Survey Finds Majority of Solar System Do Not Celebrate Earth Day

The Earth - It’s just not that important to the rest of the UniverseThroughout the World on the 40th Earth Day concerned citizens rode bikes, planted trees and found ways to reduce their carbon footprint.  But in the rest of the Universe it seems little attention is paid to Earth Day.  In fact it appears that the Earth is downright unpopular.

From his vacation villa, Marvin the Martian commented on Earth Day.

“Celebrate it?  Celebrate it?  Why?  Do Earthers celebrate Mars Day?  You people are so hypocritical.  You’re consumed with reducing your carbon footprint yet you send your garbage up to my planet?  Yeah, I’m talking about your damn Rover and the rest of your crap. They run around this planet bumping into things and taking samples from rocks.  I’m not celebrating your freaking day.  In fact I think I’ll destroy Earth.  It blocks my view of Venus.”

Throughout the Universe the story is the same:  No sympathy for Earth.

From Plutu, Gamamelian VIII,  High Ruler of the Plutonium Empire, Divine Head of the State Religion and Four Time Intergalactic Bowling Champion refused to send emissaries to Earth.

“I don’t want to have anything to do with that place.  They downgraded us!  We are no longer a planet to them.  They disrespected us!”

On Venus a petition was circulated calling for sanctions against Earth.  One citizen commented, “Earth thinks it’s so special.  ‘Oh look at us.  We’re pretty and blue.  We have carbon.  We have water.  We have Taylor Swift.’  We’re sick of your arrogance.”

From Jupiter came protestations of hurt.

“We used to love Earth.  It was like our little brother.  Bu then they started sending space probes right past us without even stopping to say hello.  You know us gas giants have feelings too!  Whoa…..excuse me.  I’m feeling stopped up.”

Mercury refuses even to speak to Earth.

“They talk about global warming and I’m sitting here frying my butt off closest to the Sun.  Bunch of whiners Earth is.  I hope they get hit by an asteroid.”

But it seems Earth is not entirely without friends.  Neptune has a long history with our planet.  Neptune’s ruler said “Hey, we blue planets have to stick together right? We entirely blue here. That’s why I sent an ambassador.  I just wish you people would stop asking him if he’s a Na’vi.  It was cute at first but the novelty has worn off.”

As for me, the Manhattan Infidel, as a loyal citizen of the World I did my part to celebrate Earth Day.  The first thing I did was go to Central Park and chop down as many trees as I could.  (I needed more space for my “Save the Planet” rally.) After that I flew on a private jet to Hollywood, rented an SUV and mowed down Leonardo DiCaprio on his bicycle. (Look, the kid has to learn to obey traffic laws!)

Happy Earth Day!  Just stay out of Pluto’s way.  I think he’s pissed.


4 Responses

  1. Matt says:

    This raises some interesting possibilities. Maybe we can deport all the greenies to Pluto, so they’ll never have to worry about AGW. Also, the resultant bloodletting might appease Pluto.

    As for me, I celebrated by starting a tire fire, and clubbing some baby seals. Good fun!

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Good work with the seals. Their blubber is an important source of fuel. I say club them all and lessen our dependence on foreign oil.

  3. Those damned Earthers are just so full of themselves.

  4. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Well we do have Taylor Swift.

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