with suspicious minds” and “Viva Las Vegas!”

Nick Johnson injury watch:

Nick was tragically blinded in the locker room before the game after accidentally seeing a nude Derek Jeter in his full effulgence.  Fortunately this will not effect his ability to reach first base as most MLB umpires are blind as well.  Those who aren’t have no idea where the strike zone is anyway so Johnson still stands a 50/50 chance of walking.

Reader mail:

W.J.J.B. of Florida writes, “My god, where did all this blood come from?”

W.J.J.B., what did I tell you about “safe words”?  It’s not just a recommendation.  If you use safe words each  partner knows when the other’s limits have been reached. Now you’re screwed. Those CSI people will show up at your place with their blue spectral thingies and search for biologicals.  The next thing you know you’ll be sharing a jail cell with Phil Spector or D.C. from the AHS class of ’81.

D.B. of Philadelphia writes “Phillies forever!  Yankees never!

D.B.’s so bitter.  Probably works for an accounting firm.

M.O. of New Jersey writes, “While hobnobbing with celebrities I often ask myself what do the simple folk do to help them escape when they’re blue?”

I think they sit around and wonder what royal folk must do.  And that’s what simple folk do.

J.B. of Chicago writes, “I do not care about baseball.  The game does not matter to me.  Stop sending me emails about the Yankees.”

Obviously a Cubs fan in denial.

M.W. (though soon to be M.B.) writes “Recently I was shot by the NYPD after driving on the sidewalk.  Can I sue?”

As long as you didn’t have donuts on you I think you can.

Rick the Stick writes, “Can I shower nude with Derek Jeter?”

No.  That is Nick Johnson’s job.

Recommended reading material:

Fathers on the Frontier:  French Missionaries and the Roman Catholic Priesthood in the United States, 1789-1870 by Michael Pasquier.

And that’s that.  After two games I am 1 -1.  My next game is Saturday May 1st against the Chicago White Sox.

Go Yankees!



5 Responses

  1. You are obviously addicted to winning. You’d better be careful or you’ll wake up one day and realize your a Mets fan, a fate worse than death.

    Seriously though, great post. Had me in stiches all the way through. And I only had a hangnail.

    BTW: When I finally get around to getting up there to the new stadium for a game, I’ll have to look you up. Just promise me one thing: You won’t stand next to me at the urinal and shout “Release the Kraken!” I mean that doesn’t even sound New Yawkish. I’d go for “Release the Hounds!” if you don’t want to sound like a tourist.

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Root for the Mets? That’s just wrong wrong wrong! I’d be honored to have a fellow blogger look me up.

    Release the F&$*(&G Kraken!!

  3. W.J.J.B says:

    Mr. Infidel, you are sage and wise. Perhaps you can explain this sudden plague of Boston Red Sox fans who are so impressed by the fact that in 312 seasons they have won as many championships as the Marlins.

  4. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Boston is well known as a plague upon civilized society. There are many Boston Red Sox fans in New York unfortunately. A pox upon them.

    And keep using those safe words. My safe word is “Watusi.”

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