Homeland Security to Add Charlie Sheen to Terrorist Threat Level Chart

Charlie Sheen - the highest threat level everThe Department of Homeland Security announced today that a new, higher level, the Charlie Sheen level, will be added to the threat level chart, replacing the former top level of severe.

Amid reports of a booze, cocaine and hooker filled rampage at a posh New York City hotel, Homeland Security head Janet Napolitano said, “We’ve seen the damage Charlie Sheen can do to America’s infrastructure.  Suicide bombers have nothing on this man.”

According to reports, police were called to Sheen’s hotel room and found a naked, disheveled and coked up Sheen acting “irrationally.”

When asked how they could tell that Sheen was irrational, an arresting officer said, “Well, that’s a good point. He is an actor.  I don’t know.  Instinct I guess.”

Over 7,000 dollars of damage was done to his hotel room and a professional escort was found naked and locked in the suite’s closet.

Napolitano continues:

Hotel suites trashed, hookers locked in closets, irrational cocaine-induced violent behavior.  I haven’t seen anything like it since my days as a groupie for Led Zeppelin.  In my capacity as head of Homeland Security it is my responsibility to keep America safe and vigilant.  Accordingly I hereby declare that Charlie Sheen is now the top threat level.  If my department should ever raise the threat level to Charlie Sheen I urge all Americans to remain calm.

When asked by reporters if there is anything else Americans can do besides remain calm in the face of a Charlie Sheen threat level, Napolitano threw her hands up in resignation and said:

Look, there are some things we have to keep from the American people or there will be widespread panic.  You want the truth?  You can’t handle the truth.  Son, we live in a world with Charlie Sheen.  And people have to be protected from Charlie Sheen. What do you want me to say? A Charlie Sheen threat level means the end is near and it’s everybody for themselves?  Shoot your neighbor, steal their food, rape their daughters and so on?  Well, that’s the truth but I can’t say that.  Personally, if we ever do raise the threat level to Charlie Sheen I’m flying to London to service Jimmy Page one last time.  I just hope Sheen never finds out about the 72 virgins thing.

Napolitano then thanked reporters for their time, flashed the peace sign and said “Courage!

***Breaking News***

Charlie Sheen has just converted to Islam.  When reached from his hotel suite, Sheen shouted “Where are my damn virgins bitch!”

***Breaking News***


4 Responses

  1. So wait…you’re saying that there was a time when Janet Incompetano was a chick?

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    CRS: I…….don’t…….know.

    Keep in mind this is a rock band. They probably didn’t care. It could be genetically altered double down eating cows and they……..wouldn’t…….care

  3. Matt says:

    And here, I always thought that Napolitano was a strange, bitter, androgynous creature.

  4. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Matt: In other words, she’s a Democrat.

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