We here at the journalistic juggernaut that is Manhattan Infidel take seriously our responsibility to get to the bottom of every story.

Who broke the story that Nancy Pelosi was a Harvester Terminator?  Manhattan Infidel.

Who broke the story that Puff the Magic Dragon had been arrested for endangering a minor?  Manhattan Infidel.

Who broke the story of the Barney Rubble murder by Fred Flintstone?  Manhattan Infidel.

So when MSNBC suspended anchor Keith Olbermann on Friday naturally the world wide headquarters of Manhattan Infidel sprang into action.  No sacrifice however great would prevent us from breaking the true reasons for the suspension.

After a sleepless weekend reviewing all the evidence, a weekend spent with my crack staff (okay, my staff on crack), a weekend filled with Chinese takeout,  pizza, and the occasional prostitute (which to my staff’s chagrin turned out to be a tranny) Manhattan Infidel is now prepared to present the unvarnished truth.

Onto the official statement from MSNBC President Phil Griffin:

I became aware of Keith’s political contributions late last night.  Mindful of NBC News policy and standards, I have suspended him indefinitely without pay.

Interpreting an official statement is serious business.  It takes instinct and insight into human nature.  And, courtesy of Google’s translator tool we at Manhattan Infidel were able to discern the deeper meaning behind the the statement.

The first words are “I became aware“.

What could this mean? There could be many interpretations but we here at Manhattan Infidel have concluded that these three words have religious significance.  Putting the words through the translator tool we came up with the following:

My name is Tommy/and I became aware this year/If you want to follow me you’ve got to play pinball/And put in your earplugs/Put on your eyeshades/You know where to put the cork.

Now onto the second part of the statement:

of Keith’s political contributions late last night.

Again, putting this through the translator tool revealed this:

of Keith’s political contributions last year but his ratings were better back then.

The next part of the statement reads:

Mindful of NBC News policy

There is only one possible translation of these words:

I like puppy dogs, rainbows and unicorns.

This is followed by the enigmatic statement:

and standards

We at Manhattan Infidel struggled over these two elusive words.  But we feel we have pretty much summed up the meaning with:

I’ve been a bad boy.  I need discipline.  Oh yes Mistress Dominique.  Spank me again.  Yes.  Yes.  YES!! Daddy’s been a bad boy!

And finally:

I have suspended him indefinitely without pay.

Which of course is translated:

My mother never loved me.

So where does this leave us?  We here at Manhattan Infidel believe that the true story lies with Phil Griffin’s religious conversion.  A conversion which puts him at odds with his desire to have kinky sex while loving unicorns, puppies and rainbows and simultaneously suppressing his knowledge of Olbermann’s campaign contributions.  That combined with his mother issues led to the suspension.

As for Olbermann, rumor has it that he has already signed up to join the hosts of The View.

Trust me.  I’m Manhattan Infidel and I’ve never been wrong.  Well, except for the time I broke the story of the Japanese Navy’s plan to bomb Elizabeth New Jersey.  And the time I broke the story of Barney Frank’s affair with Megan Fox.  But these are exceptions.  Anyone can be wrong on occasion.

What?  The tranny was cheaper!

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