In my post for April 15th I wrote that Nick Johnson had changed his uniform number to “May 5” to honor the date he is placed on the disabled list:
Well baseball fans, I was off by three days. Today May 8th the Yankees placed Nick Johnson on the DL. And let it never be said that the Manhattan Infidel is nothing if not prescient.
Johnny Damon our Yankee Nation turns its lonely eyes to you.
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Since the arrest of Faisal Shahzad for the attempted car bombing in Times Square speculation has turned to his possible motives.
On The View Thursday morning Joy Behar talked about her disbelief that Shahzad could be a bomber.
“Look at him. He’s so handsome. How can a handsome man be a bomber? I bet he was angry over something Rush Limbaugh said. I bet he’s embarrassed at Sara Palin’s stupidity.”
From all accounts it appears that Shahzad was a model immigrant who had no problems assimilating into mainstream America. He married a beautiful American-born woman, got a college degree and bought a home. But then things turned bad for him. His home went into foreclosure. He lost his job. He separated from his family. Neighbors mentioned “quirky habits” such as jogging at night while wearing explosives strapped to his chest.
“I said good morning to him once and he responded ‘Die Infidel dog!’ But I didn’t think anything of it. He was quiet and kept to himself” said one neighbor.
Another neighbor states that they used to exchange recipes.
“I gave him my special recipe for fudge that’s been in the family for generations. He told me how how to use an alarm clock to set off a car bomb. But I didn’t think anything of it. He seemed so nice.”
Experts brought in by Homeland Security have focused on possible economic motives for the attempted bombing.
“He seems to have been singularly oppressed in America. He lost a job. He was not getting rich. But what seems to have really set him off is when his house was foreclosed. Obviously he was angry at Democrats for their perceived role in causing the housing meltdown.”
New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg speculates that Shahzad had a political motive.
“My guess is that he is a teabagger and angry about the health care bill.”
Those interrogating Shahzad mention that he visited Pakistan for a couple months to gain expert knowledge on “how to kill the infidel.”
“At this point we believe that infidel is some sort of code word. Possibly short for infidelity. In which case it makes sense that he was angry at Democrats for what he sees as their perceived infidelity to the core values of our Constitution. A perception that intelligent people know is wrong.”
No matter what Shahzad’s true motives may have been, New York was very lucky that the bomb did not ignite.
“I just hope Republicans don’t use this as an excuse to go after people of color. I’m really worried about a possible backlash” said Mayor Bloomberg.
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If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there are men on base. ~Dave Barry
Today I went to Yankee Stadium to see the Yankees play a matinee against the Baltimore Orioles. And if you can’t spend a beautiful spring day with Olivia Wilde 
the ballpark will do. Fortunately for me, Javier Vasquez was not the scheduled starter so there was a good chance of victory.
Andy Pettitte (4-0) started for the Yankees and pitched five strong innings, allowing six hits and one run while striking out two, lowering his ERA to 2.08. Unfortunately for the Yankees, since Pettitte is 62 years old he had to leave the game after the fifth inning with stiffness in his elbow and back. Hopefully he won’t miss a start.
The Yankees scored first when Nick Johnson of the .171 average and bad pornstache homered to deep right. The Yankees play music when each person is announced to bat. The music played is what the players request. Johnson plays Miley Cyrus. He claims he does this for his daughter. Yes. Of course. That is the reason. And I was caught in an alley with a prostitute because I was ministering to the outcasts of society.
Nick Swisher homered in the second. AROD drove in Jeter in the third and the Yankees scored three times in the fourth. 6 – 1 after five when Pettitte left. Victory seemed secure. Then our bullpen came in. Ty Wigginton, Matt Weiters and Nolan Reimold homered for Baltimore in the eighth and ninth as Baltimore scored four times off of five Yankee relievers. Final score: Yankees 7 Baltimore 5.
Nick Johnson injury watch:
Nick was captured by the Borg before the game and assimilated into the Collective. Fortunately the clubhouse attendants for the Yankees were able to retrofit a batting helmet to fit over the Borg implants.
Notes on the game:
At one point before the game I found myself leaning on a stainless steel table behind the home plate area. I was immediately surrounded by Yankee Stadium security who sensed a disturbance in the force.
“Sir. You can’t lean here. This area is reserved!”
Damn my gauche elbows. Well, they do look poor.
Today was Cinco de Mayo. There was a special on Latin food at Yankee Stadium. To ensure ethnic authenticity all Latin food came with a switchblade. What? What do you mean I can’t say that? People are so sensitive nowadays.
In the Yankee team store they sell “game-used equipment.” I wanted to buy some game-used equipment. But Jeter’s jersey was $1,000. Home plate was $2,000. I don’t have that kind of money so I bought a Ramiro Pena game-used unwashed jockstrap for $11.25. It was either that or Billy Martin’s liver preserved in a pickle jar for $25.00
Reader mail:
L.K. of New Jersey writes, “That videotape that purports to show me stabbing my neighbor to death? It’s fake. Really. Honestly.”
D.B. of Philadelphia writes, “Damn you Manhattan Infidel for disparaging my great city. If it weren’t for my ankle monitoring bracelet and the fact that leaving the state violates my parole I’d travel to NYC and admonish you.”
Olivia Wilde writes, “What part of restraining order don’t you understand?”
Megan Fox writes, “What part of restraining order don’t you understand?”
Jessica Rabbit writes, “I’m not bad. I’m just drawn that way. And what part of a restraining order don’t you understand?”
Frau Blucher writes, “Stay close to the candles. The stairway can be……treacherous”
Recommended reading material:
The History of the Federal Reserve, Volume 1, 1913-1951. (I bought it only for the pictures of the naked girls.)
So this year my record stands at 2-2. My next game is Monday May 17th against the abomination of desolation known as the Boston Red Sox. And what does Boston do readers? That’s right. Bahstahn sawks cack.
Go Yankees!
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During the Eighth inning of a game between the Philadelphia Phillies and the St. Louis Cardinals, a 17-year old fan ran out onto the field at Citizen’s Bank Ballpark. He was immediately tasered by quick thinking Philadelphia police. In the aftermath television shows and talk radio were discussing whether the force was justified or excessive.
Many fans clearly feel the use of a taser was excessive.
“Dude I haven’t seen such violence and rage at a baseball game since the last time Alfonso Soriano struck out” said one caller.
In Seattle interim Police Chief John Diaz told reporters that tasering the fan was not something his officers would have done.
“We probably would just put a cup of Starbucks coffee in his hand and pointed him in the direction of some anarchists. Believe me he would have gotten the message.”
From the offices of Major League Baseball, Commissioner Bud Selig issued a statement that said:
We regret the unfortunate incident at last night’s game. However fans should not run out onto the field. This non-millionaire, I mean this fan, might have actually gotten close to one of our players. If that had happened the social order of society would be destroyed. Chaos would reign. Pestilence and famine would follow. Who knows, the Earth might leave its orbit. The Sun might go supernova. The Cubs might win a championship. The Philadelphia police were just looking out for the interests of everybody.
From Philadelphia Police Commissioner Charles Ramsey said that the use of force was justified.
This is the big city. We have lots of trouble with undesirable types like Mexicans and Dallas Cowboys fans. It’s important that our officers stay alert and that they use their training as often as possible. Besides, the officer who tasered the fan might have thought he (the fan) was Santa Claus. Outworlders (those not from Philly) won’t understand but to us, Santa is the Devil, the Antichrist the last guy to play drums in Wings all rolled into one.
A visit to the Philadelphia Police Academy to watch officers being trained offered valuable insight into the situation. Officers shoot at targets dressed as Santa.
A two-week intensive “Know your Enemy – It is Santa” training course offers cadets valuable opportunities to hone their Santa beatdown skills. Skills that will come in handy in the real world.
As a cardboard cutout of Santa was brought into a room full of cadets a tape loop of Santa proclaming “Ho! Ho! Ho!” was played. Cadets tensed, and grabbed their batons.
“Take him out boys” said the instructor. “The Fat one’s going down!”
As for the fan who ran out onto the field he says he may do it again.
“But I’m not going to wear red. No wonder they tasered me. I looked like Santa out there.”
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The NYPD, Homeland Security and the FBI have announced that the suspect in Saturday evening’s foiled Times Square car bombing is a “balding white male in his mid ’40s” prompting an intensive coast to coast search for former teen idol Leif Garrett.
“Right now all evidence points to Garrett, who I believe used to be famous in the ’70s” said NYPD Chief Ray Kelly. As to why Garrett is the suspect Kelly said “We are looking for a balding man. David Lee Roth is too old and Bing Crosby is dead.”
Because the car was parked outside the headquarters of Viacom, owners of South Park, rumors abounded that it was a failed strike by Muslims. Chief Kelly denied this.
“Any speculation like that is pure racism. It’s the white man. It’s always the white man.”
Chief Kelly then had himself arrested.
From his seedy, one-bedroom apartment in a run-down section of Los Angeles, Garrett denied any responsibility for the bomb attempt.
“Come on! Leave me alone will you. I had nothing to do with it. I just want to pay my rent and eat my KFC double down.”
Reporters and police who questioned Garrett all noticed that “he seemed to be a very angry white man.”
Garrett, who was out of control and close to losing it, repeatedly berated press who contacted him.
“You’re tramping mud all over my apartment. Guys my vacuum cleaner isn’t working. Will you be careful! Please!”
The LA Times ran a front page headline, “Garrett’s Very Angry Descent into Madness and Car Bombing”:
Former teen idol and hearthrob Leif Garrett, today is a stereotypical angry white male. His millions vanished. The adoring girls gone he now bides his time in a cheap apartment with bomb making materials. It is worth noting that during this reporter’s visit he continually tried to pick up mud off the floor. Why? Possibly for bomb making material.
VH1 has announced that is is working on a special, “Leif Garrett: White, Angry and Car Bomber” to be aired in June.
Despite the attention focused on him Garrett continues to deny any responsibility for the car bombing.
“Seriously will you guys leave me alone. Why don’t you investigate David Cassidy? I just want to work again. Can I borrow your phone? I have to contact my agent and my phone was cut off. “
In a related note, it has been announced that David Cassidy has been signed to play Leif Garrett in a new movie based on his life as an angry white car bomber.
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“Why are you downcast my soul? Why do you sigh within me” – Psalm 42
I’ll tell you why my soul is downcast. Saturday I went to Yankee Stadium and was greeted by the horrifying spectacle of Javier Vasquez taking the pitcher’s mound. I suppose those stationed in Pearl Harbor on board the Arizona must have had the same feeling when they saw the first wave of Japanese bombers: “Well, this is certainly going to suck.”
And suck it did. Vasquez seems to have caught the Ed Whitson/Kenny Rogers/Kevin Brown disease and has lost the ability to pitch. In New York anyway. Vasquez pitched 3 plus innings giving up five runs and seven hits. (Three of those were home runs. Two by Andruw “I spell my name differently to get street cred” Jones.) Mark Kotsay hit the third home run and by the fourth inning it was 5-1 Chicago. Vasquez could not get an out in the fourth and was booed off the mound. Sergio Mitre was brought in to stop the bleeding and pitched three no hit innings.
The Yankees actually rallied and went ahead 6-5 on Nick Swisher’s two run home run. But the lead, like my hairline, soon vanished and the Yankees lost 7-6. David Robertson took the loss for the Yankees, bringing his season ERA up to 12.71. There is no truth to the rumor that Robertson gets paid extra if his ERA matches the interest rate on his credit cards. The Yankees also lost Curtis Granderson who left the game with a strained groin. This explains why he doubled over on 3rd base screaming “Ow, my balls!”
Notes on the game:
Though it was only the first of May the temperature peaked at 90 degrees. During the seventh inning stretch noted climate scientist Al Gore brought a polar bear out to the infield and shot it between the eyes. I think he was trying to demonstrate the danger humans face from rising sea levels.
*************** Breaking News ****************
Former Vice President Al Gore has entered rehab seeking treatment to end his addiction to shooting polar bears between the eyes. Said Gore, “I just love shooting them. I love the feeling of power I get from watching them die. I love watching the blood run out of the wound in their head. I realize now that this is wrong and I hope with treatment to end my terrible addiction.”
*************** End of Breaking News **************
Nick Johnson injury watch:
Before the game in the clubhouse Nick was electrocuted in a freak accident involving a hair dryer and the tears of a clown. Quick thinking Yankee trainers immediately packed the corpse in ice. With the rapid advancements in medical technology Manager Joe Girardi hopes to have Johnson reanimated in time for the mid week series against Baltimore.
This was my first game of the year in my accustomed 12 dollar bleacher seats. My first game was in the 60 dollar seats and the second in the 25 dollar seats. There is an interesting difference in how Yankee Stadium personnel treat those in the cheap seats. For example, when I was in the bathroom washing my hands the attendant kicked me in the groin and shouted in English and Spanish “You are poor!”
That usually doesn’t happen in the 200 level seats.
Reader mail:
W.J.J.B. of Florida writes, “Recently while in court with a client I asked the judge for a 20 minute recess so I could practice the guitar solo from ‘While My Guitar Gently Weeps.’ He said no. Was he being unreasonable?” W.J.J.B. – The answer is yes. Our Declaration of Independence gives us the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. I say the next time the judge says no, crank up “Well, Well, Well” on your iPod. Teach him a lesson!
S.S. of New York writes, “Do you think I have a chance with Joe Paterno? I think he’s so sexy.”
I’ve heard about your older man fetish. But really, couldn’t you go for a man who’s still in his 70s? Larry King perhaps?
Jimmy the Hat writes, “Do you like gladiator movies? Ever seen a grown man naked?”
You’re not a Joe Paterno fan are you?
M.W. (though soon to be M.B.) of New York writes, “I too like to shoot polar bears in the head. I did it all the time in California.”
You see! You see what happens to people when they live in California?
Ro of Los Angeles writes, “I have never shot a polar bear. Though I have killed a few birds outside my window. Will I need a larger gun to kill polar bears?”
California. Is it too late to give it back to Mexico?
D.B. of Philadelphia writes, “I love my Phillies and Philadelphia is the greatest city in the world…..oh god snakes. Get them off me! Get them off me! Underwear. Lint in navel. Naked. I pooped myself.”
Obviously D.B. is into free form poetry.
Cyril of Jerusalem writes, “Sin is brief and lasts but a little while; the shame of sin lasts a long time, forever.”
Obviously Cyril is referring to those poor unfortunates who root for the Red Sox. They are beasts who have given themselves up to perdition.
Recommended reading material:
How the Beatles Destroyed Rock and Roll: An Alternative History of American Popular Music by Elijah Wald
So this year my record stands at a disturbing 1-2. This is already the number of losses I had in the entire 2009 season. Hopefully Javier Vasquez will be kidnapped by midgets and sold to aliens. This might help my record.
My next game is Wednesday May 5th against the Baltimore Orioles. Yeah, Baltimore sucks but you have to give them credit. They try. It’s like when Pat Boone released that heavy metal album. It sucked but he’s trying.
Go Yankees!
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It only took 15 months, but Manhattan Infidel has moved into position as the 1,345,824th most popular blog in America, beating out stiff competition from the Pictures of Duct Tape blog.
The American Institute of Blog Rankings announced the findings today at their annual dinner.
When reached for comment, the blogger known as Manhattan Infidel said “How did you call me? Seriously. How did you call me? My phone was disconnected weeks ago” before asking reporters if they “happened to have any dry pants? I’ve soiled all mine and I used the quarters I was saving for laundry at the peep show.”
Manhattan Infidel has a colorful history. When launched in February 2009 the blog was listed at 7,633,581st on the list of popular blogs, behind “Up Close Photos of Herpes Sores”, “The Wisdom of Rosie O’Donnell” and “Up Close Photos of Rosie O’Donnell’s Herpes Sores.”
Soon however the blog started its climb to the top. In June a milestone was reached as Manhattan Infidel passed “MSNBC Programming Highlights” to reach no. 4,000,001 on the list, barely missing an opportunity to knock off the popular “My Cat Does Funny Things” from the 4,000,000 position.
And there things stood until recently. Manhattan Infidel was unable to dislodge My Cat Does Funny Things.
“I blame the photos of cats chasing string. Who can resist that” said the Manhattan Infidel.
Fully aware the he needed a new strategy if he was to move up in the blogger universe, Manhattan Infidel consulted Charlie Robertson, an unemployed software technician from Troy, New York, who has been credited with created the first “web log” using his AOL account back in 1993.
“Charlie gave me valuable advice.”
Charlie’s advice? Always give the public what they want. And if that doesn’t work, give them Duct tape.
“So I started writing about Duct tape, its various uses and how you should always keep Duct tape in your back pocket like MacGyver” said the Manhattan Infidel.
It was then that Manhattan Infidel took off, rapidly leapfrogging such popular blogs as “Cures for Toenail Fungus”, “Internal Plumbing During the Third Reich” and “New York Mets Highlights From the 2009 Season.”
Now that Manhattan Infidel has passed Pictures of Duct Tape, he was asked if his plans for his blog will change.
“Obviously there is no point in writing about Duct tape anymore since I’ve vanquished them. So I intend to spend the next year writing about the history of Band-Aid.”
For those who are interested, the “Pictures of Band-Aids” blog is currently ranked at number 2,374 behind the surprising popular “My Sexual Encounter with Larry King” blog and “The Microsoft Vista Operating Manual as Interpreted by Mimes.”
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Despite winning the game and taking a 3-2 lead in the World Series against arch-rival the Brooklyn Dodgers, Yankee manager Casey Stengel faces criticism for removing Don Larsen. Larsen, who had been pitching a perfect game, was removed after 6 2/3 innings in favor of a relief pitcher.
Bombarded with reporters after the game, Stengel shrugged and said, “Look, Larsen’s pitch count was getting pretty high. And we have 13 relief pitchers on the post season roster. They’re here for a reason. I intend to use them.”
When asked if he could have pitched into the 9th, Larsen told reporters, “Of course I could have. C’mon. I was feeling good. What was the purpose of taking me out of the game?” Larsen then called Stengel an “old white guy who time has passed by.”
Home plate umpire Babe Pinelli also criticized Stengel’s move.
“Taking him out only slows the game down. At that point the game was already an hour and 40 minutes long and we were still in the 7th inning. That’s way too long for a baseball game. If this (removing pitchers) keeps up, games might go over 2 hours. And nobody wants that.”
Indeed the game clocked in at a disgraceful two hours and six minutes, causing many in the stands to grow restless and leave.
Despite the criticism, Stengel stands behind his decision.
“It was time to take Larsen out. Pee Wee Reese was up for Brooklyn. Stats show that he bats .295 against right-handed pitchers in the 7th inning when it’s 75 degrees outside. He only bats .282 against left-handed pitchers in the 7th inning when it’s 75 degrees. Stats don’t lie.”
Stengel’s reliance on stats, dubbed “Casey Ball” by reporters is destroying the game according to Brooklyn manager Walter Alston.
“If this keeps up soon we’ll be playing games indoors or in Canada” he said to laughs of disbelief.
Stengel left the clubhouse early to meet with Commissioner Ford Frick to discuss his plan to install “artificial turf” on baseball fields. “I call it ‘astro-turf’ “ said Stengel.
As for Larsen, he has been fined $300 dollars for his remarks regarding Stengel.
“Where am I going to get $300 dollars? I don’t have $300 dollars. I’m a baseball player. I don’t even make that much a week” said a distraught Larsen.
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President Obama today announced a 800 billion dollar Federal program to oversee the United States’ transition to more environmentally friendly and socially conscious sexual activity.
“All over the United States, people are engaging in male-centered expressions of bodily regeneration. People are using positions that enforce a mindset of submissiveness to the male-centered social order. This must stop. I have been given a mandate, er, I’m sorry, a persondate by the American people to change society. I intend to do this” declared President Obama.
Under the newly-created Socially Conscious and Environmentally Friendly Reproductive Act sex positions that the Government deems to be counterproductive to progressive values will be banned. Among those positions will be fellatio.
“I realize many men like this. But it must stop. It is nonempowering for the female, who is forced to perform this while on her knees. Obviously this is not a position of equality.”
Under the terms of the Act, before sexual relations commence, a series of consensual verbal declarations will have to be said. If these are not said, the sexual act will be deemed “invalid” by the Government and subject to fine.
The verbal declarations will take this form:
Male: Hello woman who is my equal. I am pleased to engage in egalitarian sex with you that does not include fellatio
Female: Hello male who is my equal and no longer my master. I too am pleased to engage in sex acts of equality that do not include fellatio.
Male: Then let us proceed forthwith.
Female: Do you care about my orgasm?
Male: Yes. Let us proceed forthwith.
Note: The male has the option of saying no at this point. However if he says no the sex act cannot legally proceed. It is not expected many men will utilize this choice.
After the sex act has been consummated partners will say the following:
Male: Go in peace my partner in equality.
Female: The sex act has ended without fellatio. Let us go forth and be conscious of our impact on the environment.
The new form of sex has been used on an experimental basis in selected districts and the feedback has been “overwhelmingly positive.” The only negative reactions have been from men.
Enforcing the new Act will entail placing surveillance devices in all households in the United States. The Federal Government will begin installing the devices after the new fiscal year begins.
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New York City’s carriage horses, popular with tourists, have called off their strike after winning significant concessions.
“This is a victory for working horses everywhere” said the leader of the horse strike, who goes by the name of Traveler. “No longer will the man get rich upon the backs of tired, oppressed horses. And I mean that literally.”
Under the Pact the International Horsehood of Teamsters will now be recognized by the City.
Mayor Bloomberg told reporters that given the City’s financial condition he would have preferred not to recognize the union but he didn’t have a choice.
“The horses are ruthless negotiators. They kept crapping on my front lawn. All day and night. The stench got to me I guess. Well, it could be worse. At least they weren’t smoking.”
Also conceded are living conditions for the carriage horses. All horses now will have larger stalls to go home to after work. One horse said that it was about time.
“It’s all about horse dignity. When I get home from work and remove my manure-catching device I want to be able to stretch out and watch some basic cable. We did win basic cable right?”
When informed that basic cable was not part of the package the horse pulled out a switchblade and said “Whitey is going to pay for this.”
Horses will also now get five weeks vacation a year.
“I’ve already bought my plane ticket” said Traveler. “I know a hot Cuban girl in Miami I’m going to hook up with. What? Can’t your petty bourgeois mind accept the reality of interspecies love?”
The new vacation package seems to be the most popular part of the new collective bargaining agreement, beating out the dental package and the mandatory clean manure-catching device provisions. Most horses already have specific plans for their five weeks vacation. One said that he’s “always wanted to crap in all 50 states.” Another plans to visit a glue factory and pay silent respects to fallen loved ones.
Mayor Bloomberg said he hopes that the new agreement will usher in a “new era of peace in human/horse relationships.”
The pact will expire in 2015.
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