Cablevision, Fox Feud Golden Opportunity for Struggling Networks

Cablevision, presenting the finest shit you don’t want to watchThe current dispute between Fox Network and Cablevision, which has lead to thousands of customers being stranded without their favorite shows and sporting events has turned out to be a boon for previously unknown channels.

“Without Fox we realized we had to give our customers some new channels” said Cablevision CEO James Dolan.  “We care about our customers.  We do.  Okay we don’t but we had to fill the void left by racist Fox.”

So in lieu of Fox, Cablevision debuted the “Al Qaeda in the Arabian Peninsula Channel.”

“We’re excited by this station” said Dolan.  “And it gives us a chance to connect with the immigrant community.”

The most popular program on AQAPC is a game show called “Beat the Infidel.

Muslims wishing martyrdom have 60 seconds to kill an infidel and themselves.  If they succeed the surviving relatives get cheesecake and the complete Manimal DVD set.  It’s an exciting fast-paced, tension-filled show that we think would appeal to viewers who would normally watch “House.”  The host is comedian Dana Carvey. “Our surveys showed that Carvey has a high popularity rating.  Besides, he hasn’t worked in years so he was cheap.”

The second most popular show on the channel is called “We are the religion of peace.  Seriously.”

It’s kind of a Muslim version of all those Sunday morning news programs.  Muslim scholars debate current events and show how Islam is the true religion of peace.  At the end of the program a dissenting Muslim is brought on stage and beheaded.  His grieving relatives get cheesecake.  And who doesn’t love cheesecake?

Also debuting on Cablevision is “The Blogger’s Channel.”

I don’t know why we bought this.  It’s cheap frankly.  It’s a reality channel that shows bloggers live, in their underwear, eating cheesecake while they update their blogs.  It’s disturbing.  Children shouldn’t watch it.  The most disturbing was someone called “Manhattan Infidel.”  He didn’t even wear underwear.  He just sits there staring at his phone and saying “Why doesn’t anyone call?”  Then he curls up in a fetal position and rubs cheesecake all over his body.

In addition to these two fine networks, Cablevision hopes to ad many more struggling channels.

We’ve already bought The Danny Devito Workout channel and Cooking with Eye Discharge. And we hope to debut the Hot Tub with  Rosie O’Donnell show.  That is if TBS doesn’t buy it first.

There has been no word from FOX on when they hope to resolve the dispute.


3 Responses

  1. “And who doesn’t love cheesecake?”

    That’s James Dolan’s answer for everything.

    See, being a media mogul is easy.

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Let them eat cheesecake!

    Well I just voted. Surprisingly no lines in Manhattan. I guess all the hip dipster assholes are still in the Hhamptons in their million dollar mansions and probably haven’t woken up yet. Soon they will get on the LIE and drive west to Manhattan.

    “Oh lovey. Lovey. Let’s go vote. The serfs are rising and we must insure we get our people in office.”

  3. Heheheee.

    The rich really do blow, don’t they?

Leave a Reply

Using Gravatars in the comments - get your own and be recognized!

XHTML: These are some of the tags you can use: <a href=""> <b> <blockquote> <code> <em> <i> <strike> <strong>