President Obama Compares Oil Spill to 9/11; From Hell Mohammed Atta Disagrees

Mohmammed Atta disagrees with President Obama’s assessmentSpeaking today at length about the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, President Obama compared it to 9/11 and said that “it will shape how we think for years.”

“This oil spill, the fault of the previous administration’s environmental policies, will sear the American consciousness.  It will effect how we think about oil, it will effect how we think about the car we drive and how high our home thermostats are” said the President before joining Paul McCartney in a rousing rendition of Hey Jude.

From Hell, where his is spending Eternity, “It’s a lot like Saudi Arabia but without the oil” Mohammad Atta disagreed with President Obama’s assessment.

Look, 9/11 was a coordinated attack on the heart of America’s financial system.  It took years of planning and was very hard to pull off – like the toupee Bill Shatner wore on T.J. Hooker.  The spill in the Gulf was an accident.  Only 11 died.  How many did we kill?  Thousands.  Don’t get me wrong.  I still support President Obama.  I voted for him myself. (I am still technically a resident of Chicago.) But in this case he’s wrong.

As Atta stared wistfully at his “Change We Can Believe In” poster of then-candidate Obama, he talked about his life in Hell.

If this is Paradise I’ve been misinformed.  This place is dark and I don’t even have my own room.  I have to share it with Judas and some guy who calls himself “The Great Satan.”  He doesn’t even  look like George Bush.  Where are my 72 virgins?  I asked one of the bellhops – you know that thing that keeps flying over me.  Do you know what he said?  He said, “The only virgin here is your ass.”  Then he did shameful things to me.  Things that should only be done to the 13 year old boys I used to have.  I mean, c’mon.  I’ve have more fun in Qatar drinking in bars with executives from PriceWaterhouse Coopers.

He then gave details on a typical day for him.

I’m up at 6 AM.  Then I spend the morning in boiling tar.  Then at Noon they take me out and do shameful things to me for a couple hours.  At 3 we have a 15-minute tea break and then it’s back in the boiling tar.  This is not what I signed up for.  When I agreed to kill the crusaders I was promised Earthly Paradise and virgins.  If I ever see Allah I’m going to discuss this with him. This was not in the brochure!

Atta was asked if there was ever a break in his routine.

Occasionally we get Hollywood stars down here.  Sean Penn dropped by once.  He was raising money for Hurricane Katrina relief. We talked about soccer and our mutual hatred of reporters. He wished me well and actually gave me his autograph.  Nice fella.  Hey, it’s almost time for me to back to the boiling tar but how is Egypt doing in the World Cup?  What?  What do you mean they didn’t make the Cup?  That makes me angry enough to fly a plane into a building!

From the White House President Obama apologized for Egypt not making the World Cup.


One Response

  1. aA says:

    HAH! Now THAT is funny! I wonder if Mohammed Atta has met Mohammed the Prophet? I would like to read about THAT exchange, for sure.

    MA: “You lied to me!”

    MtP: “Heck, I lied to me! Who knew this place would have so many of my followers here? And there are so many Hollywood stars, you’d think it would be a nice place, but it’s really uncomfortable, and they don’t look so good without all their makeups and Photoshops…”

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