Former President Bill Clinton has come to the defense of embattled congressional candidate Krystal Ball.  Since pictures of candidate Ball have surfaced recently that show her in compromising positions many have abandoned her in her attempt to win office.  But not President Clinton.

“I stand firmly behind Miss Ball” said Clinton.  “It is time we erect the hard principles of the Democratic party in this district and Miss Ball is the one who raises my admiration.”

Miss Ball, who was leading in the race has had to defend herself after pictures surfaced of her and her ex-husband at a college party. Her ex husband is wearing a sex toy on his nose and she plays with it.  Said Miss Ball:

It was a college party.  We were celebrating the end of the semester.  We had finished all our tests and were relaxing.  Come on!  Haven’t any of you ever been at a college party?  So I was sucking on my ex-husband’s fake penis nose.  You should see the photos from the party that haven’t been made public.  You try having sex in a hot tub with six naked cheerleaders.  It’s not easy.  There’s a lot of slippage involved.  I mean my breasts ended up in crevices I thought were physically impossible.

When Miss Ball mentioned the cheerleaders and the hot tub President Clinton was quick to come to her defense.

“I love this woman!  She’ll fit right in in Washington” he said before handing her a cigar.

Clinton also commented on the photos.

This is a scandal?  These photos are rather tame.  Come on.  I  have photos of Hillary in college being mounted by rottweilers.  But I still married her.  Well, after a series of  long, drawn-out and painful rabies shots that is.

This is not the first time a Democratic candidate for office was faced with a sex scandal.  During his 1952 run for President, Adlai Stevenson would often dress up as ’40s era Big Band singer Martha Tilton.  Between campaign stops he would entertain the Secret Service with his rendition of “And the Angels Sing.”

In addition to former President Clinton, Miss Ball has received the endorsement of a group calling itself  “Men Who Like to Wear Fake Penis Noses.” Said the group’s founder:

For too long we have been shunned and relegated to the dark corners of society.  No more!  Miss Ball understands our frustrations and we heartily support her. Yes we do.  Oh yes…..yes……YES OH GOD YES! YES OH GOD YES!!!!  Hey, is that hot wax?

A companion group, “Women Who Love Men Who Wear Fake Penis Noses” has also announced plans to endorse Ball.  In a statement released today the organization said:

We feel that at this critical juncture in American history candidate Ball is the best person for the office.  Now get on your knees.  You need discipline bitch.

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Faisal Shazad, the 31-year old Pakistani immigrant who parked a car filled with explosives in Times Square last May was sentenced to life in prison without parole.

U.S. District Court Judge Miriam Goldman Cederbaum pronounced the sentence during a court appearance that was shown on live television.

Shazad recounted how he bought quantities of Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator from a contact known only as Marvin Martian with the intent of setting off a devastating explosion that would kill hundreds of New Yorkers.

“Brace yourselves” said Shazad.  “Because the war with Muslims has just begun.”

As Shazad mentioned war with Muslims many commentators watching the sentencing expressed surprise and wonder that an articulate and handsome Pakistani would resort to violent, racist tactics normally associated with the right-wing Tea Party movement.

Interviewed on local TV, New York City Mayor Mike Bloomberg speculated that perhaps Shazad’s mind had become deranged as the result of nicotine addiction combined with racist right-wing politics.  “This type of addiction might send him over the edge.  Combine that with teabagging sympathies and you have a perfect storm of resentment.  Why else would he plant a bomb?”

Shazad continued ranting after the sentence was handed down.

“We do not want your freedom.  We have freedom with Sharia law.”

At the mention of Sharia law, MSNBC commentator Keith Olbermann surmised that perhaps Shazad was obsessed with a woman named Sherry Law.

“Sexual frustration and the inability to connect emotionally with a woman might lead to violence.   I’m looking at you  Jenny Robinson who refused to go to the senior prom with me.  You are the worst person in the world.”

Shazad then jumped up and down while screaming “Death to the infidel!  Death to the infidel!  I want to kill the infidel!”

As Shazad screamed Christiane Amanpour of ABC News said, “I can’t quite make out what he is saying but I believe he is expressing opposition to President Obama’s agenda.  Yes, I distinctly heard him say he opposes health care reform.  This is so typical of insular, arrogant Americans.”

The FBI has announced that they intend to indict Marvin Martian as a co-conspirator in the bombing attempt.

“We have no idea who Marvin Martian is or what he looks like” said FBI chief Robert Mueller.  “But we are going to closely watch Tea Party rallies to see if anyone has any information on Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulators.”

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With only four weeks to go until the midterm elections top Democratic politicians have spread out across the United States rallying their constituents to get out and vote.

In Massachusetts Senator John Kerry, seeing the multitudes had voters recline on grass while he addressed them from the water, where his yacht was docked.

Now I don’t want to hear any of this crap about lack of enthusiasm.  Don’t you know all that your government has done for you?  For indeed, blessed are those who vote Democratic for the kingdom of socialism is theirs.  Blessed are the poor for redistributed income shall come their way.  Blessed are the clean of heart because they probably don’t smoke and smoking is almost as immoral as making over $250,000 a year.  Blessed are the peacemakers for they shall stop Israel from building new settlements.  Blessed are you when are reviled because of me for your reward will be great in Washington D.C.  Entitlements shall be yours.

He then boarded his yacht, turned to the crowd and gave one last blessing:

I better get this baby back to Rhode Island before someone taxes it.  Oh, and vote Democratic you stupid idiots.

At a fundraiser in New Hampshire, Vice President Joe Biden ripped off his shirt and challenged those in attendance to a fight.

You’re damn right I’m angry.  You people had better vote for us or I’m going to come to your house and use your bathroom!  So stop whining people.  Did your grandfathers whine when President Roosevelt landed on the moon and signed Medicare into law? Thank god these idiots don’t know that we’re going to have to steal from Medicare to fund Obamacare……what?  What do you mean my microphone is still on? This shit is bananas.  B-a-n-a-n-a-s.  This shit is bananas.  B-a-n-a-n-a-s!

The nation’s top Democrat, President Obama traveled to Madison Wisconsin to deliver the get out the vote message to a group of college students.

It is inexcusable for you to sit on the sidelines and not vote when I am commanding you to vote.  I mean, people, it’s not like any of you have any prospects of getting a job soon.  So you have time on your hands to vote.  I take credit for this.  So stop clinging to guns and religion and vote Democratic!

From Washington D.C. the Democratic National Committee, fresh from unveiling a new logo unveiled its new official midterm campaign slogan that it hopes will energize its base:

Loyal subjects of America.  Are you stupid or what? Vote Democratic.  Don’t force us to have Joe Biden use your bathroom.  There is a reason we call him “Colon Joe.”

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In a move that has surprised many observers of international politics, North Korean leader Kim Jong-il has named a goat as the new Dear Leader of the communist nation of North Korea.

Before the announcement it was thought that the front runners were his son, Kim Jong-un, his sister Kim Kyong-hui or Daffy Duck.

The goat, Kim Jong-baaaaah, is four years old and is already a major general in North Korea’s army.

Analysts praise the move, citing the fact that the goat, having lived his entire life on a diet of grass will be able to sympathize with the average North Korean.

“His grass-eating ways will endear him to the commoner in North Korea” said one political analyst.  “They (the common man) suffer through food shortages and often have to eat grass as well.  Now they can say ‘Our leader is one of us.’ ”

Not much is known about Kim Jong-baaaaah in the West other than the fact that he likes to defecate outdoors, attended Harvard and is considered something of a constitutional scholar in the goat community.

Excerpts from Bob Woodward’s new book, “Goat” portray Kim Jong-baaaaah as deep-thinking and at times anguished by the choices he has to make. Recently I sat down with Woodward and asked him about his impressions of Kim Jong-baaaaah.

“Well, he’s an intellectual as you know” said Woodward.  “He has a degree from Harvard. And so intellectually he realizes that the situation is very hard.”

I asked Woodward if Kim Jong-baaaaah seemed to be struggling with his new role.

Definitely.  Definitely.  I asked him point blank if North Korea had access to nuclear weapons.  He looked straight into my eyes and didn’t say anything at first. He put his head down and chewed on some grass. Then after a few seconds he raised his head, licked my hand and defecated on my shoes.  And for the first time I could see his internal struggle, his intellectual struggle.  Clearly this is a pacifist goat by nature but he’s dealing with the military.  He’s dealing with political advisers.  Kim Jong-baaaaah is going to be a deep-thinker on the world stage.

Hollywood already has plans to make a movie on Kim Jong-baaaaah’s life.  Those who have expressed interest in the role include Matt Damon and Sean Penn though it is believed that Sarah Jessica Parker has the inside track to play the goat.

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