As part of my continuing series that aims to provide useful information for my readers I now present your horoscope.

ARIES – March 21 – April 20

The first sign of the Zodiac, Aries is ruled by Mars.  This means you are a cantankerous, grouchy, unpleasant son of a bitch no one likes, which is why you often spend your Saturday nights vacuuming or scrubbing your bathroom floor.  This week your war-like nature will get the better of you and will be arrested when the stench of the dead bodies under your porch becomes too noticeable.  There will be no trial however as you will be murdered in the prison shower.

TAURUS – April 21 – May 21st

Taurus’ symbol is the Bull, meaning you are very stubborn.  This week your natural stubbornness will be on display when you are shot refusing to hand over your wallet to a mugger.  You will survive the shooting but when being transported to the hospital the ambulance will drive off a bridge, submerging in murky water.  After a week your body will be discovered.  Your grieving widow will marry her true love a day later.

GEMINI – May 22 – June 21

Naturally unstable with a pronounced tendency to schizophrenia, this week you will lose your tenuous grip on reality.  Convinced that the Earth is being attacked you will put on a tin foil hat, barricade yourself in your bedroom and shoot anything that comes into your field of vision.  The SWAT team will fire smoke grenades into your house, setting it on fire.  Dental records will have to be used to identify your corpse.  Your grieving widow will sell your story to a cable network and move to Southern California with a waiter named Fernando.

CANCER – June 22 – July 22

Emotional security and tranquility are your overriding concerns, which explains your addiction to narcotics.  You will be fired from your job because of repeated drug-related lateness.  Needing money for your fix you will rob and shoot a Taurus.  You will marry his widow a day later.

LEO –  July 23 – August 23

Perhaps the most annoying sign in the Zodiac, you are overconfident, frank and outspoken, which explains why you often get the crap beat out of you in bars.  Repeated expensive plastic surgery to repair your face has left you looking too much like a male prostitute for your own good.   You will be dragged into an alley and beaten by a pimp who thinks you are one of his.  While lying in the alley a Cancer will mistake you for a Taurus and shoot you.

VIRGO – August 24 – September 23

A pain-in-the-ass perfectionist, you often find it difficult to ask others for help, which explains why you will electrocute yourself when attempting home wiring repairs.  As you most likely have no friends your body will remain undiscovered until your wife comes back from a business trip a week later.  A day after your funeral your grieving widow will marry her lesbian lover.

LIBRA – September 24 – October 23

Librans have a powerful sense of fair play and justice and are always willing to cooperate with others to resolve problems.  In other words, you are a pansy.  No one respects you.  This has damaged your self-esteem and made you question your sexuality.  You spend your weekends at truck stops, dressed as a prostitute.  A trucker, mistaking your for a Taurus, will shoot you.  Your grieving widow will discover your porn stash and sell it on Ebay.

SCORPIO – October 24 – November 23

Passionate and sensual, your lifestyle will finally catch up with you.  Plagued with 47 separate venereal diseases your body will literally rot away.  The noxious odor emanating from your rotting flesh will get the Centers for Disease Control involved.  Placed in quarantine your life will end in a bizarre accident involving a weed wacker and Howie Mandell.

SAGITTARIUS – November 23 – December 21

A gambler by nature, you will be ruined by bad investments.  Deeply ashamed that you are no longer able to provide for your family your penchant for occasional nudity will become a full blown psychosis.  Neighbors will complain when you repeatedly answer the door naked.  Police will arrest you but you will be shot trying to escape.  Police will claim that they shot you because they thought you were a Taurus.

CAPRICORN – December 22 – January 20

Your anal-retentive nature explains why you have no friends.   You have a deep-seated fear of intimacy and as a result are very sexually frustrated.  This frustration will lead you to approach strangers in shopping malls and asking them if they want to see your penis. Lonely, frustrated and friendless you will start a blog dedicated to pictures of your penis.  This blog will be shut down by the FBI who will register you as a sex offender.  Strangely you will be shot for not being a Taurus.

AQUARIUS – January 21 – February 19

A loner, you are far more intellectual than physical, which explains why you are 750 pounds and cannot leave your bed.   Oddly, you have over 1000 fetishers who view your webcam daily, though most of them are hoping to see you choke to death on a chicken bone.  Your only human contact is with your neighbor, a Capricorn who likes to show you pictures of his penis.  The two of you will be shot dead by policemen who will break into your home demanding to know which one of you is a Taurus.

PISCES – February 20 – March 20

You are imaginative and like to dabble in the art of sexual fantasy.  However you have already fulfilled most of your fantasies leaving you bored and disillusioned.   In an attempt to satisfy your craving for new sexual experiences you will hook up with a Capricorn, an overweight Aquarius, 200 pounds of grease, a stationary bike, a lactating squid and the 1982 Toronto Blue Jays.  This will lead to your death in an incident that neighbors still call “The night of 1000 screams.”  Your grieving widow will shoot a Taurus.

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