Archeologists announced today that they have discovered a treasure trove of heretofore unknown cave paintings by ancient man.

Previously discovered cave paintings contained images of wild animals such as bisons, horses or deer.  The newly discovered paintings however contained a new element that at first was not able to be identified.  After scientists compared the paintings with recently released cell phone messages sent to former New York Jets employee Jenn Sterger they were able to identify the surprising paintings as being representations of Brett Favre’s penis.

Since it has been speculated that ancient man painted on cave walls for religious reasons this is opening new interpretations on life for many.  Said one scientist:

Clearly if ancient man drew paintings of Favre’s penis then they are trying to tell us that Favre’s member had religious, magical properties.  Clearly these paintings prove that Favre’s junk had the ability to travel through time.  Clearly it must be worshipped.

Throughout Europe and America there are reports of previously content and orthodox scientists abandoning families and research and forming tiny communities called “BFPW“, short for Brett Favre Penis Worshipers.

These BFPWs often refuse to pay taxes, claiming that they are no longer subject to civil authorities and must follow the higher “call of the member.”

Authorities from the affected countries will meet in an emergency session at the U.N.

“This is the greatest threat to western civilization since Kanye West” said France’s Minister of Defense.

The BFPWs say that they merely want to be left in peace to worship Favre’s penis as their conscience sees fit.

In related news, it has been announced that Mel Gibson and Brett Favre will star in a romantic comedy entitled “I’m going to Burn Your House Down but First You Will Blow Me!”

The movie is rated R for adult language, violence and disturbing images of Brett Favre’s junk.

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Scientists traveling through remote stretches of the South American rain forest at first were delighted by their findings. In just one month they had cataloged almost 12,000 heretofore unknown species.  But then the dark side of their discoveries sunk in:  Most of the new species appeared to be racist.

Foremost was a frog that would change its color from brown to white when in danger.

“We named this frog the “Frogius Teapartius Hateius Blackmanicus.” 

Among its other strange characteristics, the frog had a shameful tendency to migrate from dangerous parts of the rain forest that were filled with its natural predators to safer, “upscale” areas. Once in the upscale areas it would try to blend in with the native species, abandoning whatever brown skin it had left.  Within weeks the frogs were completely white.

“Disgusting racist behavior” said one environmentalist.  “Instead of being proud of their heritage they denied it.”

Another species discovered was a rat that would hide out in rocky areas. 

“We were originally going to call it a ‘rock rat’ but changed our minds when the full degree of its racism became known.”

Many of the rats were injured as a result of residing in a rocky habitat.  Some appeared to have broken limbs.

“We gave all the injured rats vouchers for free government-run health care. Instead they ate the vouchers or defecated on them.”

Scientist speculate that perhaps the rats were fearful, and were clinging to old established ways.

“They obviously did not know what was best for them and rejected all our attempts to help, probably because one of the scientists was a black man.  It’s the only logical explanation.”

Because of these disturbing findings, many naturalists now suffer from bad morale and talk of establishing new careers in another field of study.

“I used to think nature was beautiful but now all I want to do is go back to my gated community, shut the door and do some yoga” said one.

The complete findings will be on display at the American Museum of Natural History in an exhibit entitled “Nature:  Racist and Probably Republican.”

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The current dispute between Fox Network and Cablevision, which has lead to thousands of customers being stranded without their favorite shows and sporting events has turned out to be a boon for previously unknown channels.

“Without Fox we realized we had to give our customers some new channels” said Cablevision CEO James Dolan.  “We care about our customers.  We do.  Okay we don’t but we had to fill the void left by racist Fox.”

So in lieu of Fox, Cablevision debuted the “Al Qaeda in the Arabian Peninsula Channel.”

“We’re excited by this station” said Dolan.  “And it gives us a chance to connect with the immigrant community.”

The most popular program on AQAPC is a game show called “Beat the Infidel.”

Muslims wishing martyrdom have 60 seconds to kill an infidel and themselves.  If they succeed the surviving relatives get cheesecake and the complete Manimal DVD set.  It’s an exciting fast-paced, tension-filled show that we think would appeal to viewers who would normally watch “House.”  The host is comedian Dana Carvey. “Our surveys showed that Carvey has a high popularity rating.  Besides, he hasn’t worked in years so he was cheap.”

The second most popular show on the channel is called “We are the religion of peace.  Seriously.”

It’s kind of a Muslim version of all those Sunday morning news programs.  Muslim scholars debate current events and show how Islam is the true religion of peace.  At the end of the program a dissenting Muslim is brought on stage and beheaded.  His grieving relatives get cheesecake.  And who doesn’t love cheesecake?

Also debuting on Cablevision is “The Blogger’s Channel.”

I don’t know why we bought this.  It’s cheap frankly.  It’s a reality channel that shows bloggers live, in their underwear, eating cheesecake while they update their blogs.  It’s disturbing.  Children shouldn’t watch it.  The most disturbing was someone called “Manhattan Infidel.”  He didn’t even wear underwear.  He just sits there staring at his phone and saying “Why doesn’t anyone call?”  Then he curls up in a fetal position and rubs cheesecake all over his body.

In addition to these two fine networks, Cablevision hopes to ad many more struggling channels.

We’ve already bought The Danny Devito Workout channel and Cooking with Eye Discharge. And we hope to debut the Hot Tub with  Rosie O’Donnell show.  That is if TBS doesn’t buy it first.

There has been no word from FOX on when they hope to resolve the dispute.

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As part of my continuing series that aims to provide useful information for my readers I now present your horoscope.

ARIES – March 21 – April 20

The first sign of the Zodiac, Aries is ruled by Mars.  This means you are a cantankerous, grouchy, unpleasant son of a bitch no one likes, which is why you often spend your Saturday nights vacuuming or scrubbing your bathroom floor.  This week your war-like nature will get the better of you and will be arrested when the stench of the dead bodies under your porch becomes too noticeable.  There will be no trial however as you will be murdered in the prison shower.

TAURUS – April 21 – May 21st

Taurus’ symbol is the Bull, meaning you are very stubborn.  This week your natural stubbornness will be on display when you are shot refusing to hand over your wallet to a mugger.  You will survive the shooting but when being transported to the hospital the ambulance will drive off a bridge, submerging in murky water.  After a week your body will be discovered.  Your grieving widow will marry her true love a day later.

GEMINI – May 22 – June 21

Naturally unstable with a pronounced tendency to schizophrenia, this week you will lose your tenuous grip on reality.  Convinced that the Earth is being attacked you will put on a tin foil hat, barricade yourself in your bedroom and shoot anything that comes into your field of vision.  The SWAT team will fire smoke grenades into your house, setting it on fire.  Dental records will have to be used to identify your corpse.  Your grieving widow will sell your story to a cable network and move to Southern California with a waiter named Fernando.

CANCER – June 22 – July 22

Emotional security and tranquility are your overriding concerns, which explains your addiction to narcotics.  You will be fired from your job because of repeated drug-related lateness.  Needing money for your fix you will rob and shoot a Taurus.  You will marry his widow a day later.

LEO –  July 23 – August 23

Perhaps the most annoying sign in the Zodiac, you are overconfident, frank and outspoken, which explains why you often get the crap beat out of you in bars.  Repeated expensive plastic surgery to repair your face has left you looking too much like a male prostitute for your own good.   You will be dragged into an alley and beaten by a pimp who thinks you are one of his.  While lying in the alley a Cancer will mistake you for a Taurus and shoot you.

VIRGO – August 24 – September 23

A pain-in-the-ass perfectionist, you often find it difficult to ask others for help, which explains why you will electrocute yourself when attempting home wiring repairs.  As you most likely have no friends your body will remain undiscovered until your wife comes back from a business trip a week later.  A day after your funeral your grieving widow will marry her lesbian lover.

LIBRA – September 24 – October 23

Librans have a powerful sense of fair play and justice and are always willing to cooperate with others to resolve problems.  In other words, you are a pansy.  No one respects you.  This has damaged your self-esteem and made you question your sexuality.  You spend your weekends at truck stops, dressed as a prostitute.  A trucker, mistaking your for a Taurus, will shoot you.  Your grieving widow will discover your porn stash and sell it on Ebay.

SCORPIO – October 24 – November 23

Passionate and sensual, your lifestyle will finally catch up with you.  Plagued with 47 separate venereal diseases your body will literally rot away.  The noxious odor emanating from your rotting flesh will get the Centers for Disease Control involved.  Placed in quarantine your life will end in a bizarre accident involving a weed wacker and Howie Mandell.

SAGITTARIUS – November 23 – December 21

A gambler by nature, you will be ruined by bad investments.  Deeply ashamed that you are no longer able to provide for your family your penchant for occasional nudity will become a full blown psychosis.  Neighbors will complain when you repeatedly answer the door naked.  Police will arrest you but you will be shot trying to escape.  Police will claim that they shot you because they thought you were a Taurus.

CAPRICORN – December 22 – January 20

Your anal-retentive nature explains why you have no friends.   You have a deep-seated fear of intimacy and as a result are very sexually frustrated.  This frustration will lead you to approach strangers in shopping malls and asking them if they want to see your penis. Lonely, frustrated and friendless you will start a blog dedicated to pictures of your penis.  This blog will be shut down by the FBI who will register you as a sex offender.  Strangely you will be shot for not being a Taurus.

AQUARIUS – January 21 – February 19

A loner, you are far more intellectual than physical, which explains why you are 750 pounds and cannot leave your bed.   Oddly, you have over 1000 fetishers who view your webcam daily, though most of them are hoping to see you choke to death on a chicken bone.  Your only human contact is with your neighbor, a Capricorn who likes to show you pictures of his penis.  The two of you will be shot dead by policemen who will break into your home demanding to know which one of you is a Taurus.

PISCES – February 20 – March 20

You are imaginative and like to dabble in the art of sexual fantasy.  However you have already fulfilled most of your fantasies leaving you bored and disillusioned.   In an attempt to satisfy your craving for new sexual experiences you will hook up with a Capricorn, an overweight Aquarius, 200 pounds of grease, a stationary bike, a lactating squid and the 1982 Toronto Blue Jays.  This will lead to your death in an incident that neighbors still call “The night of 1000 screams.”  Your grieving widow will shoot a Taurus.

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