Speaking from the Oval Office for the first time, President Obama promised worried Americans that his Administration is doing all in its power to plug the oil leak ravaging the Gulf Coast.

“Today, as we look to the Gulf, we see an entire way of life being threatened by a menacing cloud of black crude.  And no I’m not referring to Whoopi Goldberg” said the President.

President Obama, then went on to talk about the winning spirit of Americans and how the spill will not defeat the United States.

“Americans love a winner and will not tolerate a loser.  We have the finest equipment, the best spirit and the best men in the world.”

After a brief encouragement to America, President Obama, sensitive to criticism that he has not been tough enough, launched harshly into BP.

You know by God I actually pity those poor bastards at BP.  By God I do.  We’re not just going to shoot the bastards at BP, we’re going to cut out their living guts and use them to grease the treads of our Priuses.  We’re going to murder those lousy BP Limeys by the bushel.  BP is the enemy.  Wade into them.  Spill their blood. Shoot them in the belly.  When you put your hand into a bunch of goo that a moment before was a pelican you’ll know what to do.

Now there’s another thing I want you to remember. I don’t want to get any message that we are holding the line on the oil spill.  We’re not holding anything.  Let BP do that.  We’re going to stop this oil spill and we’re going to kick BP in the ass.  We’re going to kick the hell out of them all the time and we’re going to go through them like crap through a goose.

Thirty years from now when your sitting around your fireside with your grandson on your knee and he asks you and what you did during the Great Gulf of Mexico Oil Spill you won’t have to say, “Well I shoveled shit in Louisiana.”  You didn’t shovel shit.  You shoveled oil!

Alright now, you sons of bitches, you know how I feel.  Oh and I will be be proud to lead you wonderful guys into the oil spill anytime – anywhere.

That’s all.  Dismissed.

After President Obama’s speech the Republicans countered with a brief statement:

“While we are glad that the President is finally getting tough,  umm, we humbly ask, is he out of his freaking mind?”

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