Mets Fire GM, Manager; Move in "New Direction"

Fred Wilpon, owner of the Mets at press conferenceAs long expected, The New York Mets fired General Manager Omar Minaya and Manager Jerry Manuel.

“The past two years have been very painful for the Mets, their fans and my liver” said owner Fred Wilpon as he reached for his bottle of Jack Daniels.

Stating the all options are on the table and that the Mets will move in an “exciting new direction” Wilpon said that he is expanding the search for a new GM to those beyond the field of “baseball lifers.”

“We need new ideas.  And frankly I don’t have any.”

Wilpon then explained the reason for the Mets collapse:

Usually every night I grab a hooker, bring her back to my place and we drink cheap booze until I pass out in a puddle of my own vomit.  Then I wake up in the morning and read the standings in the paper.  Trouble was I’m usually so hung over and disorientated I was reading the standings upside down.  I thought we were in second place locked in a tight pennant race with the Nationals.

Wilpon added that the Mets have achieved little success playing it safe with executives with baseball experience and then gave reporters a list of people he thinks would be good GMs for his team.

  1.  Isiah Thomas knows New YorkIsiah Thomas.  “He’s charismatic, has experience in the front office, knows New York and he’s a negro.”
  2. Walt Whitman, poet, baseball lover, dead manWalt Whitman.  “He’s from Brooklyn and he once wrote a poem about baseball.”  When reminded that Whitman is dead Wilpon responded, “Don’t bother me son with your bourgeois platitudes.  Where’s my booze?”
  3. Where’s the kaboom?  There was supposed to be an Earth-shattering kaboom!Marvin the Martian.  “He’ll be cheap as the exchange rate between dollars and Martian currency is very favorable.  And if KROD beats anyone else up Marvin can use his Illudium Q-36 explosive space modulator on him.”

As far as their new manager, Wilpon stated that the Mets need discipline.

Manuel was too easy on the players.  We need a tough taskmaster, a no-nonsense drill sergeant type who will instill fear into our players.  Accordingly we are leaning towards hiring either Benito Mussolini or Michelle Obama.

Wilpon then ended the press conference by drinking from his bottle of JD and passing out in a puddle of his own vomit.


11 Responses

  1. If Isaiah Thomas gets anywhere near a front office job for any New York sports team ever again, the the Mayan calendar stuff really come true.

    Seriously, what he did to the Knicks was so insane, it’s hard to believe Thomas once actually played pro ball. Anybody with any experience in the NBA should know that Stephon Marbury is an incurable locker room cancer.

  2. innominatus says:

    Damn I gotta remember to ctrl-c my comments before hitting “submit”… Here goes again…

    Remember when Isaiah and Magic Johnson would share a little kiss on the cheek before a playoff game? Yeah, so do I. At the thought of it, innominatus passes out in a puddle of his own (brought on by disgust, not drinking) vomit.

  3. Manhattan Infidel says:

    CRS, INN: As long as the Dolans (evil! evil!) control Madison Square Garden the Knicks will always suck.

    But I think Isaiah will be a perfect fit for the Mets. It’s a marriage of suckitude.

  4. Matt says:

    The mere existence of the Mets goes against the laws of God and man. They should therefore hire Satan to be both GM and manager. It only makes sense.

  5. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Matt: See Isaiah Thomas. The Mets have the Satan angle covered.

    And on a side note: Do I hope the Yankees sweep on Saturday night or do I hope they lose because I have tickets to Sunday night’s game?

  6. innominatus says:

    If they sweep, it’ll mess up the pitching rotation AND make you miss a game. The Yankees need to toy with their victim for a game and then finish ’em off while you’re there to give us a write-up.

  7. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Inn: All good points, but the 2004 ALCS is still a fresh raw wound. We had Bahstahn down 3-0 and couldn’t close the deal. So I say sweep ’em.

  8. MK says:

    “We need new ideas. And frankly I don’t have any.”

    Can you imagine if a politician actually said that, really, we all know they have none, apart from stealing more money from us, but just imagine the bastards admitted it. I really think the nation would stop, jaws on the ground.

    Such candor, such honesty, we can only dream.

  9. Manhattan Infidel says:

    MK: If a politician ever said that then I know that Hell has officially frozen over.

  10. Mets Tickets says:

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