“I don’t want to play golf. When I hit a ball I want someone else to go chase it” ~ Rogers Hornsby
Saturday found your humble blogger at Yankee Stadium as the Yankees played game two of a three game series against the Houston (pronounced “How-ston” in New York) Astros.
A heavy air hung over the stadium. I think it was the spectacle of the so-called World Cup. And so began that curious phenomenon that happens every four years where we are berated by elites as “stoooooopid” for not liking soccer.
“The French are laughing at us!” they say. “All progressive civilized nations love soccer. Only backward America hates it.”
But we few, we brave, we happy band of baseball fans ignored the threats and admonitions of our elite sportswriters, giving them the collective finger and saying “Soccer? Please. Baseball is our sport.”
Let me state this as clearly as I can: Soccer, like fascism and Wham!, is a European abomination. Wake me up before you go-go because I feel like invading Poland………
And that concludes my soccer rant. Onto the game. The Yankees started Javier Vazquez (6-5) while the Howston Astros started Wandy (Wandy? Is he a pixie?) Rodriguez (3-9). Before the game the U.S. Army Parachute Team, the Golden Knights, parachuted into the stadium. This was part of Military Appreciation Day sponsored by the Special Ops Warrior Foundation, which provides college scholarships to children of soldiers who have died. This is their web site:
Special Ops Warrior Foundation
Derek Jeter led off the bottom of the first by hitting a home run. 1-0 Yankees after one. Howston’s Third baseman Geoff Blum countered with a home run in the second. 1-1 after two innings. In the top of the third Jeff Keppinger doubled in Tommy Manzella, giving Howston a brief 2-1 lead. At this point I became nervous. Vazquez was pitching after all and all Yankee fans still remember his giving up a grand slam to Johnny Damon in game seven of the 2004 LCS.
The Yankees broke through in the bottom of the third. After a walk to Jeter (who then stole second and went to third on the catcher’s error) Swisher singled him in. Another walk to Teixeira and a single by Cano left the bases loaded. DH Jorge “I’m an angry Spanish man and I want to catch” Posada hit a grand slam into the right field seats in front of the bleachers where I was sitting. 6-2 Yankees after three.
Howston got a run back in the sixth from a solo home run from Carlos Lee. But the Yankees came back in the bottom of the inning. Cervelli and Granderson walked and after Kevin Russo flied out Jeter hit his second home run of the game. 9-3 Yankees after 6. And that was the final score.
Notes on the game:
As I mentioned earlier, Javier Vazquez pitched for the Yankees, which is always a cause for concern. He pitched seven innings, giving up six hits while also striking out six. I guess I have to take back all the bad things I said about him earlier in the season. After a horrendous start he is slowly gaining respectability, much like me with the bartenders at Fitzgerald’s Pub.
Saturday was Day Two of the Great 2010 AROD Groin Crisis. For those who don’t know AROD missed his second game in a row with a “twinge” in his groin. My theory? His groin misses Kate Hudson. I’m just saying, you know. So Kate, if you happen to read this blog, give AROD a call. Wait, what am I saying? Kate, if you are reading this blog, give me a call. Please. C’mon don’t be that way baby. You know I love you.
Nick Johnson Injury Watch:
As everyone knows our DH Nick Johnson is on the DL. While rehabbing today he was tragically killed in an accident involving a wood chipper, a penis pump and Lady Gaga. Yankee officials are confident that this will not set back his recovery by any appreciable length of time.
Best heckle of the game:
Some idiot showed up wearing an “England” soccer jersey. He was greeted with “Go back to your Islamicist-dominated pathetic little island, Limey.” Then we started a soccer riot to make him feel at home. I think it worked. He had a tear in his eye. Of course that might have been due to the fact that we took turns urinating on him.
Recommended reading material:
Red Harvest by Dashiell Hammett.
Reader mail:
Kate Hudson writes, “I know AROD’s groin feels bad. That was my job. I was a plant by the Red Sox.”
Wow. Kate. Kate. Kate. Say it ain’t so. You’re breaking my heart.
The Gulf of Mexico oil spill says, “Hi, I’m the Gulf of Mexico oil spill. I just want to introduce myself. I’m new in the neighborhood and you’ll be seeing a lot more of me.”
I don’t know why everyone hates him. He seems pretty friendly to me.
W.J.J.B. of Florida writes, “Space is what I need, it’s what I feed on…..out in the open.”
It’s good to see they are finally allowing you internet access in the “hospital” sir.
God writes, “When the man loses the hair of his head he is not unclean merely because of his bald crown.” – Leviticus 13:40
It’s nice to know I’m not ritually unclean. Especially considering all the porn I have on my computer.
After seven games my record stands at 5-2. My next game is Tuesday June 15th against the defending National League champion Philadelphia Phillies.
Go Yankees!
(601)
Can we now call herpes “Kate Hudson” and be done with it?
Kate will have to wait in line. Madonna still has the herpes name trademarked for 20 more years.
BO always wanted me to play soccer but I felt my best sport was ruining his presidency. Now I’m a pro; he’s just a golfer.
Also, you should send Jorge an email and tell him that if he doesn’t start hitting grand slams to you, you’re going to … start going to Mets games.
I haven’t heard Neon Knights by Black Sabbath in YEARS, but for some reason it had been stuck in my head all day. That is, until your infernal-diabolic-straight-from-hell “Wake me up..” crap.
Now I have that song stuck in my head. Thank you very little.
BO: Go to Mets games? That’s just wrong!!
Inn: You put the boom-boom into my heart
You send my soul sky high when your lovin’ starts
Jitterbug into my brain
Goes a bang-bang-bang ’til my feet do the same
But something’s bugging you
Something ain’t right
My best friend told me what you did last night
Left me sleepin’ in my bed
I was dreaming, but I should have been with you instead.
Wake me up before you go-go
Don’t leave me hanging on like a yo-yo
Wake me up before you go-go
I don’t want to miss it when you hit that high
Wake me up before you go-go
‘Cause I’m not plannin’ on going solo
Wake me up before you go-go
Take me dancing tonight
I wanna hit that high (yeah, yeah)
You take the grey skies out of my way
You make the sun shine brighter than Doris Day
Turned a bright spark into a flame
My beats per minute never been the same
‘Cause you’re my lady, I’m your fool
It makes me crazy when you act so cruel
Come on, baby, let’s not fight
We’ll go dancing, everything will be all right
Wake me up before you go-go
Don’t leave me hanging on like a yo-yo
Wake me up before you go-go
I don’t want to miss it when you hit that high
Wake me up before you go-go
‘Cause I’m not plannin” on going solo
Wake me up before you go-go
Take me dancing tonight
I wanna hit that high (yeah, yeah, baby)
(Jitterbug)
(Jitterbug)
Cuddle up, baby, move in tight
We’ll go dancing tomorrow night
It’s cold out there, but it’s warm in bed
They can dance, we’ll stay home instead
(Jitterbug)
Wake me up before you go-go
Don’t leave me hanging on like a yo-yo
Wake me up before you go-go
I don’t want to miss it when you hit that high
Wake me up before you go-go
‘Cause I’m not plannin’ on going solo
Wake me up before you go-go
Take me dancing tonight
Wake me up before you go-go, don’t you dare to leave me hanging on like a
yo-yo
Take me dancing
“As everyone knows our DH Nick Johnson is on the DL. While rehabbing today he was tragically killed in an accident involving a wood chipper, a penis pump and Lady Gaga. Yankee officials are confident that this will not set back his recovery by any appreciable length of time.”
While there is something inherently wrong with this, it is hilarious.
Lady Gaga? There’s another herpes candidate. Then again, is syphilis taken?
I shall have my revenge! Dunno what I’m gonna do yet, but be assured, it will be very, very revengy!!!!!!
Wham-A-Doodle! It’s a little too much to have the Yankees lauded and a Wham song quoth in the same place. I am feeling a little nauseous.
Being from near Houston (pronounced “YEW-stun” down here, thankyouverymuch), though not really caring too much about the Lastros, or baseball in general, I do have an inborn loathing for the Yew Nork Spankees. Not that they’re all bad, mind you. I have had the pleasure of dealing with Andy Pettitte on a number of occasions and find him to be a quintessential Texas Boy; polite, gracious, patient. The rest of them can go jump into the East River, that polluted, vile and rancid waterway that makes Buffalo Bayou in YEWston look like the pristine headwaters of the Yellowstone River.
OK, and the Wham lyric just makes the whole thing seem gay. Sorry. I’m from Texas, and there’s a lot of stuff that just looks gay. Soccer is another.
At least we agree on that. 😀
Oooh! It’s working already!!! Bwaaahaaahaaa!
Sorry innominatus but I am a Lt. in the secret Wham! army somplete with secret signs. “Wake me up” is our anthem. Sshhhh!
Let’s see if this works!
it didn’t!
aA: Welcome to my blog. Feel free to look around. Yes, Andy Pettitte has always struck me as a decent human being, which sadly is not often the case with professional athletes.
Inn: Cease fire!!!! Cease Fire!! Cant’ we all just get along? go go? 🙂
Red: Welcome to my blog. A lt. in the secret Wham! army? hmmm. Don’t let Inn know 🙂
Matt: Nothing works anymore. Remember who’s pResident.
Mr. Infidel,
Glad to bee hear. I half scene you’re comments on Innominatus’s’ blog, and yew ar indeed a cleaver guy.
Jest bee carfull.
hey, that’s just not cool gettin’ a song stuck in a good guy like innominatus’ head is NOT COOL! and about your precious hankees, All the players gotta get off the roids, seriously, it’s that bad