Japan's Struggle Against Giant Monsters Thwarted by Environmental Movement

Mothra and Godzilla, two of the giant monsters currently troubling JapanWhen a local businessman left his home Monday morning to commute to work he was in for a surprise.  Sitting on top of his car was a giant Lepidoptera named “Mothra.”

“I had to wait a half hour for her to leave, and when she did she left a giant pile of excrement all over my lawn” said the businessman.  “You try telling your boss you’re going to be late because a giant butterfly crapped all over your lawn.”

But his troubles did not end there.  He was fined by Japans’ version of the Environmental Protection Agency for disposing of Mothra’s waste.

Said a spokesman for Japan’s EPA, “Giant prehistoric monster excrement is a proven nutrient which will help our drought-ridden farms.  I’m a government employee and I think I know a thing or two about waste.”

The businessman’s anger is not unique as Japan has adopted an official “hands-off” policy to its influx of illegal giant prehistoric monster immigration.

Despite the fact that Mothra has caused hundreds of millions worth of damage due to her abilities to spray opponents with a stream of silk (which in fact shut down major expressways) and her tendency to cause gale force winds with her wings that sometimes tear apart entire buildings (which led to the housing meltdown), the Japanese Government has officially welcomed the newcomers.

“This is our chance to build an immigration policy based on the Japanese tradition of openness.”

Second only to Mothra in terms of damage caused is Godzilla.

Godzilla mistakes subway cars for stool softeners

Since he first appeared in Tokyo Bay, Godzilla has caused much damage to the infrastructure of Tokyo, including downed power lines and subway cars torn in two.

A group calling itself “Citizens United in Support of Godzilla” has stated on their web site that any damage is not Godzilla’s fault but the government:

Godzilla is a peace-loving prehistoric creature.  I’m sure he has a perfectly rational explanation for the damage.  I think the government should think twice before putting up power lines that can so easily be knocked down by giant monsters.  We feel confident that if these were wind farms not power lines Godzilla would have left them alone.

Godzilla himself, appearing on Larry King, has stated that the downed power lines were an accident.

I was looking for a bathroom.  Come on.  I’m six million years old.  I got prostate problems.  The power lines were in my way.

As for the subway cars that were torn in two, Godzilla said that “I thought they were stool softeners.”

Despite growing opposition to the giant monsters, the Japanese Government and its environmental wing show no sign of ending their support for the monsters.

“I don’t care what the people think.  I don’t work for them” said Japanese Prime Minister Naoto Kan.  “Mothra can relieve himself  on my lawn anytime.”


3 Responses

  1. Matt says:

    They’re just there to do the jobs that the Japanese don’t want to do, like unexpected demolition.

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Matt: I blame the capitalists. They hire the giant prehistoric monsters for less money.

  3. MK says:

    “I thought they were stool softeners.”

    Good one.

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