As the U.S. election returns came in and the size of the Republican victory became apparent, Europe sat transfixed, consumed by the knowledge that once again, stupid Americans were rejecting the opportunity to be more European.

Sitting in a cafe on the left bank in Paris and enjoying his five hour lunch, Pierre Le Surrender spoke to this reporter.

Ze Americans are stupid.  They reject Obama.  Obama is one of us!  He understands Europe and hopefully will turn your cowboy redneck country into a place Jerry Lewis could be proud of.

I asked Mr. Le Surrender what he plans to do after he finishes his lunch.

Riot of course.  Ze government wants to increase our retirement age from 60 to 62.  This is a travesty.  I haven’t spent my entire adult life doing nothing only to have to retire at 62.  This is why we riot.

I followed up by asking him a pointed question:  So France fights because the government wants to raise the retirement age but didn’t fight the Nazis?

We had to surrender!  Ze Germans were being very very mean to us!  You stupid Americans would not understand.  Besides we liked Hitler.  He had the same values we do:  He was a socialist who favored universal health care and the mass extermination of Jews.

I thanked him for his time and watched as the waiter brought him his bill and insisted that he pay in cash only.  I asked him why?

We don’t want anything on the books.  Taxes you know.

The story was much the same throughout the rest of Europe.  In Ireland, Spain, Greece and other debt-ridden countries, Europeans took time out from their rioting to gather round TVs and watch as election returns rolled in.

In Spain where he was rioting to protest austerity measures, a local man scratched his head.

It’s almost like you Americans don’t want to be Europe!  It’s almost like your ancestors left Europe willingly!  This can’t be true.  Europe is a socialist workers paradise.  We have everything!  The money will never run out.  Our government lies to us when they say they are broke.  Why do you Americans resist?  You are stupid.  What has America ever given the world except rock and roll, sneakers, jeans, Hollywood movies and saving our butt twice last century.  I could go on but the list is irrelevant.  A pox on America and its bourgeois notions of self-reliance.  Oh oh….rubber bullets.  Duck!

***Breaking News***

This just in.  President Obama has declared that henceforth March 20th will be a national holiday known as “Riot Day.”  “We can learn from the Europeans” said the President.

***Breaking News***

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