BP engineers, discouraged by their failure to end the leak in the Gulf of Mexico have resorted to a new, desperate tactic that they feel is “most promising.”
Beginning today BP engineers will lower dozens of 52 inch flat screen TVs to the ocean floor. Those TVs will broadcast World Cup soccer in hopes of putting the oil leak to sleep.
“This has never been tried before but in theory it has an excellent chance of succeeding” said an executive who spoke on condition of anonymity because he is not authorized to speak on behalf of BP and he is a Methodist.
The idea of using soccer first occurred last week during a home invasion at the house of a BP executive.
“I was sitting at home when some burglars broke into my house. They had guns and were threatening to beat me. I happened to have the World Cup on TV. They noticed and immediately fell to the floor unconscious.”
Word of the disabling effect of soccer spread rapidly. Aware of the potential use of this BP set up an experimental test site where soccer, and only soccer, was shown on large screen TVs.
“The tests were more successful than we had hoped. Soccer put everybody to sleep. We brought in drunk college kids and grizzly bears who hadn’t eaten in days and put them together. The bears started attacking and eating the college kids. We then turned the TVs on. After a few moments the bears noticed the soccer match and became drowsy. Within minutes they were asleep” said an executive who spoke on condition of anonymity because he is not authorized to speak on behalf of BP and he is a cat.
“Our preliminary results show that soccer can put more people to sleep than a Margaret Cho comedy show” said an executive who spoke on condition of anonymity because he was not authorized to speak on behalf of BP and he is a shoe.
The only worry that BP has is the cultural orientation of the oil spill.
“It is the Gulf of Mexico. If the oil spill is American the soccer will work. If it is culturally Mexican then it won’t work” said an executive who spoke on condition of anonymity because he is not authorized to speak on behalf of BP and he is a gazebo.
The Gulf oil spill could not be reached for comment.
(433)
Of course the oil spill is American.
Petroleum is raaaaacist.
Soccer broadcasts will either plug the damn hole or lead to brawls between drunken gangs of hooligans. Win/win, I’d say.
Sound logic if you ask me. However, I am not authorized to speak on behalf of BP and I’m a paramecium.
Given the potential power of all those TV’s, do they risk putting most everyone in the gulf area asleep? Sound does go through water. Is anyone thinking about the whales and dolphins?
King: Everyone is racist who opposes our dear leader
Inn: You have a valid point. Win/Win I say!
Mark: You damn parameciums!!!
Matt: Screw the whales and dolphins! They’re swimming in U.S. territory man!