The celebration was about to begin.  Banners were hung in the plaza. It was the Bicentennial of Mexican Independence.    There was only one thing missing:  people.

“It was dark, deserted, desolate.  Not a living thing around for miles” said an American visitor.  “It was like going to Citi Field to watch the Mets.”

Calls to the Mexican Embassy went unanswered but an email sent out to reporters said in part:

Mexico is proud of its progressive reputation.  We are always looking towards the future.  With this in mind we pondered how best to celebrate our Bicentennial.  While oppressors like America celebrated it in traditional ways we have decided that the best way to celebrate would be with a new, modern Mexican tradition.  Accordingly we have ordered that every Mexican citizen be kidnapped by drug cartels.  Nothing says Mexico more right now than being kidnapped.  Hey, I have to go.  There are people at my door with guns.

While many are surprised by the decision, Mexican authorities defend their actions.

If you can’t beat them join them I say.  Kidnappings are a part of our culture.  It’s time to decriminalize kidnapping.  Besides, we’ve found that our citizens who weren’t being kidnapped were suffering from self-esteem issues.  They wonder why they aren’t good enough to get kidnapped.  Having everyone kidnapped will benefit the entire country.  Self-esteem will go up.  Resulting medical costs from trips to the ER for anti-depressants will go down. We’re hoping to expand the program by having all Mexicans in the U.S. kidnapped as well.  Hey, I have to go.  There are people at my door with guns.

Mexico tried kidnapping Americans but gave it up because Americans were too high maintenance.

“They were always whining that their blackberry couldn’t get a signal. They whined that the hideout they were being held in didn’t have wireless.  The women whined because we didn’t have DVDs of Sex and the City and what the hell is a Cosmo?” said one drug cartel member.

Mexico’s decision has had far-ranging consequences.  It has already been announced that France will celebrate Bastille Day in 2011 by surrendering. The Republic of Ireland will celebrate the anniversary of the Treaty with Great Britain (December 6th) by having a civil war.

The United States will celebrate July 4th in 2011 with a new progressive tradition:  ceding all constitutional rights granted under the ninth and tenth amendments to the Federal Government.

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