BP engineers, discouraged by their failure to end the leak in the Gulf of Mexico have resorted to a new, desperate tactic that they feel is “most promising.”

Beginning today BP engineers will lower dozens of 52 inch flat screen TVs to the ocean floor.  Those TVs will broadcast World Cup soccer in hopes of putting the oil leak to sleep.

“This has never been tried before but in theory it has an excellent chance of succeeding” said an executive who spoke on condition of anonymity because he is not authorized to speak on behalf of BP and he is a Methodist.

The idea of using soccer first occurred last week during a home invasion at the house of a BP executive.

“I was sitting at home when some burglars broke into my house.  They had guns and were threatening to beat me.  I happened to have the World Cup on TV.  They noticed and immediately fell to the floor unconscious.”

Word of the disabling effect of soccer spread rapidly.  Aware of the potential use of this BP set up an experimental test site where soccer, and only soccer, was shown on large screen TVs.

“The tests were more successful than we had hoped.  Soccer put everybody to sleep.  We brought in drunk college kids and grizzly bears who hadn’t eaten in days and put them together.  The bears started attacking and eating the college kids.  We then turned the TVs on.  After a few moments the bears noticed the soccer match and became drowsy.  Within minutes they were asleep” said an executive who spoke on condition of anonymity because he is not authorized to speak on behalf of BP and he is a cat.

“Our preliminary results show that soccer can put more people to sleep than a Margaret Cho comedy show” said an executive who spoke on condition of anonymity because he was not authorized to speak on behalf of BP and he is a shoe.

The only worry that BP has is the cultural orientation of the oil spill.

“It is the Gulf of Mexico.  If the oil spill is American the soccer will work.  If it is culturally Mexican then it won’t work” said an executive who spoke on condition of anonymity because he is not authorized to speak on behalf of BP and he is a gazebo.

The Gulf oil spill could not be reached for comment.

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Speaking today at length about the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, President Obama compared it to 9/11 and said that “it will shape how we think for years.”

“This oil spill, the fault of the previous administration’s environmental policies, will sear the American consciousness.  It will effect how we think about oil, it will effect how we think about the car we drive and how high our home thermostats are” said the President before joining Paul McCartney in a rousing rendition of Hey Jude.

From Hell, where his is spending Eternity, “It’s a lot like Saudi Arabia but without the oil” Mohammad Atta disagreed with President Obama’s assessment.

Look, 9/11 was a coordinated attack on the heart of America’s financial system.  It took years of planning and was very hard to pull off – like the toupee Bill Shatner wore on T.J. Hooker.  The spill in the Gulf was an accident.  Only 11 died.  How many did we kill?  Thousands.  Don’t get me wrong.  I still support President Obama.  I voted for him myself. (I am still technically a resident of Chicago.) But in this case he’s wrong.

As Atta stared wistfully at his “Change We Can Believe In” poster of then-candidate Obama, he talked about his life in Hell.

If this is Paradise I’ve been misinformed.  This place is dark and I don’t even have my own room.  I have to share it with Judas and some guy who calls himself “The Great Satan.”  He doesn’t even  look like George Bush.  Where are my 72 virgins?  I asked one of the bellhops – you know that thing that keeps flying over me.  Do you know what he said?  He said, “The only virgin here is your ass.”  Then he did shameful things to me.  Things that should only be done to the 13 year old boys I used to have.  I mean, c’mon.  I’ve have more fun in Qatar drinking in bars with executives from PriceWaterhouse Coopers.

He then gave details on a typical day for him.

I’m up at 6 AM.  Then I spend the morning in boiling tar.  Then at Noon they take me out and do shameful things to me for a couple hours.  At 3 we have a 15-minute tea break and then it’s back in the boiling tar.  This is not what I signed up for.  When I agreed to kill the crusaders I was promised Earthly Paradise and virgins.  If I ever see Allah I’m going to discuss this with him. This was not in the brochure!

Atta was asked if there was ever a break in his routine.

Occasionally we get Hollywood stars down here.  Sean Penn dropped by once.  He was raising money for Hurricane Katrina relief. We talked about soccer and our mutual hatred of reporters. He wished me well and actually gave me his autograph.  Nice fella.  Hey, it’s almost time for me to back to the boiling tar but how is Egypt doing in the World Cup?  What?  What do you mean they didn’t make the Cup?  That makes me angry enough to fly a plane into a building!

From the White House President Obama apologized for Egypt not making the World Cup.

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In part three of my continuing series that I have dedicated to my readers on how to improve their lives, I move onto the subject of responsible parenthood.

As many parents know, at some point your child will ask to play catch with you.  Do not immediately grab your glove.  This may be a trap.  Your child may be probing you for weaknesses.  And once he finds it he will use it to get money from you for ice cream or movies.

Instead I recommend looking your son in the eye and, very earnestly, saying something along the lines of:

You want to have a game of catch?  Why?  You suck son.  And no amount of practice will make you better.  I was looking forward in my retirement years to living off the income you’d make as a professional athlete.  But instead I’ll be eating dog food.  You’ve failed me son.

Now keep in mind that your child may begin crying.  Do not feel bad.  Remember it’s not your fault.  It’s just a ruthless tactic kids use to get money for ice cream or movies.  When your son finishes crying take him to a tattoo parlor and have “Failure” written on his shoulder.  Think of it as a father/son bonding session.

Sooner or later your child will ask you about the opposite sex.  There is only one proper response:

Son, God created women because wars, pestilence and famine weren’t making men miserable enough.  Now here’s a couple hundred dollars.  Go find yourself a hooker.  And son, always wear a condom because frankly I don’t know where you’ve been.

He may counter with “But I think I love this girl Dad.”   You have only one option at this point.  Grab a dictionary and ask your son to look up the word “alimony.”  Have him read the meaning out loud.  When he is finished say “That’s right son.  It’s not all shits, giggles and pixie farts.”

As your child gets older he may have questions about the universe, the meaning of life and the existence of a divine being.  If you are asked this, have your son open the refrigerator and ask him what’s inside.  He will probably respond with “There’s nothing in here but beer.”

This is what’s called a “teachable moment.”  You are to say, “That’s right son.  Beer is my God.  Now grab a few and help me worship.”

And there you have it.  My guide to responsible parenthood.  Remember, the character of future generations rests in your hands, dear reader.

Note:  I am legally obligated to say that my advice may be illegal in a few localities.

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Speaking to reporters today, the Creature from the Black Lagoon confirmed rumors that he has been contacted by BP in its continuing efforts to plug the oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico.

“Yeah, they contacted me.  I’m glad to help.  I live on this planet too” the Creature said.  “I have experience in deep water that could come in very handy.”

When asked if he was worried about being injured he responded, “I swim in my own feces.  Do you think I’m worried about a little oil?”

Working closely with BP engineers, the Creature will swim down to the source of the leak and in a procedure known as “Operation kill two birds with one stone”, plug the hole with all known prints of the Sex and the City II movie.

Said a BP engineer, “We could not helplessly stand by anymore and watch the damage it is causing.  What?  Oh, yeah, and the oil leak is pretty bad too.”

In the course of the wide-ranging interview with reporters, the Creature from the Black Lagoon, “Hello, that’s Lagoon of Color” said an indignant Creature, talked about his old days in Hollywood, “Clint Eastwood was a prissy bitch” to his life after his movie career ended.

I was thrilled that Hollywood wanted to do a movie on my life and that I would get a chance to play myself.  Those were heady times. I was riding high….money to burn….appearances on the Ed Sullivan Show…..dates with Natalie Wood……my own private jet.   You could say I got a little carried away.  Then after two sequels my contract was not renewed.  I was devastated.  My so-called friends in Hollywood stopped taking my calls.  Natalie Wood left me.  Broke my heart really.

After his Hollywood days the Creature was reduced to opening for Jerry Lee Lewis and cut a few country songs, most notably “You’re a Little Bit Country and I’m a Genetic Freak” which was a minor hit.  But still Hollywood success alluded him.

“My last acting gig was on the History Channel playing a Neanderthal.  I was a bit insulted since I am part Cro-magnon but a paycheck is a paycheck.”

The Creature is hoping that the publicity he will receive from plugging the oil spill will revive his career.

I’m hoping for a movie deal.  Hey if Vin Diesel can become an action hero why can’t I? I’m better looking than he is.  And I’d like to get married. My love life has been in a rut lately.  Any reporters from Fox here?  Can you get me Megyn Kelly’s phone number?  Come on man, help a Creature out will you?

BP executives have not disclosed how much money they are paying the Creature to plug the leak.

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Hello to citizens of the United States of America!  Much fun awaits you in the wonderful tropical paradise of Somalia.  Why waste your money going to Europe?  Somalia is cheap for the Americans.  And prices will not cost you arm and leg.  Maybe head.  But we joke with the Americans.   Fly to Somalia cheap.  We don’t have airline but we hijack one for you.  So come to our beautiful country now.  See what activities await for you:

Water Sports!

We have boats!  We put you on boat on sea.  Enjoy the open water as we chase down bigger boat on sea.  But please Americans, keep your head down!  Bigger boat sometime shoot at us.  Bigger boat sometimes take Somali prisoner.

High Fashion!

American come to Somali fashion show!  No skinny European models at our shows.  We are on the cutting edge of fashion. See one of Somalia’s favorite sons parade on catwalk with plastic explosives in underwear.  Bring home to America bomb-filled underwear.  A Somali tradition!

Military Discipline!

You Americans of course know of the French Foreign Legion.  We in Somalia have our own foreign legion.  Come join Al Qaeda in Somalia!  We give you gun.  You kill enemy of great Prophet.  Can you do that in your Las Vegas?  Can you do that in your Atlantic City?  Come to Somalia.  Gun training comes with food rations for those who swear allegiance to War Lord.  Al Qaeda in Somalia is equal opportunity employer.  We even welcome Hispanics.  From New Jersey no less!

All this and more awaits for you in Somalia.  We have plenty of beaches without oil spills.   See the hot women on the beach!  Whoooo……sexy burqa lady!

Note:  Al Qaeda in Somalia is not affiliated with Burlington Coat Factory.

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